


This Isn't The End

by aliensinflowercrowns



Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: Alternate Universe - Childhood Friends, Angst with a Happy Ending, F/F, F/M, Friends to Lovers, M/M, Slow Burn, Through the Years, all of the characters have their bad moments, connor and evan meet when they're seven and are bffs, connor will struggle, especially connor, go listen to that song its gr8, i would die for baby zoe, kath writing more deh? more likely than you think, like.... reallllly slow, multiple POVs, talks of suicide, the parents are actually not the worst, things get worse before they get better, this is going to be long y'all, title from an owl city song
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-12
Updated: 2018-07-07
Packaged: 2018-12-13 23:45:14
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 36
Words: 62,640
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11770959
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/aliensinflowercrowns/pseuds/aliensinflowercrowns
Summary: Connor didn't mean to throw a printer. Evan didn't mean to start crying in class. Neither of them meant to create a friendship that would last a lifetime.or what happened when I realized that the printer incident and the u-haul truck incident happened around the same time.





	1. It's Just The Beginning

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which connor is distressed, evan is shy, and six year old Zoe must be protected at all costs.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: Swearing 
> 
> there won't be many triggers for the first few chapters, but once we get deeper into it, it will get heavier.

**AGE** **SEVEN**

 

The words reverberated in Connor’s ears.

“ _Connor Murphy! To the principal’s office!_ ”

All of his classmates were laughing. Of course they were. They were always laughing at Connor. He wasn’t really sure why he’d thrown the printer. Well he know why, it was because the teacher had skipped him for line leader, but throwing a printer wasn’t a good response. That’s what his mom would say, “Connor, that’s not a good response.”

He just got so mad! It was like he zoomed out of his body and just watched himself throw the printer. Watched the teacher scream and duck. Watched his body shake as he started to cry. Watched all the kids laugh and the teacher scream. This was bad. This was worse than when he said the Fuck-Word at Dad’s Very Important Business Dinner. This was worse than when he ran over Zoe’s stuffed dog with his bike (which was an accident! He promised!). Connor was probably going to get expelled. Maybe he would go to hell. The priest said that if he did bad things he would go to hell. Connor didn’t want to go to hell!

“God, please forgive me for throwing a printer at Mrs. G.,” Connor whispered in the hallway, clasping his small, grubby fingers together. “Uh, in the name of the ghost and his son, amen.” Connor kept walking, hoping that would do enough.

Connor walked tentatively into the secretary’s office. She looked down the bridge of her nose at him. Her lips were bright pink. Connor’s mom would say she was “trying to hard.”

“Connor Murphy?” She asked. Her voice was nasally and bored.

“Yeah,” Connor said, looking down at his shoes. The secretary _harrumphed_.

“Take a seat young man. The principal will be with you in a minute.”

Connor wordlessly crawled into one of the big blue office chairs. Next to him was a kid with blond hair and red eyes. He was sniffling loudly.

“What’s the matter with you?” Connor asked. Wait. No. That was rude. Connor could be rude sometimes, like when he called his dad a butthead. His mom said it was because he didn’t think before he spoke. “I mean… are you okay?”

“Y-yeah. I’m f-fine” The kid mumbled. Connor didn’t believe him.

“I’m Connor. I’m in second grade.”

“I-I’m E-Evan. I’m in second g-grade t-too. I-In Mrs. R-R’s class.”

“Why do you do that with your voice?”

“I h-have a st-stutter. I d-don’t d-do it on p-purpose.”

“Oh.”

There was a small beat of silence. Connor noticed Evan fidgeting with his shirt, but at least he wasn’t crying anymore.

“Wh-what’s wrong with you e-eyes?” Evan asked.

“What do you mean?”

“Th-they’re different c-colors.”

“I have het-ro-ch-rom-i-a,” Connor said, sounding out the word to make sure he got it right.

“Th-they’re pr-pretty.” Evan blushed. Connor smiled.

“Connor,” The secretary called. “The principal will see you now.”

“Bye Evan,” Connor said, taking a deep breath, bracing himself for the principal’s office.

 

***

 

Mrs. M., the school counselor, came out of her office a few minutes after Connor left. She was a pretty lady with really curly hair and big glasses. Connor wore glasses too, but his were black, and smaller than Mrs. M.’s.

“So, Evan,” She said sitting down next to him, in Connor’s seat. “What are we gonna do, kiddo?”

Evan liked Mrs. M. She let him eat lunch in her office sometimes and recommended him good books and gave good advice for how to talk to Jared and called him kiddo. But just because he liked Mrs. M. didn’t mean he wanted to have this conversation.

“I dunno,” Evan mumbled, fiddling with his shirt.

“You can’t just start crying in class, Evan,” She said, her voice sympathetic. She said that a lot. “You can’t just spend all of recess reading, Evan.” “You can’t just let Jared tease you, Evan.” “You can’t just decide not to speak for a day, Evan.”

“‘M sorry.”

Mrs. M. sighed. “What happened, kiddo? What triggered this?” Mrs. M. also said that a lot. “What triggered this?” Evan knew that a trigger was something that made a gun go off. He thought it fit. Evan was kind of like a gun, but instead of shooting other people, he shot himself, like that kid in “A Christmas Story.” Evan was always shooting his own eye out.

“W-well they were t-talking about b-bring y-your p-parent to w-work day and I s-started thinking about m-my mom and d-dad and…” He dissolved into sobs again.

“Oh sweetheart,” Mrs. M. said. “Are they still fighting?”

Evan nodded silently. His parents tried not to fight when he was awake, but at night their screaming threatened to bring the entire house to the ground. How was he expected to sleep through that? He knew he wasn’t the only kid whose parents fought, and he knew he was a crybaby for getting so upset by it, but it was like his stuttering, something he couldn’t help.

“I’m sorry Evan,” Mrs. M. said. “You don’t deserve to be around that and I promise if I had my way I’d sit them both down and -” She took a deep breath, cutting herself off. Mrs. M. did that sometimes. “Got heated up.” She was silent for a minute.

“Well. Since it’s already after lunch there’s no point in sending you back to class.” Evan knew that she could, and probably should send him back to class, but instead she wasn’t going to. He felt like he’d just taken off a backpack full of books. “I’ll go get your things. And… I suppose your parents are both working?” Evan nodded silently. “Alright. You can just spend the rest of the day in my office with me. I’ll get your work for you.” Evan nodded again, and looked her in the eyes, (something he never did) hoping to communicate how grateful he was. Mrs. M. just nodded and left the office, headed in the direction of his classroom.

 

***

 

Zoe walked out of her classroom, gripping the straps of her pink unicorn backpack. She was so mad! She tugged on the ends of her twin tails.

“Stupid Jared Kleinman!” She muttered to herself. Of course Jared had to come up to her at recess and tell her that her big brother was a freak, and that he’d thrown a printer at their teacher. Jared and Connor were in the same class, and Jared was always telling Zoe whenever Connor did something bad, because he knew it would make her upset. Zoe’s mom said it was because Jared had a crush on her, but Zoe thought that was stupid! If you liked someone, why would you be nasty to them? Jared was just a big meanie.

Zoe wasn’t mad at Connor. He was her big brother, after all. She couldn’t just get _mad_ at her _big brother_. They were best friends, a united front. He was her protector. She was mad at Stupid Mrs. Connor’s Teacher, and she was mad at Stupid Jared Kleinman. It was probably their fault. If you knew how to talk to Connor and be nice to Connor then he wouldn’t get mad.

If anything, she was scared. She didn’t want Connor to get in trouble with mom and dad. When Connor got in trouble then Connor would get mad, and mom would get sad, and dad would also get mad, and everything would be a big mess.

Zoe reached the flagpole, and a few minutes later Connor walked over by her.

“Hi Zoo-ey,” Connor said. Zoe stuck her tongue out at the nickname. That’s what Connor called her when he was a baby and didn’t know how to say her name right. Sometimes he still called her that, even though now he _did_ know how to say her name right.

“Hi Connie,” She replied. That’s what Zoe called Connor when _she_ was a baby and couldn’t say _his_ name right. She knew that being called Connie annoyed him, but since it was Zoe it was okay. A lot of stuff was like that. Zoe could get away with things most other people couldn’t, since she was Connor’s favorite person.

“How was your day?” Connor asked.

Zoe shrugged. “Jared Kleinman told me about what you did.”

Connor scowled. “Yeah, well, Jared Kleinman is a fuck.”

“Connor!” Zoe exclaimed. “You can’t just say that!” Zoe didn’t really know what the Fuck-Word meant, and she didn’t think Connor did either, but they both knew it was a Grown Up Word, and if you said it at Daddy’s Important Business Dinner you would get no T.V. for a week.

Connor smiled. “Fuck fuck fuck fuck -” A teacher walked by. He waited for her to leave and then whispered “fuuuuck.”

Zoe giggled and swatted at her brother. “Someday I’m gonna have to bail you out of jail,” She said. That’s something their mom said a lot, that someday Zoe would bail Connor out of jail. She didn’t really know what “bail out” meant, but she didn’t want Connor to have to go to jail.

Connor stuck out his tongue at her. He reached over and tugged lightly at the end of one of her twin tails. “Dumb little sister!” He said.

She shoved him a little. “Stupid big brother!” She replied. They did that a lot. Sometimes people thought they didn’t like each other, but really, those people didn’t understand their dynamic. They were best friends, and best friends can be mean to each other sometimes because everyone knows they don’t really mean it.

“Daddy’s here!” Zoe said, pointing at their car. They both ran towards the carpool lane, climbing into the back seat. Connor got to sit on the regular seat, but Zoe still needed a car seat since she was only six. Connor buckled her in, and then buckled himself.

“Hey Zug-Bug, hey Four Eyes!” Their dad said, winking at them in the rearview mirror. They both glared at the nicknames.

“Daaaad!” Connor whined. “I hate that name!”

“Would you rather I called you Super Connor?” Dad asked. Super Connor was the superhero name Connor had given himself when he was four. He would tie a sheet around his chest and run around in his underwear.

Connor blushed and shook his head. Dad grinned and started driving. He turned up the radio and Zoe, Connor, and their dad all sang along to the song that was playing.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> cool cool cool first chapter done
> 
> i'm super excited for this project, it's been rattling around in my brain for a while. i'll try to update frequently but monday is my first day of senior year, and I look around at these kids who i've known all my life, and i can't help but think... what happened? Wait, no, wrong musical. What i mean is school might make less time for writing. 
> 
> leave a comment because iguanas have three eyes 
> 
> also check out some of my other writings and follow me on tumblr @aliensinflowercrowns


	2. Arguments

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> in which connor is sorry, evan is lonely, and zoe continues to be the best little sister in the world

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: Swearing, Parents Fighting

Connor knew the other shoe would drop at some point. He knew the school had called his parents. He didn’t understand what game they were trying to play. At dinner, they had the cheesy pasta that Connor loved (he thought it was called like… fettatucci or something), and then they had mint brownie ice cream for dessert. Connor didn’t trust it. 

Sure, if he’d gotten a really good grade on a test, or if the teacher had given him a gold star on the stupid “Behavioral Report” that he had, it would make sense. But Connor had been bad. At least that’s what the principal said. 

“Zug-Bug,” Mom said after she’d finished washing all the dinner dishes. “Do you think you could go up to your room for a bit? Daddy and I need to talk to Connor.”

Connor felt his tummy drop. This was it. This was the day he died. He wanted Zoe to get all of his stuff. 

Zoe’s face scrunched. “I dunno…” She said. “Is Connor in trouble?”

Zoe was such a good sister. She would never leave Connor without a fight. 

“No Zo, he’s not in trouble,” Dad said. He seemed tired, but that was normal. Dad was usually tired. 

Zoe still looked suspicious. She caught Connor’s eye. He shrugged, giving her permission to leave. Why delay the inevitable. 

“Okay…” Zoe said. “Connor, meet me in my room after you’re done. I want you to paint my nails.”

Connor nodded and watched Zoe bounce up the stairs. He turned back to his parents. 

His mom eased herself into a creaky dining chair. “Connor, love,” She said. Oh no. Whenever his parents started a sentence with “Connor, love,” they usually ended it with “we’re not mad, just disappointed,” which, as any kid can tell you, is way worse. His mom continued.

“Connor love, your principal called us today. We’re not mad but… baby… what happened?”

Connor shrugged. “It was my turn to be line leader…” He mumbled. “An’ the teacher forgot and I just got so mad… cause nobody in my class likes me and my teacher doesn’t like me but if I was line leader that means I get to be special for a day and I just…” He drifted off. It sounded even stupider when he said it outloud. “I’m sorry.” 

His dad reached over and patted his arm. “It’s alright, sport. You’ve just… you gotta work on your anger, okay? You need to practice self control.” 

Connor nodded. Dad was right. He did need more self control. If he didn’t do things like throw printers, maybe he’d have friends other than Zoe. 

“I’m sorry,” He said again. 

His mom sighed. “It’s alright baby.”

“Can I go now?”

“Yeah.”

Connor could tell that there was still tension in the room. 

“Hey dad,” He said. 

“Hmm?”

“Why did the chicken cross the road?”

His dad smiled a little. “I don’t know Connor, why?”

“Because there was a car coming!” 

 

***

 

Evan was trying not to freak out. It was 5:30 and no one had picked him up yet. Maybe he was supposed to go home with Jared but forgot. Maybe his parents had been on the way and they’d died. Maybe they just didn’t want him anymore and had moved to Canada, and Evan would have to be homeless forever because no one would let him stay with them. 

He heard the sound of a car pulling up in the carpool lane. He looked up. It was his car. Evan quickly wiped away the tears that had gathered in the corner of his eyes and grabbed his backpack and lunch box. He walked up to the car and got in the front seat. He knew he wasn’t old enough to sit in the front seat, but there was so much stuff in the back seat that his parents let him sit up there if he was the only other person in the car. 

“Hey baby,” His mom said. Her hair was falling out of her bun and into her eyes. 

“H-Hi mom,” Evan mumbled, fiddling with his shirt. 

“I’m sorry I’m so late. I got held up at the hospital and I couldn’t get a hold of your father and -”

“It’s okay m-mom.” Evan didn’t want to deal with her apologies. He just wanted to go home and play with his trucks. His mom sighed.

“Are you hungry, Ev?” She asked.

Evan nodded. 

“McDonald’s?”

Evan nodded. His mom started the car. They picked up a happy meal for Evan and some fries for mom. 

“So,” His mom asked after they’d pulled out of the McDonald's Drive Thru. “How was school?” 

Evan didn’t want to tell mom he’d started crying and had to leave class. “Um… I t-talked to someone n-new,” He said. 

His mom smiled. “Really? Who?”

“H-His name is C-Connor. H-He’s in the same c-class as J-Jared.” 

“Good job Evan! How’d you two meet?” 

“Uh… recess.” Evan’s heart pounded. His mom would see right through the lie. She would ask why he was lying and then he wouldn’t know what to say and she would ground him and disown him and 

“Well that’s great, Evan! Connor is welcome by the house anytime.” 

Evan felt bad. His mom probably thought that he and Connor were actually friends, when really, they’d only had one conversation. Connor probably thought Evan was weird and nervous. There was no way he’d want to actually have a playdate with Evan. And Evan would never bring Connor over to his house. If Connor didn’t already think Evan was weird or annoying, bringing Connor to his house would definitely make him realize that Evan was a freak who came from a crazy family, and that there was a reason he spent recess with the counselor. 

They pulled up in front of Evan’s house. He got out of the car and ran into his room, quickly yelling out “Hi Dad!” on his way. Evan needed to be out of the blast zone before his mom got in the house. 

Evan landed on the worn carpet in his small room, closing the door and dropping his stuff on his floor. Evan’s room was small. He had his bed, his dresser with a succulent on top, his toybox, and his truck collection. He pulled out one of the big tractors and crashed it into a flat bed, making loud mechanical sounds with his mouth. 

“ _ I can’t fucking believe you _ !”   
“Shhhhrrrrr” 

“ _ Oh my god Heidi maybe if you didn’t work so much- _ ”

“Woooooshhhhh”

“ _ Maybe if you acted like a fucking father! _ ” 

“Boooooooooom!” 

“ _ I never wanted this in the first place! _ ” 

 

~

 

Once at a family reunion, someone had called Zoe and Connor “Irish Twins.” Apparently that was because they were only ten months apart. Zoe thought it was cool, and told everyone she had an “Irish Twin,” until her mom told her it was actually a mean thing to say. 

Zoe still secretly thought it was cool.

Everyone complained about their siblings. Zoe was lucky to have Connor. Nobody else’s older brother’s painted their nails. 

Connor out through the gap in his teeth in concentration. He always wanted to make sure that Zoe’s nails were perfect. For Connor, everything was all or nothing. He either didn’t care at all, or he cared more than anyone else. 

“O...kay…” He said. “You’re all done.”

“Thanks Connor!” Zoe said, immediately holding her hand up to inspect it. 

“Be careful!” Connor exclaimed. “It still has to dry!” 

“Oh. Right. Sorry.” 

They were quiet for a minute. Zoe could hear muffled shouting from downstairs. 

“ _ I don’t know what to do Cynthia! _ ” 

“ _ I don’t know what’s wrong with him! _ ”

“ _ Clearly something needs to change! _ ”

“ _ A printer? Jesus Christ, he could’ve hurt someone! _ ”

Zoe scowled. Stupid parents! Didn’t they knew that she and Connor could hear them? She looked over at Connor. His face was scrunched up like he was mad, but Zoe could tell he was about to cry. Sometimes when he got like this he would go in his room and bury himself in blankets and not talk to Zoe for a day. She didn’t want him to do that. 

“Hey Connor?” Zoe asked. 

“Yeah?” Connor replied, not looking at her. 

“Will you sleep in here tonight?” Connor slept in Zoe’s room a lot, and Zoe slept in Connor’s room a lot, too. Sometimes she wondered why they even had separate rooms since they were almost always together. 

“Yeah,” Connor said, wiping at his eyes and tugging his hair. Zoe and Connor both tugged at their hair when they were stressed or frustrated. It made everything quieter. 

“Will you read to me?” Zoe could read fine, but she knew that it calmed Connor down to read outloud.

“Yeah. What do you want me to read?”

“Hmmm… Junie B. Jones!” 

Connor rolled his eyes. “Zoe! Those books are dumb. Junie B. Jones is a butthead. We should read Magic Treehouse.”

Zoe shrugged. “Okay.” She liked Magic Treehouse. She secretly thought that she was Annie and Connor was Jack. Connor walked over to the shelf and pulled out “Mummies in the Morning.” They walked over to Zoe’s bed, and Zoe made sure not to get her nails messed up. She and Connor snuggled under her fluffy pink comforter, and he started to read. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> eyyyyy it's chapter two
> 
> pls comment because early Egyptians invented marshmallows
> 
> ((also check out my other writing and follow me on tumblr @aliensinflowercrowns))


	3. Two Friends, True Friends

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> in which evan tries to stand up for connor, connor does the newsies deal handshake, and zoe has a cruuuuuuush

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: None that I'm aware of

“Wow, Connor. I can’t believe you didn’t get expelled!”

Connor scowled. Stupid kids. He hadn’t wanted to go to school that day. In the morning, he’d cried and moaned and yelled over breakfast. His mom had almost let him stay home, but then his dad put on the “Dad Voice” and the next thing Connor knew he was getting dropped off in front of school.

“J-Jared. B-Be n-nice.” Connor looked up from his shoes. Zoe had sprinted away right after she got out of the car, off to meet her other friends, so Connor was alone. He wasn’t expecting anyone to come to his rescue.

RIght next to Jared Kleinman, the loud, obnoxious kid who always picked on Connor and Zoe, was Evan, the crying kid from yesterday.

Jared sighed dramatically and turned to Evan. “Evan, you’re supposed to back me up, not make me look dumb in front of the enemy.”

“Wh-why is C-Connor the e-enemy?”

Jared’s face scrunched up. “I… just… shut up Evan!” He gripped his Pokemon backpack and walked away.

Connor looked at Evan. He was watching Jared and looked like he was about to cry.

“I can’t believe you’re friends with Stupid Jared Kleinman,” Connor said. Evan looked at him. His face was wobbly.

“His m-mom is m-my mom’s b-best friend,” Evan says. “W-we’ve b-been f-friends f-forever. H-He has t-to hang o-out with m-me.”

Connor searched the crowd of kids for Jared. He turned back to Evan. “Apparently he doesn’t.”

Evan’s bottom lip quivered. “W-What am I g-gonna d-do!” He burst out into tears.

“Uh…” Connor looked at Evan. Didn’t Evan know that you weren’t supposed to cry at school? Especially if you were in second grade. Maybe you could get away with it in first grade, but second grade? Everyone would think you were a freak. Connor didn’t like watching Evan cry. And Evan had just defended him in front of Jared…

“You don’t need Jared!” Connor said. “I’ll be your friend.”

“Wh-what?” Evan hurriedly wiped the tears off his face.

Connor shifted. “I mean… if you don’t want to be my friend that’s fine. I don’t care. You know what just forget it -”

“W-wait! N-no, I w-want to b-be your f-friend. Uh. P-please.”

Connor looked at Evan and shrugged. “Okay.”

“S-So, a-are w-we friends n-now? J-just like th-that?”

“Uh… I guess. Wait! I saw this on a TV show!” Connor lifted his hand and licked it. “Now you lick yours and we shake hands and that means we’re officially friends.”

Evan bit his lip apprehensively, then seemed to think “why not,” and licked his palm, slapping it to Connor’s. They shook hand vigorously, and stood there for a second, not sure what to do.

Eventually, Evan broke the handshake and looked at Connor.

“Y-You w-wanna see m-my comic b-books?”

 

***

 

It was weird, actually sitting with someone at lunch. Jared usually hung out with his Other Friends from Mrs. G.’s class, leaving Evan to find some secluded bit of bench where no one would bother him. But today, Connor plopped his tray down right next to Evan.

“Where’s your lunch?” He asked. Evan shrugged.

He pulled out his lunch box and opened it up. It was the apple that he hadn’t eaten yesterday. He wasn’t sure which parent was supposed to pack his lunch this morning, but he didn’t really mind.

“Do you want to share some of my lunch?” Connor asked.

“I-I’ll b-be fine.”

Connor shook his head and opened his lunch box. “My mom always gives me way too much food anyway.” He handed Evan half of his peanut butter and fluff sandwich, a pack of fruit snacks, and a bag of potato chips.

“I sh-shouldn’t -”

“I don’t even like potato chips,” Connor said. He pulled out a bag of Cheez-Os and flashed Evan a smile.

Evan smiled a little bit and took a bite of Connor’s sandwich. He could get used to having a friend.

The next day, Connor was waiting for him when his dad dropped him off at school.

“Evan,” His dad said before he got in the car. “Please tell me you aren’t doing that… tell me you’re going to talk today.” Evan bit his lip. He didn’t know why he didn’t talk sometimes. It was like some days fairies came and stole all of his words while he was sleeping. Evan looked up at his dad and shrugged.

His dad sighed. “Dammit, Evan,” He said under his breath. Evan’s face felt hot. His dad rested a hand on Evan’s knee. “It’s alright son,” He said. He leaned over and kissed Evan on the forehead. “Have a good day, kiddo. I love you.”

Evan smiled and slipped out of the car. Connor and a girl in twin tails walked up to him.

“This is my little sister, Zoe. She’s in first grade,” Connor said.

“Hi Evan!” Zoe tugged on her twin tails and waved at him. Evan waved back. Zoe turned to Connor. “I’m gonna go hang out with Lonnie, okay?”

“Okay.” They hugged, and she ran away towards a girl with braids.

Connor and Evan sat in awkward silence for a minute.

“So…” Connor said. “How are you today?”

Evan shrugged. He was alright. Connor’s face scrunched up.

“Are you not talking or something?”

Evan shook his head.

“Why not?”

Evan shrugged. Connor considered this response for a second.

“Alright.” He reached into his backpack. “I brought my X-Men Comics like I told you I would.” Evan smiled. They walked towards the school and sat outside in between Mrs. G.’s and Mrs. R.’s classrooms, reading.

They barely talked. Sometimes Connor would point at something that he thought was cool, and Evan would tap the page twice if he wanted it to be turned. Other than that, they just sad with their heads together, losing themselves in the imaginary worlds. Evan decided he liked having a friend.

 

***

 

Zoe was going to marry Alana Beck. She didn’t care if Stupid Jared Kleinman had a crush on her, Alana was better. Alana was pretty, and smart, and always gave Zoe her fruit snacks. Those were the things Zoe looked for in a woman.

Alana sat two seats down from her in class, and at recess, she told Zoe why George Bush was ruining the country.

Connor said that Evan was a better friend, but Zoe knew he was wrong. Alana was the best.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> OKAY! So baby Jared is kind of an asshole, but if you know me you know i loooooooooove jared kleinman so trust me when I say he's only like this to set up that juicy character development later on. Also like, school started and my brain has just been the part of beautiful where Veronica says "Away from this coma, get my diploma, then I can blow this town, dream of ivy covered walls and smoke french cafes fight the urge to strike a match and SET THIS DUMP ABLAZE" over and over and over again. :/ 
> 
> pls comment because "set" has 464 different definitions in the english dictionary
> 
> ((also follow me on tumblr @aliensinflowercrowns and check out my other writing)) 
> 
> \---
> 
> edit: i just noticed that i have one highlighted comment on my google doc for this chapter and it's "baby connor murphy, sass master" and i'm seriously debating on if i should make that the new name of this chapter.


	4. A February Day

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> in which so big so small, the children are dealing with feelings, and we see a famous murphy family autumn smiles orchard trip

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: Abandonment

“Connor?” His mom called. “Evan’s at the door!” 

That was weird. He and Evan hadn’t planned a playdate for that day. In fact, Evan hadn’t even come to school. Connor had thought he was sick. He left his room and ran down the stairs to the doorway. 

“Thanks, mom,” Connor said. His mom left and he turned to Evan. He was shaking, from the cold or because he was sad, Connor couldn’t tell. 

“Are you okay?” Connor asked. Evan shook his head. “What happened?” 

Evan gripped the sleeves of his jacket. “M-my daddy’s l-leaving,” He whispered. 

“What do you mean? Like… is he going on a trip?” 

Evan shook his head. Tears slipped down his cheeks. “N-No. He’s l-leaving f-forever.” 

“Oh,” Connor said quietly, staring at his friend. He opened his arms and pulled Evan in for a tight hug. “I’m sorry, Evan,” He mumbled. 

Evan wrapped his arms around Connor and cried. “I-I d-don’t underst-stand wh-why.”

“It’s not your fault, Evan.”

“Y-You d-don’t know th-that!” 

Connor didn’t know what to say. He patted Evan’s head. 

“I wouldn’t leave you.” 

They walked up to Connor’s room, and his mom brought them some cookies and hot chocolate.

“Evan, does your mom know you’re here?” She asked. Evan shook his head. Connor’s mom sighed. “I’ll give her a call,” She said, leaving them alone. 

“What happened?” Connor asked, looking at Evan, who was nibbling on a cookie. Evan shrugged. 

“Well… my mommy and daddy fight a lot,” He said quietly. Connor nodded. He’d been at Evan’s house when Evan’s mom and dad fought. He hated it. It wasn’t like when his mom and dad fought. When Connor’s mom and dad fought it made him angry. When Evan’s mom and dad fought it made him scared. Evan continued. “Th-they don’t r-really like each other th-that m-much. A-And m-my daddy n-never w-wanted me…” He sniffed. “I k-know that h-he loves m-me b-but… he n-never w-wanted to h-have me…” Connor clenched his fists. How could Evan’s dad not want him! Evan was great. Evan was the best friend in the whole world! “A-And t-today h-he c-came with a b-big t-truck… a-and he g-got all his st-stuff… and h-he l-left.” Evan took a shuddering breath. “M-Mommy s-says he’s n-not coming b-back.” 

“That’s stupid,” Connor said. He felt like he should say something more, but didn’t know what. Connor wasn’t prepared for this. This wasn’t supposed to happen. He looked back at Evan.

“Have you ever seen Star Wars?”

Evan shook his head. Connor walked over to his shelves and grabbed a DVD, then popped it into the player for the TV on his dresser. 

“It’s really good. Princess Leia is my favorite.” Connor climbed into his bed next to Evan and started watching the movie. Evan rested his head on Connor’s shoulder, and eventually, they fell asleep. 

Evan’s mom picked him up later that night. Connor’s mom found them tangled up together, fast asleep. She pulled Evan out and carried him off to his mom, then laid down next to Connor. She gathered him up in her arms and placed a kiss on his forehead. 

“Mommy?” Connor asked. 

“Yeah baby?” 

“Why did Evan’s daddy leave?”

His mom sighed. “I don’t know Connor. Some daddies do that.”

Connor looked up at her. “Is my daddy gonna leave too?” 

She shook her head. “No, baby. Your daddy and I love you too much to ever leave you.” 

“So Evan’s daddy doesn’t love him?” 

“No, of course Evan’s daddy loves him! It’s just… complicated.” She looked down at Connor. “What’s important is, you don’t have to worry, okay?”

“Okay.” 

“I love you, Connor.”

“I love you too.” 

She kissed Connor’s forehead and laid with him until he fell asleep. 

 

***   
  


Evan’s mom carried him into his small wooden bed, and pulled his comforter up to his chin. 

“You scared me, little guy,” She said. “You can’t just run away.”

“‘M sorry,” Evan mumbled. “I just… I d-didn’t w-want you t-to cry a-anymore. I c-couldn’t…”

His mom smoothed his hair. “It’s okay, Ev. I’m just glad you’re back with me.” She kissed him on the forehead, and stood up to go. 

“W-Wait!” Evan called out, grabbing onto her wrist. “A-Are y-you… a-are y-you g-gonna g-get a tr-truck too?”

“What do you mean, honey?”

Evan’s choked back tears. “A-Are you g-gonna l-leave t-too? It’s ok-kay if you a-are I j-just want t-to know -”

“Oh, baby,” A tear slipped down his mom’s face. She pulled him close, hugging him to her chest. “No, baby. No, Evan, I’m not going to leave. I’m never going anywhere. I’m gonna stay right here, okay? No matter  _ what _ , I’m gonna be right here with you.” 

“P-Promise?” Evan was crying now too.

“Yes, little guy. I’ll be here.”

“C-Can I sleep in your b-bed tonight?”

His mom scooped him up and carried him to her bed, holding him while he slept like he was a toddler who’d had a bad dream. Her sheets still smelled like his dad. Evan thought maybe he wasn’t the only one who didn’t want to be alone that night. 

The next day was a Saturday. Evan’s mom had to work, so she had Jared and Aunt Jocelyn come over to watch him. 

“What are we doing?” Jared asked as they crept into the kitchen while Aunt Jocelyn was asleep. 

“Shh!” Evan said. “W-We c-can’t wake your m-mom up!” 

Jared whispered. “ _ What are we doing? _ ” 

Evan ignored him and climbed on the counter, reaching in to one of the highest cupboards. He pulled out a box of trash bags, then grabbed one of the bags from the box. 

“Why do you need a trashbag?” Jared asked. 

“Shush, Jared!” Evan whined. He put the box back in the cupboard and jumped down from the counter, dragging Jared back into his room. 

“Hold this,” Evan said, handing Jared the trashbag. Jared stared at him. “O-Open it u-up,” Evan said, like it was obvious. Jared rolled his eyes, but held open the trashbag. Evan walked over to his toy corner and collected as many trucks as he could hold, dumping them into the bag. 

“What are you doing!” Jared asked. “You can’t just throw away your toys!” 

Evan picked up the last three trucks and dropped them in as well. They made a loud “clunk” noise against the other trucks. 

“I d-don’t w-want them a-anymore,” Evan said. He took the trashbag from Jared and tied it shut. “C-Come on.”

He lead Jared to the front door, and opened it as quietly as possible. Then, the crept to the corner of the street where the large gray trash cans were. Evan opened the lid, and threw the trashbag full of trucks into the garbage. 

“That’s so stupid, Evan,” Jared said. 

“Th-that’s wh-where they b-belong,” Evan said. “I d-don’t w-want to l-look at them. I c-can find something n-new to pl-play with.” 

Jared shrugged. “You wanna go play Pokemon?” 

 

***

 

Zoe was excited. She loved Saturdays, because Saturdays were Autumn Smile Orchard Day. Autumn Smile was her and Connor’s favorite place to go. Even though it was winter, they still begged and pleaded with their parents to go play in the snow, and to get ice cream from A la Mode. 

“Are you kids sure you want to go?” Zoe’s dad asked as he tied up her boots. 

Connor and Zoe nodded enthusiastically. 

“Well, the weather doesn’t look too bad… I’m not even sure if it’ll be open though…” Mom said, walking in with hats and scarves. 

“It’ll be open,” Zoe said. 

“How do you know?” Dad asked.

“Because we wanna go there, so when we go, we’ll just tell them to open it for us.” 

Zoe’s mom laughed. “Alright. Let’s go.”

“Hey mommy!” Connor said when they were in the car. 

“Hey what?” Mom asked from the front seat. 

“Why did the chicken cross the road?”

“Why?”

“No one knows, but the road sure was mad!” 

Zoe scrunched up her nose. “I don’t get it.” 

After a car ride that felt like forever, they pulled up in front of the orchard. 

“Oh thank god,” Mom said. “It’s open.” 

Zoe and Connor “whoo-hooed” from the back seat. 

They paid for their tickets and got out of the car, snow crunching under their feet. The orchard was practically deserted, not many other families came in February. 

“What should we do first?” Zoe asked, looking at Connor. Connor smiled and knelt down, reaching his hands into a snowy bank. He emerged, and threw a poorly made snowball at Zoe. It hit her less like a solid object and more like a chilled and dissipating puff. Still, Zoe shrieked, and quickly retaliated with her own. 

They ran around until they were too tired, cold, and wet to run around anymore. Zoe’s mom served them some hot chocolate out of the cannister she’d brought. 

“I wanna play with the airplane!” Connor said after they’d finished their snack. 

Dad frowned. “Connor,” He said. “Are you sure? It might not be the best time of year for that…” 

“Airplane! Airplane! Airplane!” Connor chanted. Zoe joined in. 

“Airplane! Airplane! Airplane!” 

Their dad chuckled. “Alright, fine,” He said. He went to the car and got their remote control airplane. He set it gingerly on the ground and handed the remote to Connor. Connor smiled and pressed the button to make it fly, steering the airplane through the sky and adding in little sound effects. 

“My turn!” Zoe said after a few minutes. Connor handed her the controller. She pushed and pulled different buttons, not sure what any of them did, but sure that she wanted to touch them all. She pressed down on the joystick, moving it erratically, and the plane flew out of sight. 

“Daddy!” Zoe exclaimed. “Where is it!” 

Zoe’s dad tilted his head up, searching the sky. “I’m not sure, Zug-Bug…” He said. He held out his hand. “Here, give me the controller.” Zoe handed it to him, watching as he tried to bring the plane into view.

After a few minutes, it careened into sight, flying down at a forty five degree angle. “Shit!” Daddy swore, trying to pull the plane back into the air, but it was too late. It dove into a halfway frozen lake, one wing breaking off against the ice and shattering, and the rest sinking into the water. 

Connor stared at Zoe and her dad in horror. 

“What did you  _ do!? _ ” He yelled. 

“Connor I -”

“You ruined it!” 

“Con -”

“You sank it!” 

“Connor -”

“ _ How could you! _ ” Connor was crying. His face was red and blotchy, and snot was coming out of his nose. 

“Connor,” Mom said, pulling him in for a hug. He pushed her away. 

“No!” He said. “I want to go home! Daddy and Zoe ruined everything!” 

“Connor, baby, what about A la Mode?” 

“I want to go HOME!” 

Mom nodded. They all piled back into the car, leaving the plane submerged in the water. Zoe watched Connor pull his knees up to his chest and stare out the window. He didn’t make any jokes on the way home.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> now comes the part of our story, that gets a little bit sad.....
> 
> hopefully over the weekend i will have time to actually write because i am behind af and stressing about it
> 
> pls comment because the human skull consists of 22 bones OR pls comment with your best "why did the chicken cross the road" joke
> 
> ((also follow me on tumblr @aliensinflowercrowns and check out my other writing))


	5. Epiphany

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which connor is in trouble, evan lies, and the adults are trying but not helping

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: Homophobia, Religion, Swearing

**AGE EIGHT**

 

Connor stared up at the school building. So far, third grade had not been good. Sure, second grade was bad, because school in general was bad, but Connor had hated every day of third grade with a burning passion.

The bell rang, and students started streaming into their classrooms. Connor scanned the crowd, making sure no eyes were on him, and turned around, walking casually down the street. His heart was beating, his palms sweating. He couldn’t believe what he was doing. He was supposed to be in school. His parents thought he was in school, but he wasn’t.

See, the problem with the third grade was his teacher. She wanted Connor to write completely in cursive, which was stupid. Cursive was stupid. Nobody used it anymore, and it was hard to read, and soon enough people would just write everything on computers. But the teacher said that it was “tradition” and “part of the curriculum” and a bunch of other dumb reasons that Connor didn’t care about. So, Connor hadn’t done any of his cursive work at school. That meant the teacher gave him extra homework, and said if he didn’t do that she would change his behavior card to red and call his parents. Connor didn’t do the sheets. He decided he wasn’t going to school.

He’d seen it in books and movies all the time. “Ditching,” “sluffling,” “playing hooky.” It was surprisingly easy, and unexpectedly boring. Connor wished he’d convinced Evan to not go to school with him, so he’d have someone to talk to. Evan was in his class this year, which was good, and Jared wasn’t, which was better.

Connor knew that Evan and Jared were friends, because Evan went over to Jared’s house after school every Wednesday and Thursday, when Evan’s mom worked really late and wasn’t home all day. Connor wished that Evan could come to his house, but all the parents said no. It was okay that Evan and Jared were friends though, because Connor knew Evan liked him best. His mom didn’t have to force Evan to come to his house.

Connor decided to walk to the park. When he arrived, he pulled out the comic book he was reading, “The Amazing Spiderman.” Connor loved Spiderman. He never listened to adults, and he still saved the day. Connor tumbled into the brightly colored world of Peter Parker’s New York, engrossing himself so much in the comic he didn’t notice the pair of khaki pants now standing in front of his crouched form.

“Ahem,” Someone said loudly. Connor slowly looked up.

“Hi… daddy…” He squeaked. “What’re you doing here?”

Connor’s dad scowled. “Well, I was just driving down the street when I noticed a little boy sitting in the playground, and I thought, ‘that looks like Connor! But that can’t be my Connor, my Connor is at school!’ Then, I got a call from your teacher saying you never showed up today. Now do you want to tell me why that is?”

Connor’s face burned red. He hated when grown ups did this, treated him like he was stupid. He wished they would just talk to him like a person instead of like a baby.

“I just…” He mumbled. “I didn’t…”

“ _Connor!”_ His dad’s voice was stern. “I can’t believe you would do something like this!” He sighed and pinched the bridge of his nose. “Come on, get in the car.”

“Are you taking me back to school?”

“No, I’m not taking you back to school, just get in the god damned car, Connor.”

Connor shoved his comic book back in his backpack and scuttled into the back seat, pulling the seat belt over his body. His dad slammed the door as he slid into the front. He started driving, and began to lecture Connor.

“Son, you can’t just not go to school. You can’t just… avoid your responsibilities. You have to man up, and face the consequences.” He sighed. “I know that it can be tough, Connor, but running away is not the solution! Didn’t your Sunday School teacher just talk about this?”

Connor shrugged.

His dad scoffed. “What, have you not been going there either?” Connor looked down. “Connor!”

“Mom said it was okay! I wasn’t feeling good!”

“Connor, I can’t believe this. Next Sunday you’re going to stay with me after Mass and meet with the priest.”

“Dad!” Connor whined.

“No, Connor! I will not let your mother turn you into a pansy! I love you, son, and I’m trying to help you.”

Connor didn’t respond. His dad pulled up in front of the law firm where he was a partner. “Come on,” He said. Connor got out of the car, walking behind his father. He was deposited next to the secretary. She told him stories about her daughter who was in high school while he ate his lunch and waited for his mom to pick him up.

Mom was very upset when she picked Connor up from Dad’s work. She gave him more or less the same lecture his dad had, and then grounded him from T.V. for a week and made him do his cursive when he got home, and write an apology letter. It was so stupid.

“Connor,” She said when she tucked him into bed. “Do you regret what you did today?”

“Yeah,” Connor responded, nodding and trying to look innocent.

“Good. Goodnight baby. I love you.”

“I love you too, mom.”

But he didn’t regret it. He just regretted getting caught.

 

***

 

Evan knocked on the Murphy’s door, swinging back and forth on the balls of his feet.

Connor’s mom opened it up, a small frown on her face when she saw Evan. “Oh. Hi Evan,” she said. “Connor can’t play today. He’s grounded.”

Evan tried to look shocked, even though he knew that Connor was grounded. Connor had told him earlier at school. Evan let his eyes well up.

“H-He is? O-Oh. I-I’ll j-just go th-then. It’s j-just that… m-my m-mommy won’t be h-home t-til late and it’s s-so scary and d-dark in the h-house and -”

Connor’s mom sighed. “I guess it’s alright. Come on in Evan.”

Evan smiled. “Thanks Mrs. Murphy!”

He walked in the house and trotted up the stairs, then turned down the hall to Connor’s room.

“Mom?” He heard. Evan turned his head. Connor’s little sister, Zoe, was sitting on the floor of her room. She must’ve heard his footsteps.

“Uh… n-no. It’s… um… it’s E-Evan!” He called out. Zoe stood up and walked over to him, tugging on her twin tails and staring at him with wide eyes.

“Connor’s grounded,” She said.

Evan fiddled with his t-shirt. “I kn-know.”

It wasn’t that Evan didn’t like Zoe, he just had a hard time talking to her. He had a hard time talking to everyone, but Zoe was especially difficult. Connor talked about her all the time, but she rarely hung out with him and Evan. Besides, she always looked at Evan with this wide, scrutinizing eyes that a seven year old shouldn’t have. He tried to avoid Zoe as much as possible.

“He got in a fight,” She said.

“I kn-know.”

“He punched a kid.”

“Y-Yeah.”

“He doesn’t want to see me.”

Evan stared at his shoes. “Oh. I’m s-sorry.”

“But he wants to see you?”

“Uh… um… I…”

Zoe watched him stutter, not breaking eye contact.

“Bye, Evan,” She said, walking back into her room and shutting the door.

Evan sighed. He walked up to Connor’s closed door and knocked.

“GO AWAY!” Connor shouted.

“I-It’s Evan,” Evan said.

Connor was silent. Then, “Is anyone with you?”

“N-No.”

The door opened a crack and Connor grabbed Evan’s wrist, pulling him into the room. Connor’s face was flushed as he slammed the door again. He smirked at Evan. “Did she buy it?”

Evan nodded.

“I d-don’t… I don’t like lying to your m-mom, Connor,” Evan said, avoiding Connor’s eyes. His left eye was all puffy and purple, and Evan didn’t like the way it looked.

“Evaaaan,” Connor whined, flopping onto his bed, “I’m dying up here. I can’t just be alone in my room for two weeks!”

Evan picked at his fingernails. “M-Maybe you sh-shouldn’t have g-gotten in a f-fight,” He mumbled. Connor sat up and narrowed his eyes.

“Evan, those guys were being shitheads.”

“Th-that’s a b-bad word.”

“They made fun of my nail polish. They said I was a freak. They deserved it.”

Evan bit his lip and looked at the floor, nodding silently. “I j-just… I don’t l-like it when you g-get in trouble.”

Connor sighed. “You sound like my family! I don’t want to deal with this! If you’re just going to tell me all the ways I’m a screw up then you can leave!”

Evan didn’t want to leave. He didn’t like when Connor was mad, and he especially hated it when Connor was mad at him.

“‘M sorry, C-Connor,” Evan said, shutting his eyes tight and trying not to cry. Connor got off his bed and walked toward Evan, giving him a tight hug.

“It’s okay. You didn’t do anything wrong.” They were silent for a minute.

“Does it really bother you that much?” Connor asked.

“I j-just don’t like seeing y-you get hurt.”

“Don’t worry about me. I’ll be fine.” There was a pause. “Hey, Evan, why did the cow cross the road?”

Evan rolled his eyes. “Why, C-Connor?”

“To get to the udder side!”

 

***

 

Zoe hated going to church. Everyone had to get dressed up all stuffy, mom and dad would make Connor wear a suit, so he was in a bad mood all day, and it was so boring.

Also, Zoe didn’t really understand God. How could He hear her prayers if she never said them outloud? Could He read her mind? But if He could read her mind then why did she even have to pray? Wouldn’t He already know what she wanted? And how did He keep track of all the people? Was there some sort of celestial security system?

Evan didn’t have to go to church. He went to Temple sometimes on Saturdays, but not every week like Zoe had to. He said he was a “reform Jew” and only went on special holidays. Sometimes they talked about Jewish people in church, but never in a very nice way, which Zoe didn’t really understand. She didn’t really like Evan, but that was only because Connor liked Evan more than he liked her. Evan wasn’t bad, but the priest said he was going to hell. She didn’t want Evan to go to hell.

Zoe rested her forehead on the back of the pew in front of her. “Please God, don’t make Evan go to hell,” she mumbled. Her dad looked over and shushed her.

Zoe waited until he wasn’t looking and stuck her tongue out at him. Connor saw her and laughed silently. He was on the other side of dad. Connor and Zoe weren’t allowed to sit together at church because they would talk to much, and one time they snuck out while mom was in the bathroom and dad wasn’t paying attention. Zoe turned back to the priest.

“Recently, a second state has followed in the path of sin, legalizing homosexual marriage,” The priest said. Zoe didn’t know what a homosexual was, but she knew it was a bad thing. “First, we lost Massachusetts, and now Connecticut. I urge you all to stay strong in this time of turmoil, and continue to follow the teachings of God.”

Later, Zoe had to go to Sunday School. Connor wasn’t with her. Dad was making Connor stay with him after Mass, doing whatever grown ups did during Sunday School.

All the kids sat in a circle, talking about the service.

Zoe raised her hand. “What’s a homosexual?”

“A homosexual is someone who has relations with a person of the same sex,” The teacher responded. Zoe tugged on her twin tails.

“What do you mean relations of the same sex?”

“Well… instead of a man marrying a woman, a homosexual would be a man who wanted to marry a man, or a woman who wanted to marry a woman.”

“Is that bad?”

“Yes.”

“Why?”

“It says so in the bible. God made girls to marry boys and boys to marry girls, and any other way is an abomination.”

The teacher looked away from Zoe, satisfied with that answer, and started talking about something else, but Zoe wasn’t listening.

Alana had two dads. She’d met them.

Alana had given Zoe a card for Valentine’s Day. Zoe had said she would marry her. Zoe was an abomination.

She burst out into tears.

“Oh, lord, Zoe!” The teacher said, rushing over to her. “What’s wrong?”

Zoe shook her head. “I don’t wanna say it!” She said. The teacher took her out in the hall, and kneeled down in front of her.

“What’s wrong, dear,” she said in a soft voice.

“I’m an abdomination,” Zoe said.

“Why?”

“Because I said I would marry Alana Beck!”

The teacher frowned. “Isn’t Alana Beck that girl with two fathers?”

Zoe nodded.

“Listen, Zoe, sometimes people like the Beck’s will try to corrupt you, and steer you down the path of Satan. But you must resist! Ask God to absolve you of any of these feelings, and He will. You’re going to be alright, I promise.”

Zoe nodded again.

Later, she went home and found the Valentine’s Day card Alana had given her.

_To: Zoe_

_You’re sweeter than fruit snacks!_ _  
_ _Love, Your Future Wife (Alana)_

Zoe ripped the red construction paper heart in half, then ripped it again, and again and threw it in the trash, tears streaming down her face. That night, after her mom tucked her into bed, Zoe sat on her knees and clasped her hands.

“Dear God, please make me not be a homosexual. I won’t talk to Alana anymore if that’s what you want, but I really want to keep talking to her, so please make me normal and make me like boys like all the other girls. Thank you. Amen.” She paused. “This is from Zoe Murphy, by the way.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> someone save these kids.. 
> 
> pls comment because a shrimps heart is in it's head
> 
> ((also follow me on tumblr @aliensinflowercrowns and check out my other writing. I'm currently writing another DEH fic and I'm like sort of really proud of it and since it's not shippy it doesn't get a lot of views and stuff but yeah >.<))
> 
> this is completely irrelevant but pierre and natasha from npatgco1812 could revive me from the dead


	6. Crazy Connor

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> in which connor is pissed, evan is sad, and zoe is conflicted

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: Swearing, Ableist Language

**AGE NINE**

 

Connor could remember many times when Evan had showed up at his house unannounced. Evan was alone a lot, and Connor knew that Evan liked his house. Logically, Connor thought he should be able to show up at Evan’s in the same way, but he knew that wasn’t the case. Connor and Evan never hung out at Evan’s house. Connor had only been there a few times, once for Evan’s ninth birthday party, and once for a sleepover when his parents were out of town. Connor thought Evan was secretly ashamed of his house. Connor knew that Evan didn’t have as much money as he did, but that didn’t mean anything. 

He knocked on the door. There was no answer. 

He knocked again, harder this time.

“Evan!” He yelled. “It’s Connor!” 

The door opened a crack, revealing Evan shakily holding up a steel baseball bat. “C-Connor?” He said, lowering the bat and opening the door wider. “Wh-What are you d-doing here?” 

Connor scrunched up his face. “Well. You come to my house all the time. I thought I would return the favor.”

He plopped down on Evan’s worn blue couch, dropping his backpack on the floor. Evan sighed. 

“C-Connor, seriously. Wh-Why are you h-here? I-I’m not s-supposed to h-have people over wh-when I’m alone.” 

Connor rolled his eyes. “Calm down, I’m not going to murder you, Hansen,” He said. Evan sat down on the couch, frowning. 

“Wh-What’s up w-with you?” He asked. 

“What do you mean?”

“Y-You’re acting r-rude.”

“I am rude.”

Evan rolled his eyes. “N-No you a-aren’t.” 

Connor scowled. What did Evan know? Evan didn’t understand anything. 

“Ya-huh.”

“Nuh-uh!” 

“Ya- _ huh _ !” 

“Connor!” 

“Ugh!” Connor threw his hands up over his face. “You’re the worst best friend in the world.”

“N-No I’m n-not!” 

“Yeah, you kinda are.”

“R-Really?”

Connor sighed. “No.” 

“Wh-What’s wr-wrong, Connor?”

“Nothing,” Connor mumbled. 

Evan prodded at his sides. “T-Tell me.”

Connor sat up. “I ran away,” He mumbled. 

“Why?” 

Connor looked down at his lap. “I don’t fit in with my family. They’d be happier without me.” 

“N-No they w-wouldn’t.” 

“They hate me.”

“C-Connor. Your family l-loves you.”

“Zoe hates me.”

“N-No she d-doesn’t.” 

“What do you know, Hansen? You don’t have any siblings! You don’t even have a dad! You don’t understand!” 

Evan’s lip quivered. Crap. 

“I didn’t mean that, Evan, I -”

Evan shot off the couch and ran upstairs. Connor could hear him crying. Connor punched the couch pillow. He couldn’t do anything right. Now even Evan hated him. He couldn’t blame him. Connor ruined everything he touched. He couldn’t stop thinking of Zoe’s red faced shouting. 

“ _ Why can’t you just be normal! _ ” 

Why couldn’t he be normal? 

“ _ Well I thought you cared more about me than about all the bitches in your class! _ ” 

His mom’s worried face as she tried to ease the tension.

“ _ Connor, that’s a bad word! _ ” 

Tears falling down Zoe’s face.

“ _ You’re the worst big brother ever. _ ” 

Connor pulled at his hair, hot, angry tears falling down his face. Zoe was right. He was the worst big brother ever. Big brothers were supposed to protect their little sisters, not ruin their lives. Zoe was the only girl in her class who didn’t get invited to Charity Austin’s birthday party, because Connor had gotten in a fight with her older brother, and Mrs. Austin didn’t want “that sort of trouble” over at her house.

He hated the way people talked to him, like he was stupid. 

“ _ Why can’t you just control your temper, Connor?” _

_ “Use your words, Connor.” _

_ “Violence is never the answer, Connor.” _

_ “Do you know why you were called in today, Connor?” _

_ “You can’t keep doing this, Connor.” _

_ “Just take deep breaths, Connor. _ ” 

He hated the way people talked about him, like he was dangerous. 

“ _ He’s a… troubled boy.” _

_ “Connor has a hard time.” _

_ “Hopefully he’ll grow out of it.”  _

_ “You have to be careful around Connor Murphy.” _

_ “I can’t imagine what he’ll be like when he grows up. _ ” 

He hated the way people snubbed his family, like he was poison. 

“ _ Well, it has to have something to do with the family. Those kind of issues don’t just pop up out of nowhere.”  _

_ “Who are his parents!” _

_ “If he was my child…”  _

_ “I feel bad for his sister.” _

_ “Don’t. She’s probably just as bad.”  _

_ “I don’t want that sort of trouble in my house. _ ” 

 

***

 

Evan ran upstairs, tears streaming down his face. He shut himself in his room, even though he knew Connor could hear his sobs through the thin walls. He didn’t want Connor at his house. He didn’t want Connor to see he was alone. He didn’t want Connor to see how small his house was. He didn’t want Connor to see how broken everything in his life was. 

He glanced at the small pile of letters on his bedside table. They started in February 2007, one or two every week. By July 2008 there would be one every week or so. Now he was lucky if he got them once a month. Connor was right. He barely had a dad anymore. 

Evan knew his dad didn’t want to have a kid. His parents had met in the beginning of college, and they’d gotten married after his mom got pregnant. Evan was old enough to understand that he’d been an accident. He knew his dad loved him, but he “wasn’t ready to be a father.” That’s what he said. He “couldn’t be tied down.” He “needed to have a life before he had a family.” 

It made Evan’s blood boil. His mom wasn’t ready to be a mother! She wanted to have a life. She dropped out of law school to raise Evan. She’d been certified as a nurse through a program in high school, but it was only because it would look good on her college resume. She wasted her life on him, and now she had to do everything alone. 

Sometimes Evan thought life would be better for his mom if he’d never been born. Maybe she and dad would still be together. Maybe she’d be a lawyer. Maybe she’d live in New York like she’d always wanted to. Maybe she would have a big house and would actually look twenty seven instead of thirty five. Maybe she’d have a baby she could actually be there for. 

Evan bit his tongue. He shouldn’t think things like that. He knew his mom did the best she could. She tried, and that was what was important. If Evan wasn’t so time consuming and needy and if Evan hadn’t pushed his dad away and if Evan didn’t freak out all the time and if Evan didn’t need his school counsellor to babysit him then maybe she wouldn’t need to work all the time. 

He angrily wiped the tears off his cheeks, and reached for the newest letter. His dad had sent it two days ago, and he hadn’t opened it yet. He gingerly tore the light blue envelope open. His dad always sent letters in a light blue envelope with a nature sticker. It made Evan happier than it probably should’ve. 

_ Dear Ev, _

_ Hey sport! How have you been! How’s school? Winter break is coming up, right? That’ll be fun! Look for my Hanukkah presents in the mail! Megan and I would love to see you sometime. Give me a call when you can. _

_ Love,  _

_ Dad _

Evan rolled his eyes. Dumb Megan. How could his dad say he wasn’t ready for a relationship and then start dating this girl right after he left his mom. Evan didn’t want to meet Megan. He knew he would probably have to. His parents would make him. His mom was in the foster care system from age eight to eighteen, and she hated it, so she wanted to make sure that Evan had a “relationship” with his father. 

Evan stared at the letter. It was so short. His dad used to send him long letters detailing every little part of his day, talking about comic books and movies he thought Evan would like, sending him pictures of interesting plants he saw in Colorado, but now it was barely a paragraph. Evan folded the letter and placed it back in the envelope, setting it on the night stand with the others. 

Evan took a deep breath and got off his bed. He walked downstairs and sat on the couch, pulling a crying Connor into a tight hug. 

“Why are you so nice to me?” Connor asked, mumbling into Evan’s shoulder. 

Evan thought that was a bit of a stupid question, but he didn’t say anything. “Because you’re m-my best f-friend.”

Connor sat up and looked at Evan. His eyes were red and puffy. “Yeah but… why?” 

Evan shrugged. “I d-dunno. I j-just… y-you… I l-like being around y-you. You m-make me feel… s-safe. Or wh-whatever.” 

“But I’m trouble. I get into fights. I’m mean.”

“You’re n-not mean t-to me.”

“I just made you cry!” 

Evan paused. “Y-You’re not m-mean to me m-most of the t-time.” 

Connor smiled. “I’m sorry about what I said, Evan.”

Evan’s heart swelled. “It’s ok-kay, Connor.” 

“No it isn’t.”

“Yeah, b-but… I forgive you.” 

When Evan’s mom got home, she made Connor go back. Connor didn’t want to, but he usually listened to Evan’s mom. Besides, she said either she would take him home, or his parents would come get him. When Evan’s mom arrived back at their house, she had Chinese take out. She and Evan sat on the floor eating chicken lo mein and egg drop soup. 

“M-Mom…” Evan asked. 

“Yeah?” 

“D-Do you… do you e-ever wish th-that you d-didn’t have me? S-So that you c-could still f-finish law s-school?” Evan fiddled with the edge of his shirt, mentally preparing himself to for her to say yes. 

“No!” Mom said, rushing over and pulling him into a hug. She rested her chin on his head and rubbed circles into his back. “Never, baby. I love you so much, I would be so miserable without you. You’re the best thing that’s ever happened to me, Evan.” 

Evan hugged her tight. “I l-love you t-too, m-mommy.” 

 

***

 

Zoe knocked nervously at Connor’s door. She knew they were technically supposed to be asleep, but Connor had gotten home so late that they hadn’t had a chance to talk. Besides, Zoe knew Connor never paid attention to their bedtime. 

The door opened, and Connor peaked his head out, a scowl fixed on his face. 

“What do you want?” 

Zoe fiddled with the hem of her pajamas. 

“I’m sorry, Connor…” She mumbled. 

“Yeah. Whatever.” Connor slammed the door in her face. 

Zoe shut her eyes, holding back tears. She knocked on the door again. “Connor!” She whisper-yelled. “Please! Open the door!” 

There was no answer. Zoe took a deep breath, and pushed the door open. She hadn’t done that for as long as she could remember. When Connor was in a “mood,” as their mom called it, he was best left alone. 

He was sat on the bed, reading a book with a flashlight. He looked up at her. 

“What the hell do you think you’re doing?”

“That’s a bad word.”

“Get out of my room you brat!” 

Zoe’s voice broke. “I’m sorry, Connor! I’m sorry I said you were a bad brother! I’ll never talk to Charity Austin again! I’ll never talk to any of the girls or boys in my class again! Please just… please don’t be mad at me.” She tasted salty tears on her tongue as she hiccuped from crying and talking to fast. Connor glared at her for a second, and then his face softened. 

“Okay,” He said. “I forgive you.”

Zoe smiled. “Really?” 

“Yeah.”

“Can I sleep in here tonight?” 

Connor nodded and scooched over, making room for her on the bed. She hopped in and snuggled up next to him. Whenever Zoe felt sad, or had a bad dream, the familiar scent of her big brother always made her feel safe. 

At recess the next day, Zoe was determined to keep her promise. The third and fourth graders had different recess times, so she just sat up against the wall, tugging on her twin tails and scribbling on her jeans. She knew her mommy would probably be mad about that, but she didn’t care. 

Someone sat down next to her. Zoe secretly hoped it was Alana. They hadn’t talked much since Zoe stopped being her friend at the end of last year, and she missed her. 

“Hey Zoe!” Said an annoyingly perky voice. Zoe looked up and sneered. It was Stupid Charity Austin. 

“What do you want?” She asked, trying to sound like Connor when he was angry. 

“Well,” Charity said. “I was talking with my mom, and we realized that it wasn’t fair to not invite you just because of your brother. I mean… I invited Alana even though she had two dads. It’s not her fault. Just like it isn’t your fault that your brother’s a psycho.” 

“My brother isn’t a psycho.”

Charity shrugged, and pulled out a pink envelope. She placed it on Zoe’s backpack. “This is for you if you want it. Just have your mom call my mom with an RSVP.” Charity stood up, about to walk away, but then turned and looked at Zoe again. “You want to play kickball with us?” 

“Zoe!” Mom called the next Saturday. “Are you ready to go?” Zoe bounced into the kitchen. She had new pink converse, and her hair was in french braids instead of twin tails. She felt pretty. 

“Yep!” She said, a big smile on her face. Zoe walked over to the counter and grabbed Charity’s present. 

“Where are you going?” Connor asked, looking up from his homework. Mom always made Connor do his homework in the kitchen, because sometimes he tried to get answers off the internet or just didn’t do it at all. 

Zoe looked down at her shoes and felt blood rush to her face. “Nowhere,” She mumbled. 

Mom walked back into the kitchen, pulling the invitation out of her purse. “Okay, so to get to Charity’s house we can either take I-80 or go down Maplewood…”

Connor stood up. “You’re going to Charity’s birthday party!” He exclaimed, glaring accusatorily at Zoe. 

“I -”

“I can’t believe you would do that!” 

“Connor -”

“You’re the worst!” 

“Connor!” Mom said. “That’s enough. Do your homework.” 

Connor sat down, his face set in a scowl. 

“C’mon, Zoe,” Mom said, walking to the door. 

Before she left, Zoe heard Connor mutter: “I’ll never forgive you for this.” 

Later, they were all sitting in Charity’s room, talking about boys. 

“Well,” Maddison Peters said. “I think that Zoe’s brother is cute!” 

“Oh my god!” Lindsey Ellert shrieked. “Zoe’s brother is crazy!” 

Zoe bit her lip, and burst into tears.

“Zoe!” Alana said, looking at her with wide eyes. “What’s wrong!” 

“Connor and I…” She said, hiccuping. “We got into a fight and he was so mad at me… and he probably hates me now!” 

Charity rushed over and put her arm around Zoe. “It’s okay, Zoe. You have friends now. You don’t need Crazy Connor.” 

“Crazy Connor!” Lindsey said. “That’s hilarious!” 

Zoe laughed a little. “Yeah,” She said, ignoring the twisting feeling in her gut. “It is pretty funny.” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this chapter was a bitch to write
> 
> pls comment because a strawberry isn't actually a berry (a banana is tho)
> 
> ((also follow me on tumblr @aliensinflowercrowns and check out some of my other writing))


	7. Growing Pains

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> in which connor is frustrated, evan is mad, and zoe is angry

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: Swearing

**AGE TEN**

 

Connor slammed the door shut, trying to ignore Stupid Zoe and all her stupid friends and their stupid giggling. They hadn’t shut up since they’d gotten in the car. He couldn’t believe he was going to have to endure some dumb fucking sleepover. 

“Connor!” Zoe yelled when she opened the door again. “You can’t just slam the door in my face!” 

“Eat shit, Zoe,” Connor said, scowling at her. 

“Connor Murphy!” Their mother said, wiping her hands on a dish towel. “Do not use that kind of language! Especially not when we have guests.” 

The gaggle of girls behind Zoe snickered. Whenever Zoe had friends over they would always stare at him like he was some sort of dangerous zoo animal. He wondered what lies Zoe told them about him. His scowl deepened. 

“I’m going to Evan’s,” He grumbled, heading for the back door.

“No you are not!” His mother called out, grabbing the handle on his backpack to stop him. “You’re grounded for that stunt you pulled yesterday. No Evan.” 

Evan had been sick yesterday, so Connor hadn’t showed up to school, and instead walked to Evan’s house. They’d lost track of time and Connor had forgotten to go back to the school to meet his parents, so they thought he’d been kidnapped and almost called the police. 

“This is so unfair!” He yelled. Connor pulled out of his mother’s grip and stomped up the stairs, ignoring the tittering giggles of Zoe’s dumb friends. 

“Connor!” Zoe yelled through his door a few hours later. “Dinner!” 

“I’m not hungry!” Connor yelled back, not taking his nose out of the book he was reading. Evan had recommended it to him. It was called “The Little Prince.” So far, he really liked it. 

Zoe didn’t respond. Connor heard her and her friends walking down the stairs. She was probably glad he wasn’t coming down to dinner. Connor and Zoe hadn’t really talked since she’d started hanging out with all her bitchy friends. Which was fine. He didn’t need his stupid little sister to talk to. 

Someone knocked on the door. 

“Who is it?” Connor called. 

“It’s mom.”

Connor sighed. “What do you want?” 

His mom opened the door and walked into his room, sitting next to him on the bed. “You gotta eat, bud,” She said. Connor scowled and stared harder at his book. 

“‘M not hungry,” He mumbled, voice defiant. 

His mother sighed. “Why not?”

Connor shrugged. “I’m just not.”

“Really? Because you never seem to be hungry when Zoe’s friends are here.” 

Connor shut his book and sat up, crossing his arms. He felt hot tears prick the back of his eyes. “Why would I care about Zoe’s dumb friends?” 

“I don’t know baby. Why would you?” 

“Why would I want to be around people who make fun of me all the time! They call me Crazy Connor and Connor the Psychopath and they laugh when kids shove me and it’s so stupid and why does Zoe want to be friends with them? She’s the worst sister in the world! I hate her! I hate them all! I hate everything!” Connor sobbed into his mother’s arms. “I wish I was dead,” He mumbled. “Everything would be easier if I was never born.” 

“Oh, Connor, love,” His mom said, holding his face up and brushing the tears from his cheeks. “No baby,” Her eyes were misty. “I love you so much,” She smoothed down his hair. “So, so much. You and your sister are the best things to ever happen to me. I’m sorry that life is hard, my love.” She hugged him tightly. He hugged her back, sniffling. 

“Mommy?”

“Yeah baby?”

“Can I eat dinner up here?”

“Sure, Con.”

The next morning, Connor was woken up by his father knocking loudly on his door. Connor groaned and covered his head with his pillow. 

“Connor!” His dad called through the door. Connor groaned again, trying to fall back asleep. 

“Son!” 

“What!” Connor yelled out, head still covered by a pillow. His dad walked into his room holding a brown grocery bag. 

“You and I haven’t had a father/son day in years. While Zoe and your mom are at the spa with all of Zoe’s little friends we’re gonna go have some fun!” 

Connor sat up. “I’m grounded,” He said. 

His dad smiled. “I’m your father. I reserve the right to take you out even if you’re grounded.”

Connor sighed. “Is this mandatory?” 

His dad sighed as well. They had almost the same sigh. It was weird. “Just open the bag, Connor.” 

Connor rolled his eyes and reached into the brown paper bag. 

He raised his eyebrows. “A baseball glove? Really dad?” 

His dad sighed. “Connor…”

“I don’t like baseball.” 

His dad  _ tsked _ . “Well then what do you like?” 

Connor gestured around his room. “I like comic books. I like regular books. I like to draw. I like hanging out with Evan, but I’m not allowed to do that for a week! I like video games. I don’t like stupid fucking baseball.” 

“Connor! Language!” 

“Fuck off, dad!” Connor threw the baseball glove halfway across the room and kicked the bag off of his bed. 

“I don’t understand what’s going on with you,” His dad said, sounding tired. 

Connor glared at the wall. 

“Maybe that’s because you never tried to,” He muttered. “Just… just leave me alone.” 

His dad sighed and left the room, not closing the door. Connor threw the baseball glove out into the hallway and slammed the door, tears slipping down his cheeks. 

He wasn’t sure why. 

 

***

 

Evan tugged at his shirt collar. He hated this. He didn’t understand why he had to be here. It was too hot here. He hated Colorado. He hated Dumb Megan and her dumb brown hair and her pink lips and the way she smacked her lips. He hated his dad for not picking him up at the airport. He hated that Megan said he could “call her mama.” If Connor was here he would tell her to fuck off. 

“So, Evan, are you excited? First time in Colorado.” She smiled at him with her too big mouth and too wide eyes.

Evan shrugged. 

“I’m just so glad I get to meet you! Your daddy has told me all about you!” She knelt down and pulled him in for a smothering hug. Evan hated it. The airport was already too loud and Megan wore too much perfume and her skin was too sticky and the air was too heavy and he wanted her to stop but didn’t know how to tell her. He closed his eyes and waited for her to let him go. 

“Alright sweetie!” She said, grabbing his hand. “Let’s go get your bag!”

Evan sighed and let her drag him to baggage claim. He pulled his beat up blue duffel bag off of the conveyer belt. 

“Do you want to go get food or should we head back to the condo?” 

Evan looked up at her with wide eyes. He couldn’t talk to this woman. He couldn’t really talk. He hadn’t said anything in a few weeks. Mrs. M. had asked him about it a few days ago and he didn’t know what to tell her. 

“ _ I just don’t have any good words right now, _ ” He wrote down on the paper she’d given him. She frowned, but let him go back to class. No one really understood when Evan ran out of words, except for Connor. Evan wished that Connor was here instead of Megan. 

Megan looked at him for a second before shaking her head. “We’ll just pick up something on the way home.” 

Megan’s car was stuffy. It smelled like the perfume that she wore. The seats were fuzzy. Evan hated when car seats were fuzzy. They were itchy against his legs and usually dirty. 

Evan wiped a bead of sweat off of his forehead. Megan didn’t have any air conditioning in her room. Evan hated being hot. It felt like all his senses turned up to ten. The music was too loud, the smell was overpowering, everything he was touching was smothering him. He needed to cry or scream or rip the universe in half so that he could get out of it. He bit his lip, trying not to show that anything was wrong. 

Evan sat next to his dad at the rehearsal dinner. It was weird. His dad had shaved his beard. He wore a different cologne, and smelled like a different house. His jeans didn’t have holes in them. He spent the day with his arm around Megan’s shoulder instead of around his mom’s. 

Evan didn’t know any of the people at the dinner. They were his dad’s new friends. Megan’s friends. His grandparents, who he hadn’t seen since he was a baby, were doting over Megan. Talking about how she was “such a nice girl.” Evan knew his grandparents didn’t like his mom because she was Jewish. Anger flared up in Evan’s hands, and he clenched them into fists. He wanted to hit something. He felt like someone had lit him on fire. He wondered if this was how Connor felt all of the time. 

When Evan thought of his parents, he thought of fighting. But it wasn’t always like that. He remembered when his mom would come home from long shifts and his dad would bring her dinner on the couch, and then carry her into their bed after she fell asleep on the couch. He remembered seeing his mom grab his dad’s hand on his first day of kindergarten. He remembered making chocolate chip cookies for his seventh birthday because he didn’t want a cake. He remembered when they all went to a baseball game for his dad’s birthday, and his parents kissing when their team won. 

Evan didn’t want to watch as his dad slipped a diamond ring onto Megan’s finger. He didn’t want to watch as they met for a kiss. He hated her. He hated him. He wanted his mom. 

 

***

 

Zoe’s mom and dad were fighting again. They were fighting about Connor. Again. They were always fighting about Connor. Everything was about Connor. Connor did this. Connor did that. Connor punched this. Connor got expelled from that. 

Zoe glared at Connor’s door. She bit the inside of her cheek. Why was Connor so important! Zoe wasn’t allowed to have friends over as much anymore because they made Connor upset. Maybe if Connor wasn’t such a freak all of the time people would actually like him. Maybe if Connor was nicer people would like him. 

Zoe heard something shatter downstairs. She jumped, running into her bed and burrowing in her blankets. Zoe remembered when she used to get scared and sleep in Connor’s bed. Or when he would read her to sleep. Now he just yelled at her, and threw things, and hogged their parents. 

Sometimes Zoe wished she never had a brother. 

Tears slipped down her cheeks. She crept out of her bed and closed her door so she couldn’t see Connor’s door anymore. She crawled back into bed and turned on her iPod, trying to drown everything out so she could sleep. She didn’t need Connor’s help. She didn’t need him at all. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ugh i kind of hate this chapter but here you go i guess lolololol.
> 
> pls comment because the statue of liberty didn't fully turn green until 1920 
> 
> ((also follow me on tumblr @aliensinflowercrowns and check out some of my other writing))
> 
> AND ALSO I HAVE ANOTHER THING TO SAY
> 
> me and my bestest friend (@secretlyconnormurphy) have started an askblog on tumblr!! it's @ask-godly-deh and it's basically a greek gods/myth of persephone AU for Dear Evan Hansen and it's really fun and it would mean a lot if you checked it out!! <3


	8. Burning Ben: Origins

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> in which connor fights, evan writes, and zoe has some bad nights

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: Swearing, mentions of violence, self hatred, shitty parenting

**AGE ELEVEN**

 

“Connor.”

Connor glared at his shoes.

“Connor.”

He balled his fists.

“Connor!”

“What?” He spat out, looking up at the pinch-faced vice principal.

“This is the fourth time this month we’ve seen you in here.”

“So?”

“So, you can’t keep doing this.”

“Fuck you!”

“Connor!”

“I… I’ll handle this, Mr. Parker,” The guidance counselor said, looking at Connor with that sympathetic smile adults gave him that said “you’ll never go anywhere in life and I’m truly sorry for that.”

The VP sat down with a sigh. “Connor,” The guidance counselor said.

Connor glared at him. “Where’s Mrs. M.?” He demanded. Connor liked Mrs. M. He’d been hanging out in her room since second grade, when Evan introduced them. She was the only adult at school who’d ever been nice to Connor.

“Mrs. M….” The counsellor sighed. “Mrs. M. doesn’t work here anymore.”

“Why not?”

“She… the school and her had some… ideological differences.”

“What the hell does that mean?”

“Connor, please, watch your language -”

“Oh, blow me!”

Connor wasn’t sure what that meant but he’d heard it on Buffy the Vampire Slayer and thought it sounded cool.

“Connor!”

“I want to talk to Mrs. M.!”

“Mrs. M. isn’t here anymore -”

“Then just fucking get it over with and expel me!”

“Connor you need to understand the consequences of your actions.”

“What do you mean?”

“Well, you really hurt Alex Mackey…”

“Yeah?” Connor raised his eyebrows. “That was the point. I mean like… that was the intended outcome of me punching him in the face. He made fun of my friend.”

“Your friend?”

“Evan. Hansen. Evan Hansen.”

The counselor sighed. “This isn’t the first time that you’ve gotten in trouble for defending Evan, is it?”

“Well he’s not going to defend himself.”

“Right…”

“I don’t understand why Alex isn’t in trouble! He made fun of Evan for crying! That’s bullying!”

“Well Connor, bullying isn’t kind but… Evan needs to learn to handle himself. I mean, you boys are in fifth grade now…”

“Are you fucking kidding me!? This is such bullshit!”

The vice principal spoke again. “ _Language_ , Mr. Murphy!”

“Connor, this isn’t about Alex, this is about you.”

“I wouldn’t be in trouble if I hadn’t punched Alex, Alex wouldn’t have gotten punched if he hadn’t been an asshole, ergo, it is also about Alex.”

“Ergo?”

“Oh fuck you, my vocabulary extends beyond swear words.”

“Connor, I’m not sure if it’s best that you and Evan see each other at school anymore.”

“ _What!?_ ”

“You boys both have a lot of trouble and we don’t think it’s healthy. It creates a dangerous school environment for other kids…”

“You think I’m dangerous?”

Blood rushed past Connor’s ears. How could they say that? Evan was his best friend. Evan was the only one who was nice to him. Even Zoe hated him now. Evan was the only one he had left. He shot out of the chair and down the hall. He couldn’t be hearing this. He couldn’t be here.

Connor vaguely registered the counsellor and vice principal shouting his name and chasing after him, but he didn’t care. He tore down the hall and out the doors, seeing his parents walking down the pathway that lead up to the school. He wrapped his arms around his mother’s hips, burying his tearful face in her stomach.

“Connor? Baby?” She said, surprised, comfortingly smoothing his hair. “What’s wrong.”

“They… they aren’t gonna let me and Evan be friends anymore…” He said tearfully.

“Well, that’s not what we were proposing -” The counsellor said, having followed Connor outside. “We’re just worried that the boys aren’t good for each other and it might be… affecting their school performance. Especially in Connor’s case.”

“Please don’t let them, mom, he’s my best friend!”

“Of course we won’t let that happen, baby…”

“Cynthia,” Connor’s dad said. “This is exactly what I was talking about.”

“He’s his best friend, Larry! You can’t possibly think that taking that relationship away is healthy!”

“I’m just saying they’re a little too codependent… I mean… look how much trouble Connor gets in for him…”

“Larry! I will not let your fragile masculinity get in the way of Connor’s development!”

“Oh my god, Cynthia, this has nothing to do with my ‘masculinity’! I’m just saying… boys shouldn’t have such close relationships!”

Connor pulled away from his mother and looked at his father, tears slipping down his face.

“You… you’re going to stop letting me be friends with Evan?”

“Connor, I -”

“I HATE YOU!” Connor screamed at his dad. “I HATE ALL OF YOU! I HATE THIS! I WISH I WAS DEAD!” Connor pushed past his parents and ran into their car, curling up on the floor in front of the back seat.

He hugged his knees to his chest and squeezed as tight as possible, trying to calm himself down. He felt like the world was crashing in on him. He wasn’t angry. He was sad. So sad and so scared. He needed Evan. Evan was the only one who didn’t think he was bad. Evan was the only one who cared. Evan understood that sometimes Connor got mad and that he was trying so hard to be good. Evan saw the good. Evan loved him.

The car door opened as quietly as a car door could, and his mother crawled into the back seat. She sat down near Connor and rubbed soothing circles into his back.

“We talked to the counsellor,” She said, and sighed. “You’re suspended for three days. They’re in there talking with your father about some ‘alternative options’ for middle school.”

“Are they gonna send me to school with all the drug addicts and murderers?” Connor mumbled.

His mom laughed a little, a breathy exhale of tired amusement. “They can try.” She patted his shoulder. “But I know you, Con. I know that you aren’t who they think you are. Besides, you’re way too smart for that kind of school.”

Connor laughed a little. “Thanks, mom.”

“Anytime, baby.”

He was quiet for a minute.

“I can still be friends with Evan, right?”

“Of course, love. I know how much he means to you.”

Connor wiped his eyes one more time, and released his legs, climbing up onto the seat to pull his mom in for a tight, secure hug.

“Hey mom… why did the chicken cross the road?”

“I dunno, Connor. Why?”

 

***

 

“I s-still c-can’t believe y-you punched h-him,” Evan said, laughing uncomfortably from across Connor’s bed. “It r-really was th-that big of a d-deal.”

“He made fun of you. He deserved it.”

Evan picked at the frayed hem of his shirt. “I j-just don’t l-like when y-you get in t-trouble for me.”

Connor shrugged. “I’m gonna get in trouble either way. Might as well be for a good cause.”

Evan frowned slightly. He hated that Connor was so nonchalant about this. He didn’t need Connor to defend him. Well, he sort of did, but he wished that he didn’t. It just made everyone think Evan was even more of a baby. After Connor got dragged to the office, Jared made fun of Evan for needing his “boyfriend” to “come and save him.” Of course Evan would never tell Connor that. He just hated feeling like he was bad for Connor, that he caused him to do self destructive things instead of constructive things.

“Did you hear that Mrs. M. got fired?” Connor asked, pulling Evan out of his head. Connor was good at telling when Evan needed to be pulled out of his head. He could tell the difference between an introspective silence and an anxiety riddled thought spiral.

“Y-Yeah,” Evan looked down at the floor. “The l-last time you w-were suspended I w-went to see her and there w-was just this… this g-guy in her office. I… uh…” He chuckled nervously. “I c-cried.”

Connor rolled his eyes and scooted closer to Evan, resting his head in Evan’s lap. Connor did that sometimes. He could tell when Evan needed physical contact to tether him to the world. Evan also knew that Connor liked being touched when he was stressed or sad. They knew a lot of things about each other without ever having to say anything.

“Do you know why?” He asked.

Evan nodded slowly, not saying anything. He didn’t want to see how Connor would react.

Connor rolled his eyes. “Oh my god am how much longer til I drag this out of you, Hansen? Why did she get fired?”

Evan took a deep breath. “The… the school f-found out sh-she had a g-girlfriend and th-they went t-to V-Vermont and got m-married… and the s-school fired h-her. My m-mom was r-really m-mad about it.” Evan bit his lip, trying not to get anxious. He knew that Connor went to church, and that Connor’s dad didn’t support gay marriage, and he saw how upset Connor got whenever anyone called him gay, and Evan was really worried that Connor didn’t like gay people, because…

Because…

Well because Evan thought it was unfair that gay people couldn’t get married in a lot of places.

Yeah.

That was the only reason.

“Wait… they fired her because she was gay?”

Evan nodded.

Connor’s face got all screwed, like he did when he was processing something he didn’t understand, then it developed into a scowl. He sat up quickly.

“Well that’s dumb as shit!” He said. “I can’t… I fucking… that’s so… that’s so terrible! How could they do that! That’s so stupid and unfair and I fucking... agh!” Connor tugged at his hair, like he did when he was upset or frustrated.

“Y-Yeah, it r-really is.”

Connor bit his lip and punched his pillow.

“I fucking hate school. I fucking hate everyone. The world is terrible. I wish I was never born.”

Evan looked stared at the pillow Connor had just assaulted. “You h-hate everyone?”

Connor lightly punched his arm. “Not you, dumbass. You’re the only reason I haven’t burned this whole place down yet.”

Evan laughed softly and smiled a bit.

“Pause!” Connor yelled out, grabbing his sketchbook. “Pause” was a game they’d played since last summer, when Connor’s parents sent him to an art camp. He’d shout pause whenever he wanted to draw something, and Evan needed to freeze whatever he was doing so that Connor could capture it. Alternately, Evan could “pause” a conversation if he wanted to write down something particularly witty or insightful, or if a good sentence came to his head and he couldn’t hear any other words because it would chase the sentence away.

Connor grabbed one of the graphite pencils he’d gotten for his eleventh birthday and started doing a rough sketch of Evan, who was doing his best to keep completely still.

“Okay…” Connor said slowly, his tongue sticking out through the gap caused by his missing tooth. “Done!” He flipped it around to show Evan. Evan noticed that when Connor was really excited about drawing the brown spot on his right eye seemed to get particularly sparkly.

Evan blushed at the drawing.

“I’m not th-that good looking…” He mumbled. “B-But it’s r-really good!”

Connor rolled his eyes. “Please. You’re the prettiest boy in our grade.” Connor’s face flushed red. “I mean… not that…”

Evan nodded erratically. “Y-Yeah.”

Connor was quiet for a second, then spoke: “Yannow, I was thinking… with your writing and my art… we should make a comic. Like of our own.”

Evan’s eyes lit up. He really liked that idea. “W-What would it b-be about?”

“Well… a superhero… obviously. He’d be a total badass, and fight monsters and demons.”

Evan smiled. “Y-Yeah… a-and he has a s-secret identity… n-no one knows h-how awesome he is.”

“Exactly!” Connor paused. “What should we name him? Evan?”

Evan blushed. “N-No way! We’ll c-call him C-Connor.”

“Ew. Gross. No. Neither of our names. We’ll give him his own name.”

“Uh… um… okay… how about… Ben?”

“Ben. I like that. Now we just need powers.”

“I d-dunno.”

“He should have fire powers. Like Zuko from Avatar.”

“Y-Yeah! And his super h-hero name s-should be… Fireboy! N-no… B-Burning Ben!”

“Perfect! He calls himself Burning Ben to throw people off because they’d never think that he would use his real name in his superhero name.”

“E-Exactly!”

Connor smiled wide and started sketching, while Evan dictated things about Ben’s life and backstory. Connor grabbed a different sketchbook he hadn’t drawing in yet and wrote on the first page: The Adventures Of Burning Ben, By: Evan Hansen and Connor Murphy.”

 

***

 

Zoe didn’t understand. She didn’t understand why Connor, who’d gotten _suspended_ earlier in the day, was allowed to have Evan over, and she’d had to cancel her playdate with Charity and Lindsey.

 _Poor Connor_. He was so sad and tormented, so he got to punch people, when Zoe got in trouble because one of her friends made fun of Alana Beck.

Evan had to go home before dinner, his mom was having “Taco Tuesday,” so Zoe was stuck sitting across from a scowling Connor. He was angry because dad didn’t let him go to the Hansen’s for dinner. Zoe was mad too. She didn’t want Connor to be there.

The air was tense. Zoe poked at her mashed potatoes with her fork. She wondered if anyone even noticed she was there. Of course, the topic of discussion was Connor.

“I don’t understand why I can’t just go to dinner at Evan’s! Heidi invited me!” Connor whined, pushing away his plate in defiance.

Dad sighed. “Connor, you got suspended today. We can’t just reward that kind of behavior.”

“I already told you, it was Alex’s fault!”

“Connor,” mom said with her “diffuse-the-tension” voice. “Violence is never the answer. ‘Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words -’”

“That saying is so stupid! It doesn’t even make sense!”

“Connor! Do not yell at your mother!”

“Zoe!” Mom said, suddenly acknowledging her existence. “How was your day today?”

Zoe smiled slightly, excited to share the news she’d been holding in all day.

“I got 100% on my math test today!” She said.

“Good job, sweetie,” Dad said. Connor scoffed. Dad turned to him, brows furrowed. “Something to say, Connor?”

Connor rolled his eyes. “Of course fucking perfect Zoe got a hundred on her math test and she just has to tell everyone right after I get yelled at.”

“Connor -”

Zoe cut her mom off. “That’s not what I meant at all! Dad asked me -”

“Oh save it you bitch!”

“Don’t call your sister a bitch!”

“Why do you have to be so mean all the time, Connor? Just because I’m not a freak -”

Connor sat up and lunged over the table, grabbing at his sister. “FUCK YOU ZOE! I FUCKING HATE YOU!”

Dad reached over, grabbing Connor around his middle. Tears pricked Zoe’s eyes as she fled upstairs to her room, slamming and locking the door.

She launched herself onto her bed, burying her head in pillows and letting the tears fall. She hated Connor. She hated how he yelled at her, how he was always the center of attention. She hated how much he scared her.

Zoe heard yelling downstairs, mostly Connor and her dad, but she didn’t care to listen hard enough to make it out. It was the same as always. Just another night in the trainwreck that was the Murphy household.

Tomorrow they would eat breakfast and Connor would tell a dumb joke under his breath and Zoe would laugh despite himself, or she would let him have the last bit of milk and he would give her a grateful half smile, it would almost feel like they were siblings. For now, she could hear him angrily stomping up the stairs, slamming his door, and blasting loud music.

A few minutes later, she heard the delicate footsteps of her mother as they passed by her door and knocked softly on Connor’s. She waited for her mom to finish talking to him and to come into her room and give her a kiss on the forehead and tell her that things were hard right now but he really did love her and everything would be okay, but she never did. She heard her mother leave Connor’s room and pass by her door again, walking down the stairs. Zoe shut her eyes tight, trying to stop the burning, hurt tears from falling. She should’ve accepted this.

No matter how hard she tried, she would never be Zoe, just Crazy Connor’s little sister, lucky to be an afterthought.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'M STILL ALIVE HOLY SHIT
> 
> I have a long weekend this week so i'm going to try to write a lot and stockpile chapters. thanks for bearing with me while i am slowly suffocated by the american public school system. 
> 
> pls comment because new zealand was the first country to grant women the vote in 1893
> 
> ((also follow me on tumblr @aliensinflowercrowns and check out some of my other writings))


	9. Ski Trip: Part I

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> in which connor has an idea, evan and heidi have a fight, and zoe continues to not deserve any of the things that i am piling on her

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: Swearing

**AGE TWELVE**

 

In Connor’s opinion, January was objectively the worst month. All of the festivities of Christmas ended, school started back up again, and one was hit with the cold hard reality of how much life sucked. On a more personal note, January meant New Year Skiing Trips with the Harris’s. These trips combined the three things Connor hated most in the world. His family, skiing, and being forced to socialize with other people. The ski trips were a wonderful way to kick off the New Year. It was a reminder that no matter what superficial “new beginning” society gave it, January 1st was going to be just as terrible as December 31st had been. 

Time meant nothing. 

The universe was unfeeling.

And Connor was a useless speck of dust floating alone in a void of pain and misery. 

At least there was My Chemical Romance. 

And Evan. 

“I th-think a s-skiing trip sounds f-fun,” Evan said quietly, looking up from the dialogue he was writing for the newest issue of Burning Ben. Connor guessed that he’d been complaining about skiing for the past fifteen minutes at least. 

He blew on his nails, hoping they were dry by now, and fixed Evan with a look. “Skiing is the worst form of torture known to man, Hansen.” 

“I m-mean… w-waterboarding sounds p-pretty rough C-Con.” 

Connor rolled his eyes. Evan ignored him. 

“B-Besides… at l-least your family c-can go skiing… I’ve n-never been on a t-trip like that… the l-last family t-trip I went on was wh-when my d-dad flew me out to go m-meet my newborn sister over f-fall break… and that was… w-well….” 

Connor knew what Evan was talking about. Evan had had a panic attack when his little sister started crying and his dad had yelled at him and sent him home. Connor hated Evan’s dad. He was an asshole. How could he leave his family just to go start a new one? Especially when his old family was Evan and Heidi. Connor would give anything for them to be his family. 

He looked at Evan, who had turned back to his notebook, and a brilliant idea occured to him. 

“You should come skiing with us this year!” 

Evan’s face immediately went red. 

“No, I, that’s, um I c-couldn’t… I, uh -”

Connor cut him off. When Evan got like this he would just stutter aimlessly until someone stopped him, like a car that was forever running out of gas. 

“No ifs, ands, or buts, Hansen, this is a brilliant idea!” 

“C-Connor, I c-can’t afford t-to go skiing,” Evan said at the superhuman speed he employed when saying something he wished he wasn’t saying. 

Connor bit his lip, thinking about this. “My parents can pay for you. I mean, we’ve got enough money. Besides, we already own the cabin, so it’s not like we’d have to really get an extra hotel room or whatever.” 

“No, C-Connor, there’s n-no way, I c-couldn’t… th-that’s so much money!” Connor could see the blood rushing to Evan’s face, and the way his breathing was becoming heavy. He rushed over and put a comforting hand on Evan’s thigh. 

“Evan, really,” He said in a soft voice. “It’s not a big deal. But if you don’t want to come, I won’t be upset.”

Evan took a few deep breaths, calming himself down. 

“I… I’ll ask m-my mom.” 

 

***

 

“No, Evan, absolutely not.”

“Wh-why not m-mom?” Evan whined, pulling out the puppy dog eyes that always worked on his mother. She sighed and pinched the bridge of her nose. 

“It’s too much money, honey.”

“B-But C-Connor said his p-parents would p-pay!”

“Evan, we are not a charity case!”

“It’s not ch-charity he’s m-my best friend!”

“I said no, Evan!” 

“But mom -”

“Don’t fight me on this!” 

“B-B-But -”

“Fine, Evan!” His mom yelled, slamming her hands on the table. “Just… do whatever you want. I don’t care.” 

Evan felt tears prick the back of his eyes. He hated fighting with his mom. Especially since he barely ever saw here. He wanted the time they had together to be good. He frantically tried to blink the tears away and excused himself from the dinner table, running up to his room. He would just have to tell Connor he couldn’t go skiing. His mom might’ve said it was okay, but he knew it wasn’t. He really hoped that Connor wouldn’t be mad at him. 

A soft knock came through the door. 

“Ev?” Evan’s mom said quietly, her muffled voice filtering into the room. 

“Wh-What?” Evan called out, wiping at his cheeks and blowing his nose, trying not to sound like he was crying. 

His mom opened the door and sat down next to him in the bed, putting a comforting arm around him. 

“I’m sorry I blew up at you like that, bud.” His mom sighed. “I just… I don’t know. It’s my own shit. I shouldn’t take it out on you. I love you loads. And if you want to go skiing with the Murphy’s you’re welcome to. Seriously.” She held his face in her hands, pinching his cheeks like she used to when he was a baby. “I’m just gonna miss you so much!” 

Evan laughed, “ _ Mom… _ ” He whined, pulling her hands off of him. “Th-Thank you.”

She kissed him on the forehead. “You don’t have to thank me for anything,  _ boychick _ .”

“Mom. I’m not a little boy anymore. I’m  _ twelve _ .” 

His mom smiled melancholically. “You’ll always be a little boy to me.” 

 

***

 

“Come on kids! Let’s get going!” 

Zoe grabbed her suitcase and started pulling it down the stairs, with some significant difficulty. 

“H-Here! L-Let me h-help you with th-that!” Evan said, trying to grab it out of her hands. 

“Please,” Zoe scoffed, tugging it closer to her chest. “If I can’t lift it, neither can you.” 

“Stop being such a bitch,” Connor said, appearing at the top of the stairs. He turned to Evan. “Don’t offer to help her. Maybe she’ll fall down the stairs and break her neck.”

“Why are you such a jerk?”

“Why are you such a brat?” 

Zoe rolled her eyes and turned away from Connor and Evan, continuing to pull her suitcase behind her. Of course Connor got to bring a friend skiing. Connor got whatever he wanted. Everyone was probably scared if they didn’t give him what he wanted he’d blow up the house. Zoe had seen a TV special about child criminals at Charity’s house the other day, and they’d all collectively agreed that would be Connor. 

The car ride up to the ski resort sucked. Zoe was stuck squished between Connor and Evan, because she was the smallest. Connor kept elbowing her, and Evan was fidgeting the whole time. 

Zoe remembered last year, she and Connor hadn’t been fighting when the went on the ski trip, and had played “eye-spy” until dad got annoyed and made them stop. Then they sang along with mom’s old music from the sixties, and worked together to wear down mom and dad so they’d buy them McDonald’s. Zoe and Connor never got McDonald’s. Of course today Connor and Evan spent the entire time leaning over her, whispering to each other. Why did Zoe have to sit in the middle? Evan and Connor clearly wanted to sit next to each other. If anyone should have to sit in the middle, it should be Evan. Zoe wasn’t the extra here, Evan was. 

At least Zoe got her own room once they got to the cabin. She unpacked all of her stuff and put on a comfy sweater that used to be Connor’s, and then went to watch TV until the Harris’s arrived. 

After an hour of TV, mom called all of the kids to the kitchen. 

“Alright,” She said. “Get all your skiing gear on, and let’s hit the slopes.” 

“Evan and I aren’t going skiing,” Connor said. 

Mom sighed. “Why not, Connor?”

Connor scoffed. Evan didn’t say anything. He was fiddling with the hem of his shirt, as usual. Zoe wondered if Evan even liked Connor, or if Connor just bullied him into hanging out with him. That would make sense. Evan would probably be easy to bully. 

“Cause skiing is stupid,” Connor said. “I hate skiing. I’m not going.”

Their dad sighed and rubbed his eyes. “Fine, Connor,” He said in a tight voice. “You guys can stay here, just don’t leave the cabin or make a mess, alright.” 

“Yeah, whatever,” Connor said, leading Evan out of the room. 

“Come on, Zo, let’s get ready to go,” Dad said. 

“I don’t want to go either,” Zoe said, trying to sound assertive. 

Her mom sighed, and twisted one of the bracelets on her wrist, something she did whenever she was stressed. “Zoe, please, I don’t want to deal with this right now.”

“Why does Connor get to skip skiing!?”

“Because Connor is… because he’s Connor. Just… come on Zoe. Get ready to go.”

Zoe sighed. She didn’t have the energy to fight back. Besides, it would be useless. “Fine,” She said, leaving the kitchen to get her gear. 

Zoe hated skiing. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> wow an actual timely update! wtf???? but srsly i've written enough that i'll be able to update at least every other day this week woot woot. 
> 
> new chapter of show me where it hurts coming soon btw! i know it's been a while for that one >.<
> 
> pls comment because your middle finger nail grows faster than the rest of them
> 
> ((also follow me on tumblr @aliensinflowercrowns and check out some of my other writing))
> 
> ALSO: "boychick" is a yiddish term that is: "an affectionate term for a young boy." I'm not Jewish, so if I fuck anything up please please tell me <3


	10. Ski Trip: Part II

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> in which connor distressed, evan is anxious, and zoe is done with all the bullshit

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: Swearing, Panic Attacks, Suicidal Thoughts, Slightly steamy for the first two paragraphs (nothing more than kissing, they're fuckin twelve) and alludes talks about puberty and stuff. (I'm making it sound much worse than it is)

Evan smelled like rain and books and the outside. He sat on Connor’s lap, knotting his hands in Connor’s hair and kissing him hungrily.

“Connor…” He moaned softly, kissing Connor’s neck. 

“Evan…”

Connor’s eyes snapped open. 

What.

The. 

Shit. 

He gripped his sheets and stared unblinkingly at the dark ceiling, breathing hard. He glanced over at Evan, who was curled up sleeping peacefully next to Connor. His eyes fluttered, and he exhaled, then shifted, turning to face the other side. 

_ Okay,  _ Connor thought.  _ He’s asleep. He’s definitely asleep. We’re good, we’re all good. _

Connor reached over to the nightstand, groping around until he found his glasses, and stuck them on his face. 

_ We’re good, we’re good, it’s fine, this is fine, it was just a weird dream _ .

Connor eased himself out of the bed, steadying himself with the wall. He made the mistake of glancing down. 

_ We’re not good, we’re not good, we’re fucked, we’re fucked, we’re fu- _

Five minutes later Connor was sitting against the wall of the bathroom, tugging on his hair. 

“ _ What the hell, _ ” He whispered quietly. Sure he knew about… puberty… and all that awkward stuff, but he didn’t know he would have  _ those sort of dreams _ about his best friend. Who was a boy. 

“Oh my god… am I gay?” Connor banged his head against the wall of the bathroom.  _ Great, Murphy, one more reason for you family to hate you _ . Goddamit. Evan was going to think he was so creepy. 

Connor took a deep breath and tried to reason with himself. 

Just because he had a creepy dream about Evan didn’t mean he was gay. It didn’t mean anything! He was twelve years old, right in the middle of puberty! His body was… flowering and all that bullshit. It was probably just a fluke. He was confused. Some synapses had misfired. He didn’t like Evan. 

Well, he liked Evan. 

But not like that!

_ I do not have a crush on Evan Hansen _ . 

_ I don’t. _

Connor tugged on his hair. He couldn’t just go back to bed. Sure, he and Evan had been sharing beds since they were seven but now it was weird. He groaned in quiet frustration. It was going to be a long night. 

Connor woke up to Evan standing over him, running a hand through his bed head. 

“C-Connor? What’re… wh-why were you sleeping in th-the bathtub? D-Did I kick t-too much again? I th-thought I stopped d-doing that…”

Connor’s face went red. He sat up and immediately regretted it. His back and neck were bent out of shape from the awkward angle he’d slept at. 

“No! It wasn’t you I just… uh, got hot.”

“G-Got hot?”

“Yeah! From like all the um, yannow, the covers? And the heating was on and I just needed to cool down and the bathtub is cool so… yeah. Not your fault.”

Evan nodded apprehensively. “O...kay… W-Well do you th-think you c-could leave? C-Cause I kinda n-need to use the b-bathroom and…”

“Right!” Connor sprang up and out of the bathtub, then awkwardly fumbled out the door. “I’ll just be in the room. Just uh, chillin. You do your thing, Hansen.” He closed the door quickly so Evan wouldn’t see how red his face was. 

“‘ _ You do your thing, Hansen,’ What the fuck was that!? _ ” Connor bit the inside of his cheek. He needed to stop acting like a weirdo and sort himself out. He pulled on some clothes and walked downstairs, trying to swallow the uneasy feeling in his chest. 

 

***

 

Evan had decided that he did not like skiing. In fact, he couldn’t understand why anyone would like skiing. Mr. and Mrs. Murphy had finally forced Connor (and by extension, Evan) out of the cabin and into the snow. 

The winter coat was stifling, and doing nothing to protect Evan from the bitter cold. He was sitting awkwardly between a livid Connor and an impertinent Zoe on a terrifyingly high ski lift. He looked down at the soft, snowy land hundreds of feet beneath him and couldn’t help but wonder what it would be like to slide out from under the bar and drift down to his death.

Wait.

What?

That was weird.

Evan shut his eyes tight and gripped the bar, almost grateful for the wave of anxiety that washed over him when he looked down once more. He regretted it a second later when the wave of anxiety developed into a full blown panic attack. 

Evan’s breathing turned rapid and heavy. Tears gathered in the corners of his eyes. He was too high, too high, too high. He was going to fall. He knew it. He was going to fall and he was going to die and the fall would be slow and excruciating and there would be no way to save him and he could already feel himself slipping and this was it this was the end he was going to die he was going to die right now right here he was too high and was going to fall and he was going to die and -

“Hey, are you okay?” Evan heard Zoe’s voice from his left. 

He tried to nod. He couldn’t speak. Either the words wouldn’t come out or he would just start screaming. Either way, he didn’t trust himself to open his mouth. 

“Evan?” Zoe asked. “Evan, are you alright?” 

Evan couldn’t tear his eyes away from the ground. 

“Evan?”

Connor’s harsh voice cut in from his right. “Shut up, Zoe. He obviously doesn’t want to talk to you.”

Evan tried to breathe, but his lungs weren’t working correctly. 

“Oh my god Connor, the only reason I said anything is because you clearly don’t care that your friend is freaking out!” 

His tears refused to fall, instead gathering in the corners of his eyes until it was painful. 

“Don’t talk to me about Evan! You don’t know anything about him!”

His mouth was filling up with blood. Evan noticed he’d been biting his lip for the past five minutes. He couldn’t unclench his jaw. 

“I bet you bully him into being your friend. You’re such a freak, Connor!” 

Evan’s hands ached from holding onto the bar. 

“Fuck you, Zoe!” Connor lurched forward, grabbing at Zoe. The hinges of the ski lift let out a sickening creak, and the car jerked to the side. Zoe shrieked in fear. Evan felt his insides tighten further in upon themselves. 

He felt blood drip down his chin. 

“Holy shit, Evan!” 

Connor’s cold gloved hands grabbed his shoulders, turning Evan to face him. 

“Are you okay?”

Evan tried to shake his head. He wasn’t sure if it actually happened. 

“Evan?” 

Connor’s hands were on his face. Connor was wiping away blood and tears. Connor was pulling his hands off of the bar. Connor was whispering softly to him, calming him down the way he had for the past five years. Connor was breathing with him. Connor was there, pulling him back to reality. Connor kept his heart secure in his chest. 

“Are you alright?” Connor said, once Evan had returned to the correct plane of existence. 

“I… I’m a-alright…” Evan mumbled, ignoring the coppery sting in his mouth. He wondered if he would have a scar on the inside of his lip. 

Connor grasped his hand. “We’ll be on the mountain soon,” He said. “You’re gonna be fine, Ev. Everything is gonna be fine.” 

Evan nodded. He trusted Connor. 

 

***

 

Zoe glared at the food on her plate. She couldn’t wait to go home. Today had been terrible. 

First, the Mrs. Harris had forced her to help her make breakfast, even though Zoe hated cooking, then Connor had tried to push her out of the ski lift, then Evan had a panic attack when they got to the top of the mountain and Zoe’s dad had to guide him down the mountain, even though he was supposed to help Zoe, so Connor was forced to help her, which went about as well as anyone would expect. 

“Alright everyone, let’s say grace,” Her mom said, smiling at the Harris’s. Zoe caught Evan’s eye and saw the panic written across his face. She offered him a sympathetic smile. Zoe might actually like Evan, if he wasn’t friends with Connor. 

“Connor?” Mom prompted. 

God. What was she thinking? Connor hadn’t said grace in years. He’d probably tell Jesus to eff himself or something like that. Connor must’ve had the same thought. He cocked an eyebrow at their mother. 

“Really?” He drawled. 

“Connor,” Dad sighed. “Just… cooperate? For once?” 

Connor rolled his eyes and grabbed Evan and mom’s hands, closing his eyes and reciting in a bored voice: “Uh… Bless us O Lord, and these, um, your… gifts? Which we receive from Thy bounty, or whatever. Uh… through Christ? Um, yeah. Amen.” 

Everyone let go of each other’s hands and opened their eyes. Dad shot Connor a very pointed “we-are-going-to-talk-about-your-relationship-with-Jesus-later-young-man look.” Zoe tried to stifle her laughter. Evan’s eyes were wide, as if he was wondering if taking part in saying grace meant he was now converted to Catholicism. Zoe wondered if Connor got the prayer wrong on purpose. She knew that he was smart enough to memorize something he heard every night, unless he made an effort to block it out, which was also a possibility. 

She picked up her fork, digging into the chicken and mashed potatoes, covered in homemade gravy. The only good thing about these ski trips was Mrs. Harris’s cooking. 

“So, kids,” Mr. Harris said a few minutes. “How’s school going.” 

Connor, Zoe, and Evan all shrugged and mumbled some variant of “fine” with stunning synchronicity. 

“Zoe just started guitar lessons,” Mom said. 

“Well that’s fun!” Mr. Harris said. “Are you enjoying them, Zoe?” 

Zoe smiled. “Yeah,” She said. “I really like playing the guitar. I think I want to join jazz band when I get to middle school.” 

“Well aren’t you the ambitious one!” Mrs. Harris said, smiling kindly at Zoe. Zoe preened under the attention. She could feel Connor’s glare on her. Maybe their parents gave him all the attention, but random adults always liked Zoe better. 

“What about you, Connor?” Mr. Harris asked. “You’re in middle school now, right? Sixth grade?”

Connor scoffed. “Yeah, but I’m thinking of running off and joining the circus.”

Mrs. Harris laughed uncomfortably. 

“That’s our Connor!” Mom said. “Always joking around!” 

“Or if I don’t do that, I’ll probably just get expelled and join a drug cartel.”

“Connor!” Zoe’s dad said harshly. “That is enough.” 

“I mean it’s the truth. Hell, dad wanted to send me to military school!” 

“Connor! Language! Besides, I never said that we were only throwing around ideas - I’m sorry, Connor’s just going through a bit of a phase right now, you know how kids that age are -”

“What phase, dad? The phase of being a huge disappointment? That’s what you think I am, isn’t it?” 

Their mom stepped in to the conversation “Connor where is this coming from?”

Dad cut her off. “Connor, we are not doing this right now!” 

“Oh no, because we have to save face for the fucking Harris’s!” 

“You watch your language, young man -”

“I’m done eating. C’mon Evan.” 

Connor pushed himself away from the table and stomped to Evan and his room, leaving a stuttering Evan to mumbled profuse apologies and clear their plates, then skitter away, following Connor. 

“I’m…” Mom sighed, rubbing her eyes. “I’m sorry about that. He… Connor has some troubles…”

Mrs. Harris smiled kindly, patting Zoe’s mom on the arm. “Don’t worry, Cynthia dear. Our little Michael went through the same phases. This will pass, don’t you worry.” 

The adults went on to have a long discussion about parenting and different issues they had with their children. Zoe wondered if they’d forgotten she was there, or if they just didn’t care. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Alternate Title: Connor Murphy's Gay Crisis
> 
> pls comment because blue whale's tongues usually weigh over 200 tons
> 
> ((also follow me on tumblr @aliensinflowercrowns and check out my other writing))


	11. Evan's Bar Mitzvah

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> in which heterosexuality literally doesn't exist 
> 
> also for purposes of ~~~dramatic tension~~~ and ~~~story cohesion~~~ the order of POVs is different in this chapter. It goes Evan's perspective, Zoe's perspective, Connor's perspective

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: Swearing

Evan wondered if it was normal not to remember reading the  _ Haftarah _ at his Bar Mitzvah. Probably not. 

He doubted that he would remember anything from his Bar Mitzvah. There was so much food, so many gifts, and so many people whom he barely recognized talking to him and hugging him and congratulating him. He sort of hated it. 

But, he saw how happy his mom was. She’d never gotten a Bat Mitzvah. Evan didn’t know exactly why. She didn’t talk about her family or childhood much. Either way, Evan could tell that she wanted his Bar Mitzvah to be amazing. 

He sat down on the couch, trying to get away from all of the people. His mother couldn’t afford to rent some fancy venue, so they were having the Bar Mitzvah at his house. 

“Well,” Jared said, sitting down next to him. “It’s not as good as mine was, but whatever.  _ Mazel tov, shlemiel _ .” 

Evan rolled his eyes. “Th-Thanks, Jared,” He said dryly. Jared laughed and punched Evan’s arm affectionately. 

“Seriously,” He said. “You did good, Hansen. I mean, you didn’t barf all over the Torah, so… I’d count that as a success.” 

Evan smiled a little bit. “Wh-Why are you b-being nice? D-Did you get i-into the liquior cabinet?” 

“Screw you, Hansen. I’m a fucking delight.”

Evan laughed. “S-Sure you are, J-Jared.” 

Jared laughed as well, then hit Evan’s arm, pointing towards the door. “Hey Evan, your boyfriend’s here.” 

Evan’s eyes followed where Jared was pointing, and landed on Connor, Zoe, and Mr. and Mrs. Murphy, who’d all just arrived. 

“Sh-Shut up, Jared, C-Connor’s n-not my boyfriend,” Evan said absentmindedly, standing up and walking over to the Murphys. 

“Happy Bar Mitzvah, Evan!” Mrs. Murphy said, giving him a hug. 

“Mazel tov, kid,” Mr. Murphy said, affectionately ruffling his hair. 

“Here’s this,” Zoe said, handing him a brightly wrapped box. “Happy Birthday, or whatever.” 

“Oh, uh, um, th-thanks f-for coming!” Evan said. “A-And, th-thanks f-for this. I-I’ll just g-go p-put it with th-the others.” He smiled awkwardly and stumbled away, feeling grateful when he saw Connor follow him. 

“I, um, I-I like the outfit,” Evan said, gesturing to Connor. Connor’s face flushed. 

“Yeah. Mrs. Harris bought the tie like forever ago, for Bar Mitzvah season, yannow? Glad I got the chance to um, break it in.” 

“Y-Yeah…” Evan looked past Connor and groaned. 

“What?”

“Z-Zoe and J-Jared are t-talking to each other.”

Connor scowled. “Fuck. Jared’s never been anything but an ass to her.” 

“I k-know.” Evan thought for a second. “Sh-Should we… d-do anything about it?” 

Connor shrugged. “I’m pretty sure that would just make everything worse.” 

Evan nodded, and picked at the sleeve of his suit. 

“Are you alright?” Connor asked. 

“Y-Yeah… it’s j-just… th-there’s a l-lot of p-people a-and…”

“Do you want to go upstairs?”

Evan nodded. Connor always knew how to calm him down. 

 

***

 

“Zoe Murphy!” 

Zoe scoffed and rolled her eyes. “Jared Kleinman.”

“You just can’t stay away from me, can you?”

“Seriously, Jared?”

Jared laughed. Zoe thought he sounded like a crazed elephant. 

“Really though, what are you doing here? Word on the street is that you and your bro-bro don’t have the best relationship. And by word on the street, I mean Evan.” 

Zoe glared at him. “My parents dragged me here.”

“Zoe?” A familiar voice called out from behind her. Zoe turned around to see Alana Beck standing in front of her. Her hair was braided, and pulled in a Cinderella-esque bun. She wore a light yellow cupcake dress that matched her glasses and braces. She had the faintest hint of glittery pink lipgloss painted on her smile. She was stunning. 

“H-Hey, um, Alana,” Zoe said, looking down at the floor. “Long time no see.”

“Yeah,” Alana said, trying to keep the sadness out of her voice. 

“How’s um… how’s the seventh grade?” Alana had been moved up a grade two years ago. 

“It’s cool, it’s cool. Connor and I are in the same English class. That’s… interesting. How’s sixth grade?”

Zoe laughed uncomfortably. “Middle school is big,” She said. Alana laughed a little. 

“Yeah it is. Are you still hanging around with Charity and Lindsey?”

“Yeah. We’re uh… going to the mall next Saturday. You should come.”

“I’ll see if I can!”

They both knew that Alana wasn’t going to go to the mall next Saturday. 

“I didn’t know you were friends with Evan,” Zoe said. 

“Yeah, well, his mom and my papa work together at the hospital and… I don’t exactly get invited to many parties so…” She shrugged. 

Zoe nodded, still not looking Alana in the eye. “Yeah.”    
“Well, it was great seeing you, Zoe.”

“You too!”

“Text me anytime!”

“I will!” 

Zoe forced a smile onto her face as she watched her old best friend walk away, and tried to ignore the painful aching in her chest. 

 

***

 

Connor closed the door behind him and flopped onto Evan’s bed, staring up at the familiar glow in the dark stars on the ceiling. Evan flopped down next to him. Connor could see him visibly relax now that they were alone. 

“So,” Connor said. “How does it feel to officially be a man?”

Evan sighed. “I-Itchy.” He sat up and pulled off his suit jacket and tie, threw them onto the floor, then plopped back down. “Th-that’s better.”

Connor laughed. 

“So I was thinking,” He said. “We should have a Bar Mitzvah issue of Burning Ben.”

“Is B-Ben J-Jewish?”

“Well what else is he going to be, Catholic?”

“I d-dunno. I m-mean, in a world of d-demons, monsters, and fire powers, can anyone keep f-faith in benevolent G-God?”

“Jesus Evan, I just want Ben to travel back in time and punch Hitler.”

“D-Didn’t C-Captain America a-already do that?”

“I think it’s safe to punch Hitler multiple times. Like… he’s a dude that deserves more than just one punch.”

“Th-that’s f-fair. Still, i-isn’t B-Ben like… s-seventeen.”

“God, Ev, excuse me for trying to be inclusive of your religion!”

Evan laughed. “Y-You’re excused,” He said, sitting up and booping Connor on the nose. “R-Remember wh-when I w-was ten, and didn’t t-talk for a y-year, and we m-made up our own v-version of s-sign language?”

Connor smiled at the memory. “Yeah. Why?” 

“I j-just… y-you’re a r-really good friend, C-Connor. I d-don’t know a-anyone else that would d-do that kind of thing.”

Connor smiled. “I’d do anything for you, Ev.” 

_ Shit. That sounded really gay. _

Evan turned to face Connor, and gave him a half smile. His face was relaxed and droopy. It was adorable. Connor felt like such a creep.

Evan smiled softly. 

_ Oh my god, I want to kiss him _ , Connor thought. He moved a little closer to Evan.  _ No no no I’m not going to do this, I’m not going to kiss him, that would be terrible and creepy and he’ll hate me forever and _ \- 

And Connor kissed him, then immediately pulled away, a thousand apologies streaming out of his mouth. 

“Oh my god, I am so sorry, that was so stupid, it won’t ever happen again, can we please just pretend that nothing happened at all? I’m so sorry Ev -”

And Evan kissed him, without pulling away. It was messy, and awkward, and a little gross, as most first kisses are, but Connor felt like he was harnessing the energy of a thousand exploding stars. 

Evan’s lips were soft. He tasted like mint toothpaste and salt. Evan’s hand was on his thigh. His hand was on Evan’s waist. Evan’s lips were on his lips. 

They broke the kiss after what felt like both years and no time at all. (It was really only three seconds.) Evan’s face was flushed, his lips slightly swollen, his eyes hopeful and bright. Connor grabbed his hand and laced their fingers together. 

“Happy Birthday, Evan.” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *jake dillinger voice* gayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy
> 
> pls comment because you weigh 5.5 ounces less on the equator
> 
> ((also follow me on tumblr @aliensinflowercrowns and check out my other writing))
> 
> shlemiel (yiddish term): A dummy; someone who is taken advantage of, a born loser.


	12. Turning Point: Part I

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> this chapter is told completely from Connor's perspective.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: Depression, Graphic Depictions of Self Harm, Self Hatred, Though Spirals, Paranoia, Suicidal Thoughts

Connor woke up feeling heavy. He knew logically that he was the same weight as when he went to bed, but he felt as if someone had places ten pound bricks where his soul should be. Not only was he heavy in his body, he was heavy in his mind. He was clouded and angry and hollow. He couldn’t bring himself to exist.

He’d been feeling this way for a while. It had started a few months ago. Connor had always had “problems,” but they’d been getting worse. People were losing tolerance. He was no longer just a kid who was having a hard time, he was a teenager who needed to get his act together. He’d been fighting with Zoe more. He had been getting worse grades in school. Sometimes he felt as if the universe had grown bored of him. As if someone had stopped giving him that spark of life that made the world bearable. He was like a shell. An angry, empty shell.

His mother knocked on his door. “Connor! I hope you’re awake! We have to leave in a half hour.”

He didn’t respond.

She knocked again. “Connor!”

More knocking. “ _Connor!”_

The door opened. His mother stepped in, looking at him lying on the bed.

“Oh, good, you’re awake,” She said. “Would it kill you to respond?” She looked around the room and sighed. “And… clean up in here. It’s a mess! You’re almost in high school I can’t clean your room for you.” She knelt down and picked up some clothes off the floor, throwing them into the hamper.

“Jesus, it’s like a morgue in here.” She opened the window. “That’s better.” She turned back to Connor, who hadn’t moved at all, and rolled her eyes. “Come on, Connor. Get up. We don’t have time for this.”

“I’m not feeling well,” He mumbled, staring off into space.

His mother sighed, and pressed an impatient hand to his forehead. “You don’t have a fever.”

“It’s my stomach.”

“Connor, you’ve already missed too much school this year and it’s only October. Just… come on. Let’s go.”

“I’m not going.”

“Connor!”

“I said I don’t want to go!”

“Fine! Don’t go!” She threw her hands up and left the room.

Connor sighed and stared through his open door out into the hallway. He knew he should feel bad that he’d stressed her out, but he could only be relieved.

Zoe left her room, her hair pulled back with two barrettes, since apparently twintails weren’t cool once you reached seventh grade. She gripped the straps of her backpack and shot Connor a nasty look, probably thinking his laziness was going to cause her to be late, again. He didn’t have the energy to yell at her, or call her a bitch. Instead he just stared. She rolled her eyes and kept on walking. Fuck her. She probably couldn’t wait to run to her friends and tell them what a freak he was, and then they’d all fucking laugh at him from the living room whenever they came over. She was such a fucking bitch.

Connor’s vision was obstructed by khaki pants and loafers. His eyes flicked up, and he was met with the seething face of his father.

“Connor. Get up.”

Connor glared. His dad sighed.

“Connor, we aren’t doing this today. You’re going to school. Now come on, you’re going to be late.”

“I don’t feel well.”

“God damn it, Connor! Get out of bed! You’re going to school! You have to go to school!”

Connor glared at him and turned over, digging himself deeper into a pit of covers and facing the wall.

“Connor Murphy! If you don’t have your ass dressed and ready to go in five minutes… you… you…”

“What are you gonna do, _Larry_.”

His dad made an angry, guttural sound, and pulled the blankets off of Connor’s bed, leaving him face down on the mattress, shivering in a tee shirt and boxers.

“You’re going to fucking school.”

“Fuck you.”

_“Connor!”_

_“Fine!”_

Connor stared petulantly out the passenger seat window, watching raindrops chase each other down the glass. His father sighed next to him.

“Connor, I…” He trailed off and sighed again. “I’m sorry. About this morning. I was… harsh...er… um, harsher than I needed to be.” He paused. “I was tired and stressed and I have this big case at work - but, that’s not important. I… I mean, you have to go to school, but, I should’ve handled it better, so. Yeah.”

Connor continued to stare out the window. His face burned. He couldn’t tell if it was from rage or shame.

“Connor?”

He bit down hard on his tongue. His father sighed again, angry and defeated, and turned up the radio.

“Connor?” His math teacher said. “Connor?”

Connor’s eyes didn’t leave the faux wood of his desk.

“Connor! Can you please solve for _x_?”

He didn’t say anything. Connor didn’t understand math. It all took too long. Sometimes Evan would explain it to him, and that helped. Evan was good at math. So was Jared, but Jared was an asshole, and whenever Connor, Evan, and Jared would do homework together Jared acted like Connor was stupid because he wasn’t in advanced math like the other two. In fact, Connor was technically in lower math. He hated it. Everyone thought he was stupid. He was ‘troubled.’ Beyond saving. Hopeless. Connor was a bad kid. Bad, bad, bad.

“Connor!”

His eyes flicked up to the board.

0 = X2 + 10X + 21

The numbers and letters swam in front of him. He knew he was supposed to plug it into some complicated formula. He couldn’t remember which parts were equal to A, B, or C.

“Connor?”

His face burned. Everyone was looking at him. The girl next to him was snickering. He looked down at his notes, desperately hoping that he’d absentmindedly copied the instructions down as the teacher was writing them, but all that was on his page was a side profile of Evan and a sketch of a tower wrapped in thorn bushes.

The silence of the room filled up his head. The teacher was staring at him, a look of unsurprised disappointment fixed on her face. No one else in the class knew the answer either, but that didn’t matter. Right now all eyes were on Connor. Laughing at him. Mocking him. Waiting for him to trip up and fail, or yell and lash out. Waiting until lunch when they could tell their friends what “Crazy Connor Murphy” did today. He imagined what Zoe would do when she found out. She’d probably think it was hilarious.

The teacher sighed. “Amy, can you please help Connor out?”

A blonde girl with short wispy hair fumbled with her notes, stammering out some order of operations. Connor’s face burned. Connor’s whole body burned. The entire world was like cling wrap on wet skin, stifling and suffocating him. His eyes swam. Everyone was looking at him. Why wouldn’t they be looking at him? He was freaking out. He was a freak in general. He wished that Evan was here.

Connor felt like he was drowning. He couldn’t breath. He skin was shrinking rapidly. He was going to explode. He was like the Little Prince, trapped on a planet that was far too tiny. He stood up.

“Connor?” The teacher exclaimed. Connor barely heard the scrape his chair had made against the tiled floor. He could barely register the confused whispers all around him. He hastily gathered his things, and stumbled out the door, leaving the confused yelps of his teacher and the enraptured conversations of his classmates behind.

Connor walked out the door. No one noticed. His teacher gave up pursuing him halfway down the hall. His feet carried him home. He barely felt the walk. It was like he blinked, and he was home. Numbly, Connor dropped his backpack on the doorstep, groping around his pockets for his key. He walked into the house. Leaving the front door ajar. Connor wasn’t sure if he was having a panic attack. He knew that Evan had those sometimes. He felt like his senses were turned down to three and turned up to seventeen at the same time. He was like a loose balloon, floating dangerously high above his body. He needed something to bring him back down.

Connor walked up the stairs, turning down the hallway, past his room, and to the bathroom he and Zoe shared. He turned on the shower, and stepped in, not even taking off his shoes or glasses. The frigid water washed over him, individually waking up each nerve it touched. He peeled off his shirt, throwing it onto the floor, and let the water cascade down his bare chest. The hair on his arms and the back of his neck stood up.

Only then, half clothed soaking wet, did the reality of what he had done sink in.

Connor was fucked.

His teacher would tell the principal that he’d left class. The principal would expel him. His parents would be so angry. His mother would cry. His dad would be so disappointed. He’d look at Connor like he couldn’t believe he was his son. Like Connor was defective.

The kids would tell everyone. They’d tell Zoe. Zoe would laugh and laugh. She’d probably tell Evan. Evan would realize how much of a psychotic fuck up Connor was and stop being his friend.

The world was closing in on Connor in an all new sort of way. He couldn’t believe what he had done. He was such an idiot! He was so useless! Why couldn’t he ever do anything right!? Why was he even alive. He was a burden on everyone. They’d probably be happier if Connor had never been born. He wondered if anyone would care if he dropped dead tomorrow.

Connor turned off the water. It was too loud now. His body was too awake. Every nerve was buzzing. Something was boiling under his skin, something dark and angry and poisonous. He needed out. He was no longer floating away, but collapsing in on himself.

He groped at the wall of the shower, until his hands found where the soap was kept. He closed his fist around a small object. He grabbed it and looked at it. It was a pink razor. Zoe had just started shaving her legs, apparently. Connor bit his lip. He uncapped the raizor, mesmerized by the small gleaming blades. He ran an experimental fingertip over them, and watched with wide eyes as blood started to collect. With shaking, baited breath, Connor ran the razor over his arm.

Nothing happened.

He clenched his teeth. He ran it over his arm again, pressing lightly, and scraping it repeatedly. Over and over and over and over and over again until small bright red lines started appearing on his pale forearm.

Something unfurled in Connor’s chest at the sight of the blood, and he was overtake by an eerie calm.

Feeling slightly as though he was about to throw up, Connor opened Zoe’s bathroom drawer and replaced the razor in the shower, taking the one he’d used into his bedroom. He found a black hoodie and slipped it on, making sure that no one could see his cuts, then collapsed into bed, a foreign feeling in the pit of his stomach as he concentrated on the soothing throb of his arm.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> HEY! YOU!
> 
> DO YOU LIKE DEAR EVAN HANSEN?
> 
> DO YOU LIKE TREE BROS?
> 
> DO YOU LIKE MY WRITING????
> 
> WELL THEN YOU SHOULD CHECK OUT MY DEH ASKBLOG: ask-godly-deh !!!!
> 
> IT'S GOT AMAZING ART AND IT'S BASED OFF OF GREEK MYTHOLOGY AND DEAR EVAN HANSEN AND IF YOU FOLLOW IT I'LL DIE FOR YOU!!!
> 
> OR YOU COULD FOLLOW MY PERSONAL TUMBLR @aliensinflowercrowns
> 
> sorry about the inconsistent uploads. school is a thing. so is depression. and so is executive dysfunction. i'm dyin scoob.


	13. Turning Point: Part II

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is told completely from Evan's point of few

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: Self harm, Anxiety, Panic attacks, Thought Spirals

Evan stared out at the sea of people. It felt like there were millions of kids, all with their eyes fixed on him. In reality, it was twenty five, at most. Evan bit the inside of his lip and fiddled with his paper. It would’ve been so much easier if Connor was here, but Connor took honor’s english. Evan was supposed to take honor’s english, but he’d gotten such a terrible anxiety attack on the day of the placement test that he ended up leaving halfway through. 

Evan had been asked to read his paper on Cuba for the whole class, since the teacher liked it so much. Evan didn’t understand why she had to punish him for writing an above average paper. 

Evan found Jared’s eyes. Jared was staring at him like he was an idiot. He probably was an idiot. If he wasn’t such an idiot he would be reading his paper out instead of standing there… like an idiot. 

“SPEAK!” Jared mouthed. Evan stared on hopelessly. 

“Uh…” He said. “Um, I… uh…” The hairs on his arms stood up. He could feel his classmates combing over his experience. He felt like a frog on a dissection table, bare, exposed, and helpless. 

“I…” 

Why couldn’t he just be normal? Why couldn’t he just read the paper like it was no big deal.

“A-And… s-so the, um…” 

Evan was so useless! No one else would be freaking out so much! He was just making everything worse. Every could see him shake and sweat and stutter. What was wrong with him?

“Uh…”

Everything was wrong with him.

“C-Cuba…” 

His eyes were hot and prickly. His arms were sweaty and itchy. The attention was a heat lamp, searing into him. 

Evan took a deep breath, and, with uncontrollably shaky hands, brought the paper up to his face. 

“I -” 

_ Rip _ .

Evan stared at the tear in the top of his paper. His heart leapt into his throat and his stomach plummeted to his feet. Evan let out a strangled sob before dropping the paper and fleeing into the hall, where he burst out into tears. 

He could hear the laughter of his classmates, and the clipped sound of his teacher walking down the tiled hall. Evan got off of the floor where he’d been crouched and scrambled into the boy’s bathroom, locking himself in the handicapped stall and sitting on the toilet. This was his life now. 

Evan bit down hard on his lip until he tasted blood. He curled his hands into tight fists until he could feel the little half-moon marks beginning to form. He was in so much trouble. The teacher would tell the principal he’d ditched class, then the principal would tell his mom, and then his mom would get home early and she’d give him that disappointed look that seemed to be her way of asking the world why she couldn’t have a less defective son. 

He tried to do what Mrs. M. had told him so long ago. Breathe in for four, hold for four, breathe out for four. 

In for four.

Hold for four.

Out for four.

In.

Hold.

Out.

Four.

Four. 

Four.

His heart rate came back to a somewhat normal speed, but he was still trapped. He had no idea what he was going to do. He couldn’t go back to class. Everyone would laugh at him and the teacher would ask him where he’d gone to and Jared would bring it up next time Evan went to his house and - 

In for four, hold for four, out for four. 

The P.A. system crackled to life, bouncing off the tiled walls of the bathroom.

“Evan Hansen to the principal’s office, Evan Hansen to the principal’s office.” 

Evan bit his lip again. He hated having his name called by the P.A. He hated how it drew so much attention. He hated when he would stand up to leave class and everyone would say “oooooooh you’re in trouble,” because even if they were joking, it still made him feel like he’d done something wrong and everyone knew about it except for him. 

Still, Evan had never ignored a summons to the office. He wasn’t sure if that was even possible. He climbed off the septic tank and shakily exited the bathroom, walking down the empty halls. He walked into the office to see Pamela, the receptionist, fix him with a displeased look. “What is it this time?” She asked. 

Despite Evan’s protests, they called his mother. 

“I just… I don’t know what to do!” She said to him on the car ride home, still in her scrubs. She had to go back to the hospital after she dropped him off at home. 

“I don’t understand what I’m doing wrong. What am I doing wrong!?”

Evan stared out the window. “You aren’t doing anything wrong,” He mumbled. 

“Clearly something isn’t working. This is the third time I’ve had to come get you in the past two weeks. This is ridiculous.” 

“I k-know, I-I’m sorry -”

“Are you!? Because it sure as hell doesn’t feel like it!”

Evan let out a sob. His mom sighed. 

“Evan, baby, I’m sorry I yelled. I’m… I’m really stressed out right now and… that’s not an excuse I just.” She pulled up in front of their house and hung her head. “I’m trying so hard,” She whispered. Evan saw tears fall onto her scrubs. “I’m sorry I’m such a bad mom.”

“Y-You a-aren’t a b-bad m-mom, M-Mom,” Evan said, leaning over and pulling her into a hug. “I’m s-sorry I’m s-such a b-bad son.”

“Oh, love, you’re the best son in the world!” She exclaimed. “I just… I just wish I could make you happy. I wish I could get you help.”

Evan nodded silently. “I’m sorry,” He mumbled again, breaking the embrace and exiting the car, grabbing his beat up backpack. He walked up the path, hearing the car speed away before he was even in the house. 

His mom thought he was broken. She thought there was something wrong with him. Something she had to fix. She thought it was her fault. 

It was Evan’s fault. He was defective. Messed up and broken inside like a package that had been tossed around too much in transit. He was sharp shards of glass that cut everyone he was close to. Hot tears fell down Evan’s cheeks. He hated himself. He wished he was never born. His mother would’ve been so much better off if she’d gotten an abortion, or if he’d been a stillborn, or if she gave him up for adoption. He’d still exist, but she wouldn’t have to deal with him. 

Sometimes he wished that she’d given him up for adoption. He could live with a rich family like the Murphy’s. He could have a brother or a sister, and two parents, and he wouldn’t have to make himself dinner every night. 

No. Evan would be a screw up wherever he was, because he had horrible thoughts like that. He was a horrible person. He didn’t deserve nice things. He wished, for what felt like the thousandth time that day, that he could just be normal. 

When Evan woke up the next morning, his palms were covered in tiny half moon bruises. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I AM SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SORRY FOR THE TERRIBLE UPDATE SCHEDULE. This school year has been really tough and I'm stage managing a show and just generally really busy, but I promise I haven't abandoned this fic. Much love to everyone for being so patient
> 
> pls comment because YA GIRL GOT A 31 ON HER ACT
> 
> ((also follow me on tumblr at my personal, @aliensinflowercrowns, OR, at my deh askblog, @ask-godly-deh))


	14. Turning Point: Part III

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> the return of everyone's favorite OC, Charity Austin
> 
> this chapter is told completely from Zoe's POV

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: Internalized homophobia, Swearing, Yelling, Suicidal(ish) ideation

Contrary to her parent’s belief, Zoe had a life outside of her brother. She had problems that had nothing to do with the resident sociopath. Zoe could be absolutely miserable all on her own. 

Zoe stared out the window of her social studies classroom. Zoe sat in the back of the class. She tried to blend in at school for the most part. She said it was because of Connor, but maybe Zoe just wasn’t good at talking to people. She didn’t like being seen. 

Zoe had already called too much attention to herself. She’d been late to school that morning because Connor and her parents had a fight over getting him to school (ultimately he just stayed home). Zoe had way too many tardies already. She was on the brink of getting lunch detention. That would be so embarrassing. 

She looked down, trying to focus on her notes. The teacher was talking about the Revolutionary War, again. It felt like that was all anyone ever talked about in history. It was either Mesopotamia, Ancient Greece, Rome, or Egypt, The Revolutionary War, or World War Two. Zoe was frankly sick of it. 

She found her eyes drawn back to the open blinds. There were pine trees all over the school campus. Evan would like those. Zoe imagined herself floating out of her body and into the pine trees, or maybe becoming a pine tree. She imagined herself as a single pine needle, floating in the wind, up up up into the atmosphere until she was so far away that the earth was just a tiny green and blue dot. She wished she could float out of her body, leave someone else to deal with her life. Leave someone else to handle her family, handle Connor, handle everything else. Zoe was so tired that no amount of sleep could save her. Exhaustion seeped into her bones. 

She stopped trying to take notes and just doodled stars and squiggles all over her paper. She would figure out what they were supposed to learn later. 

The bell rang. Zoe gathered her things and left class with her head down, walking briskly to the hallway. 

“Zoe!” 

Crap. 

“Zoe!” 

She kept walking, trying to ignore both the other person and the fluttering feeling in her chest. 

“ _ Zoe! _ ” A warm hand grabbed her shoulder, stopping her in her tracks. Zoe whirled around, an uneasy smile on her face. 

“Hey, Charity…” She said. She looked at her best friend, who was dressed in a layered blue top with white jeans. She’d recently gotten her delicate blonde hair cut into a flippy bob. She was wearing makeup. She looked so good, so grown up, just so much more than Zoe with her tee-shirt and shorts. 

Charity crossed her arms. “What the fuck, Zoe? Why have you been avoiding me?”

Zoe looked at her shoes. “I don’t think the preacher’s daughter is supposed to swear…” She said. 

“Oh my god.” Charity rolled her eyes. “And now you’re avoiding the question! What is with you?”

“Nothing is with me!” Zoe insisted. She shifted her weight. “We should get out of here. We’re holding up hallway traffic.” 

The two of them walked outside onto the field. 

“Seriously, Zoe. Linsday already betrayed me, don’t tell me you are too!” 

Zoe rolled her eyes. Apparently Charity and Lindsay had a fight over the summer while Zoe was out of town, and when she came back her two best friend hated each other, and forced her to choose a side. Zoe was seriously questioning her choice.

“I’m not betraying you!” She insisted.

“Then what is it? Why are you so moody and anti-social and quiet.” Charity crinkled her nose. “You’re acting like Connor.” She gasped. “Oh god, is it something with Connor? Did he do something? Did your parents split up? Did Connor kill your mom?” 

Zoe giggled despite herself and swatted at her friend. “No he didn’t kill my mom!” She said. Connor killing Zoe’s mother had been an - albeit morbid - inside joke between the two of them for a while now. Zoe couldn’t really remember how it had started. She knew she had been sad and scared after one of Connor’s outbursts, and Charity had made her laugh by suggesting increasingly outrageous things he could do. 

“Okay, so then what is it?”

“It’s…”

It’s that I’m in love with you.

“My parents have just been fighting a lot lately, and Connor’s been even more withdrawn, if that’s possible, and I can’t figure out if I’m going crazy or if my razors are disappearing, and speaking of razors I hate shaving my legs I can’t do it right but everyone else shaves theirs and so if I don’t I’ll feel like a troll especially because my hair is gross and brown and…” She sighed, blinking back stupid tears that had formed in her eyes. “Wow. I guess that is a lot.” 

“I’m sorry about your parents. And about your psychopath. But you shouldn’t ignore me. If anything, you should reach out to me. It’s me and Jesus, baby. We’re the ones you can always talk to.” Charity pulled her in for a side hug. “Do you want to sleep over tonight? We can make peanut butter cookies.” 

“You’re allergic to peanuts.”

“Yeah, but they’re your favorite so…”

Zoe smiled to herself, then sighed. “I can’t. My parents want to have family dinner. My dad’s even coming home early from work.” 

“Okay. Later this week then. And, Zoe? Worrying about your legs is stupid. If you don’t want to shave them just don’t shave them. You’re beautiful either way.” 

“Thanks,” Zoe said. She should’ve been happy that Charity said that, but the compliment just made her feel rotten inside. Like she was dirty, taking Charity’s perfectly innocent kindness and twisting it into something sinful.

Connor was sitting at the kitchen table with his feet up when Zoe got home, working on a Burning Ben comic, Zoe knew that was the comic he and Evan wrote together. Well, Evan wrote it and Connor illustrated, and they both figured out the story. Zoe wasn’t allowed to read it, She tried once and Connor had screamed at her and threw a shoe at her. Still, sometimes she snuck into his room to look at them, and Evan let her borrow a finished copy once. She wasn’t sure why she was so curious what was going on in her brother's life, but she was. 

“Where’s mom?” Zoe asked. 

“Out,” Connor said, pausing his drawing and pulling down the sleeves of his hoodie. 

“Out where?”

“How should I know?”

“Because you were here all day?” 

Connor rolled his eyes. Zoe sighed and reached into her backpack. “Evan got all of your homework. He gave it to me.” Evan would usually just come and give Connor his homework, but their parents weren’t letting Connor see friends on days where he didn’t go to school. At least, that was their strategy this week. Zoe doubted it would last long. She dropped the homework on the kitchen table. He didn’t acknowledge it. 

“You’re welcome!” She called as she walked up the stairs. 

Zoe walked into her room, dumping her backpack on the bed. She was so glad it was Friday. She grabbed the acoustic guitar that was propped up against the wall and started strumming some chords. She had started playing guitar a few years ago, but hadn’t gotten serious until the beginning of this year. She was playing in the junior jazz band. She didn’t really like jazz band music, but she loved the class, even if it meant she had to stay at school late a few times a week. 

Zoe’s mom got home, and Connor stomped up the stairs, screaming for her to “SHUT THE FUCK UP!” on his way to his room. Zoe ignored him. 

Twenty minutes later he burst in and demanded she stop playing. 

“I have to practice, Connor!” Zoe said. 

“Is that what that is? It sounds like you’re torturing baby animals!” 

“Why do you hate me?”

“Because you’re a fucking bitch!” 

“Get out!”

“Shut up!” 

“Fine! Just… just leave!” 

Connor glared and slammed the door behind him. Zoe propped up the guitar and wiped at her misty eyes. She grabbed a magazine off her nightstand, and started flipping through it, resisting the urge to scream at Connor for blaring his obnoxious rock music. 

“KIDS!” Their mother screeched. “DINNER!” 

Dinner was a mess. 

“Why didn’t you go to school today, Connor?”

“Why are you failing so many classes, Connor?”

“Why do you have to paint your nails, Connor?

“Get a haircut, Connor.”

“Respect your mother, Connor.”

Connor, Connor, Connor. 

Screaming, screaming, screaming. 

Zoe sat up and scurried back to her room without finishing her food. She sat on her bed, tears streaming down her face, wishing that her mother or her brother would come in and hold her and apologize and tell her everything would be alright. But no one did. 

Eventually, Connor came upstairs. She heard his door slam. Her parents fought for a little longer, and then everything was all too quiet. Everyone in the house would forget about tonight’s blowout. In the morning they’d pretend everything was fine. They would have all the same fights, over and over again. 

Zoe imagined that she was a balloon, leaving her body, flying out her window, drifting through the clouds and through the sky until she started to deflate, and fell into the inky darkness of oblivion. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> charity austin redemption arc 
> 
> new chapter of show me where it hurts coming soon (for those of you that don't know that's my other in progress DEH fic. you should go read it, and check out the entire series it belongs to as well.... plug plug plug etc)
> 
> pls comment because scientists predict that 86% of species are undiscovered (don't ask me how we know about them if they're undiscovered, i simply report the facts)
> 
> ((also follow me on my personal tumblr, @aliensinflowercrowns, and my deh askblog, @ask-godly-deh))


	15. The Oppressive Weight Of The Universe

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> in which i just will not let these kids have a break.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: Self harm, homophobia, internalized homophobia, self hatred, religion

**AGE FOURTEEN**   
  


“S-Stop squirming…” Evan mumbled. Connor sighed, forcing his hand to go limp. Evan stuck his tongue out between his lips, causing Connor’s heart to beat rapidly. Evan added one last careful brushstroke. 

“Th-There,” He said, releasing Connor’s hand and capping the nail polish. Connor looked down at his nails. They reminded him of black gleaming pearls. Evan had shaky hands, so he’d gotten polish all over the sides of Connor’s fingers, but Connor didn’t mind. 

Connor’s lips quirked into a small, quick smile. “Thanks, Ev.”

Evan smiled shakily. He stood up off the floor, wiping his hands on his khakis. 

“I, um, I g-got th-the um, the new i-issue of Burning B-Ben finished,” He said, grabbing the small book off of his desk. 

“Cool,” Connor said. “I’ll laminate it later.” Evan nodded. 

Connor’s phone buzzed. He glanced down at it. His mom. Again. 

Evan looked uncomfortable. “A-Are you g-gonna -”

“No.”

“C-Connor…”

Connor scowled. “ _ What _ , Evan?” He snapped. 

Evan picked at his fingers, avoiding Connor’s eyes. “I j-just… I h-hate when y-you’re p-parents worry… wh-why d-don’t you t-tell them y-you’re at my h-house?” 

Connor hadn’t come home from school, walking with Evan instead. It was now dipping into the late evening, and his parents had been calling him with increasing frequency. 

“Because fuck them, that’s why,” Connor said. “They’re just pretending like they care.” Connor’s arms and face burned. 

“C-Connor -”

“Fucking drop it, Evan!” 

Evan went silent. 

“If you want me to leave, just say so.” 

“C-Connor I d-don’t want you t-to leave. I’m, I, I’m j-just…”

“Just?”

“W-Worried? About you?” 

“Oh my god. Has Klienman finally got into your head? You think I’m going to go all fucking Columbine on everyone?”

“No -”

“Or maybe you just think I’m so fucking unstable I’m going to kill myself!” 

“Connor I don’t -”

“Or maybe, you’re just fucking scared of me! Like everyone else! You just want me the fuck out of your life just like Zoe and just like my parents!” 

Evan was clearly holding back tears. His voice was strangled. “C-Connor I’m s-sorry…”

“Whatever, Hansen.” Connor grabbed his messenger bag and the comic, smudging his nail polish. He stalked out of Evan’s room, slamming the door behind him and ignoring the other boy’s protests. Connor stomped down the stairs and out of the door. He walked down Evan’s street, familiar as his own, turning his brain off and letting his feet do their own thing. He was four blocks out by the time the ridiculousness of what had just happened hit him. 

Connor groaned and sat down on the sidewalk, his feet in the gutter. He buried his head in his hands. His hair was getting shaggy. He wondered if he should grow it out. 

He felt like an idiot. Lately he and Evan had been fighting a lot. They’d probably had more arguments in the past two months than in the previous seven years of friendship. And they weren’t even really arguments. They were just Connor flipping out and screaming at Evan until he left in a huff or made Evan cry. 

Connor felt like a monster. He had always been bad, but he was getting worse. It was like he was an observer to his own life, watching himself descent into madness and not being able to do anything about it. 

He and Evan never talked about his thirteenth birthday. Connor wondered if that was why they weren’t as in synch as they used to. Probably. Evan probably wasn’t even gay. Connor had probably pressured him into it and made him uncomfortable and Evan was too scared to say no. Evan probably hated Connor. Connor wondered if that counted as sexual assault. Probably. He belonged in jail. Connor hated himself. He was a terrible person. He sure of that. Connor was a fundamentally bad person. Everyone knew it. They were all waiting for the day that he would finally pull the trigger. He wondered if anyone would even mourn him. They’d probably be happy. Connor was a twisted, rotten, evil thing. He didn’t deserve to live. He didn’t deserve to be born. He didn’t deserve Evan. Connor wished he was dead. 

He felt stupid, needle like tears prick his eyes. Connor rubbed at them furiously, determined not to cry. 

He heard a car pull up in front of him. Connor waited for it to move on, but it just stayed there, idling. 

He raised his head from his hands. It was his car. It was his mom. Wordlessly, Connor stood up and got in the passenger’s seat. 

“I thought you might be somewhere around here,” She said. 

Connor stared out the window. 

“I like your nails.”

He pulled his sleeves over his hands. 

“Your hair is getting a little long. We should get it trimmed soon.”

His mother stopped at a red light. She sighed. 

“You know you could’ve just asked us. We would’ve let you stay at Evan’s.”

Connor breathed in. “I know,” He said. 

“So why didn’t you?”

Connor looked at her. He’d always thought of his mother as beautiful. She was perfectly polished, the model of a housewife. She belonged on the cover of  _ Suburbia Today _ . Connor had always thought he was the only thing that messed up the perfect family image, but in that moment, she just looked so old. Her hair had streaks of gray, she wasn’t wearing makeup, there were bags under her eyes. Her shoulders sagged and she clutched the steering wheel far too tightly. 

Connor had no idea how to respond. 

_ Because I felt like you would say no? _

_ Because I don’t care? _

_ Because I feel like you don’t care? _

_ Because the only time you ever pay attention to me is when I’m in trouble? _

_ Because I wanted to see if you would notice? _

“I dunno,” He mumbled. His mom sighed again. 

“Why were you on the pavement?” 

Connor shrugged.

“Did you guys get into a fight?”

“No.”

“Well… that’s good.” 

She pulled up in front of the house. Connor opened the car door. 

“Connor?”

He paused.

“You… you know I love you, right? I would be devastated if anything ever happened to you.” 

Connor sighed. “I know mom.”

He walked into the house. Zoe was sitting at the kitchen table, with her head laying on her folded arms. She looked up when the door opened. 

“You’re back,” She said. 

Connor glared. “Yeah. Not dead yet. Sorry to disappoint.”

Zoe stared at him for a long time, before getting up and running upstairs. 

Connor’s dad walked in from the living room, looking disheveled and holding his phone. He saw Connor, and something flashed across his face, but it was quickly replaced with anger. 

“Where the hell were you!?” 

“I was at Evan’s.”

“Why didn’t you tell us!?”   
“Why are you making a big deal of it? I didn’t fucking die or anything!”

“Language, Connor!”

“Oh, fuck you!” 

Connor’s mom came into the house. “Boys, please -”

“He needs to learn some respect, Cynthia!”

“Oh eat shit!” 

“Connor!” 

“Fuck you!” 

Connor ran upstairs to his room, slamming the door. He collapsed on his bed, not even attempting to hold back the tears. 

 

***

 

Connor walked up to Evan’s locker and shoved a drawing into his hand. It was Evan, hanging from the limb of a beautiful oak tree. The words “I’m sorry I’m an idiot” were scrawled across the bottom right corner. 

Connor stared at his shoes. “I’m a major fuck up,” He said. “I don’t… I honestly don’t even know why I yelled.”

Evan stared at the drawing, his heart beating a million miles a minute. He smiled softly. “It’s okay,” He said, trying to act like he hadn’t cried for two hours after Connor left. Connor was trying, and that was what was important. 

Connor smiled. Evan loved Connor’s smile. It was so… subtle, and soft, and real. It was private. Whenever Connor gave him one, it felt like a treasured secret. Like Connor was showing the rawest part of his soul. Connor was fire, blazing and destructive if you used it wrong, but if you knew how to handle it, he was warm and giving and merry and beautiful. Evan was infatuated. 

The bell rang. 

Connor’s eyes shifted mischievously. 

“You wanna ditch class?” 

Evan rolled his eyes. 

“I h-have to g-go to class, C-Connor.”

Connor smirked and affectionately bumped Evan. “Okay, nerd.” 

Evan walked into his first period class, Honor’s Math, and sat down in his usual seat, next to Jared. He smoothed out the drawing that Connor had given him, dipping into his backpack to get out a folder to keep it in. 

“Whoa!” Jared said, grabbing it off of his desk. “Is this a gift from your boyfriend.”

“He’s n-not my b-boyfriend, J-Jared.” 

“‘I’m sorry I’m an idiot’... aww, did you two get into a lover’s quarrel?” 

Evan bit down hard on his lip. “Sh-shut the hell up, Jared.”

Jared laughed uncomfortably. “Wow, Evan, no need to bring out the swear words,” He teased. “It was just a joke.” 

Evan snatched the paper back, gingerly placing it in his binder. 

“Yeah, well, it wasn’t funny.” 

 

***

 

Zoe grabbed her guitar, securing it into its case. She lifted the heavy case, shuffling it out of her room and down the stairs. 

“Mom!” She called. “Dad!” 

“What is it, love?” Her mom asked from the kitchen. 

“Charity will be here in like ten minutes. Are you guys coming to the concert?” 

Her mom smiled. “Of course we are, love.”

Charity had convinced Zoe to get involved with the church band. She said that they needed “more hip musical prodigies” and less “stuffy old ladies.” Charity played piano and both of them sang in the choir. They had their first performance tonight. It was intended to get the youth more interested in church activities. Everyone was very proud of them. Everyone except for, well, 

“Connor!” Dad called loudly. “Connor! Get down here!” 

There was no answer from upstairs. Zoe’s dad sighed and shook his head. He clasped his hand on Zoe’s shoulder. 

“I’m really proud of you, kiddo. You’re really going above and beyond with your dedication to the church and the gospel.”

Zoe swallowed. “Yeah,” She said. Her stomach twisted. She felt like an imposter. Sometimes she could forget why she was really there, how she was lying to everyone all the time, but when people put her on the spot and talked about her “exemplary devotion” she felt like she was going to throw up. Everyone at church had always been so kind and trusting to her, and she’d just taken advantage of and manipulated them. 

“Dad I -”

“Yeah, Zo?”

“I’m just… that really means a lot.”

Her dad smiled, ruffling her hair. He looked up towards the stairs and frowned, then walked away to try and drag Connor out of his room. 

Zoe couldn’t care less if Connor came or not. She knew he wouldn’t want to. He barely came to church. He told their parents he thought that the whole thing was bullshit. Sometimes Zoe thought he knew that she was lying about everything. Knew that she was… the way she was. But that was impossible. Connor didn’t care enough about Zoe to notice things like that. 

The doorbell rang. 

“I’ll get it!” Zoe said, trying to muster enthusiasm. She really did love performing. She really was excited. She was. 

She ran to the door, opening it up. Charity’s smiling face stood on the stoop. She was dressed in a black and gold dress, with fancy eye shadow and braid plaited into her hair. 

“You look so pretty!” She said, pulling Zoe in for a hug. She smelled like perfume. 

“Thanks!” Zoe said, trying to sound genuine. She wondered if Charity would still hug her if she knew what Zoe was. 

“Are you ready to go? Mom, Dad, and Hunter are in the car.” 

Zoe nodded. “Let me just grab my guitar.” She ducked back in the house. In the kitchen, Connor and her dad were yelling. 

“I’m not going to go pretend to be a part of your Jesus loving fucking nuclear family, Larry!” Connor was yelling.

“This isn’t about me or the church, Connor, this is about supporting your sister!”

“She doesn’t even fucking want me there!” Connor said. He turned to Zoe and spat with venom in his voice. “Do you?” 

Zoe stared at him like a deer in the headlights. 

_ Yes. Yes I want you to come. Even more, I want to not go at all. I want to just play you all the songs, only you. I want to talk to you about Charity’s dress and her perfume and I want to sleep in your room and I want you to braid my hair and wipe my tears and tell me that everything is going to be okay and that you love me. Please, Connor, that’s all I want. _

“Do whatever you want, Connor, I have to go.”

“See!” 

Zoe grabbed her guitar, trying to block out the rest of the fight. She slid into the car with Charity. 

“Hey, Zoe,” Hunter said from the seat next to her. 

“Hey, Hunter.”

“You look  _ real _ pretty tonight.”

Zoe swallowed, not saying anything. 

Later, she watched out as the patrons of the church applauded her. She listened to the pastors and preachers congratulate her. She accepted the flowers from her parents. She let Hunter put his arm around her. She closed her eyes in prayer. 

That night, she scratched at her arms, trying to find what was making her skin crawl so much. Salty tears shed down her cheeks as she silently ripped pages out of her bible, cursing God for refusing to let her rest, to let her be normal, for forcing all of this hurt onto her. 

Connor and her dad fought again when they got home. Zoe didn’t know what she did to deserve this. She was sad. She was hurt. She was numb. But most of all, overwhelmingly, she was angry. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ummmm.... it only gets worse from here?????? the kids are not okay (TM)
> 
> pls comment because cats cannot taste sweetness
> 
> ((also follow me on tumblr @aliensinflowercrowns for my personal and @ask-godly-deh for my dear evan hansen askblog)


	16. But I Don't Want It

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> the deh kids and the chamber of compulsory heterosexuality.........

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: HELLA internalized homophobia

AGE FIFTEEN

 

Connor stared at the canvas tacked up on his wall. The art teacher had let him take it home because he didn’t want to ask his parents. If he asked them to buy him art supplies it would lead to a conversation, which Connor had been trying to avoid lately. 

He added a few more quick brush strokes. Purple, then some dark blue, and then some dark green for the trees. And at the center of it all was Evan. It was always Evan. Connor had decided he was going to tell him tonight. He was going to give him the painting and ask him out on a date-date. 

Granted, Connor had made this decision while he was high, but he wasn’t going to back down. He was tired of dancing around his feelings for Evan. It was pulling them apart, and Connor could stand that. Evan had been his best friend forever. Even if the kiss two years ago was some hormone filled fluke, getting all of his feelings out in the open would make their friendship stronger. 

Right? 

It modelled after a picture Connor had taken last summer when Larry dragged him and Evan out on camping trip. Evan was sitting under a sycamore tree by a lake, searching for four leaf clovers.

“D-Do y-you remember wh-when you, m-me, and Zoe u-used to look for f-four leaf c-clovers at th-that old o-orchard?” He had said. 

“Ugh,” Connor had groaned from a few feet away. He was in a bad mood and refusing to take part in the nostalgia. “Don’t remind me. That was before she turned into a bitch.”

“Sh-She’s not a b-bitch, C-Connor.”

Connor rolled his eyes. “You know that’s hopeless, right?” Connor asked. 

Evan sighed. “Y-Yeah,” He said, stopping and sitting in the clovers. “I g-guess it is.” He stared up at the sky, probably finding a million shapes and constellations and reasons why life was beautiful when all Connor could see were balls of gas and the insignificance of his own existence. 

Still, Evan was breathtaking. Connor pulled out his phone camera and snapped a picture, but it came out grainy, dark, and completely devoid of emotion. When he painted the scene he tried to put all of the love and awe he felt into it. 

He added a few finishing touches before forcing himself away to let it dry. 

A knock came at the door. From the softness, Connor figured it was Cynthia. 

Connor opened the door.

“What do you want?” 

His mother sighed. “The school called again…”

“Oh my god.”

“They said that you didn’t show up to any of your classes today.”

“This shouldn’t surprise you anymore, mom.” 

“I just… I thought you were working on getting better.”

“Seriously?”

“What is it baby, is it the other kids? Are they bullying you again?”

“No one is bullying me!”

“Then what’s wrong! Why aren’t you going to school?!” 

“Nothing’s wrong! There’s nothing you can fix! It’s just me! I’m not going to school because I don’t fucking want to!” 

“Connor -”

“Oh my god, just leave me  _ alone _ -”

“Connor!” His father stalked up the stairs, joining the mix. “Don’t speak to your mother that way!”

“Jesus fucking Christ!” 

“Language!” 

“Connor, please, we just want to take,” His mother pushed the door open. “You aren’t in trouble -”

“Are you kidding me, Cynthia? Of course he’s in trouble! He skipped school, again!” His dad looked around the room. “Have you been painting on the damned walls again? Connor why don’t you just ask for fucking canvas - and why does it smell like weed in here?!”

“Why do you think!”

His mother gasped. “Drugs? Really, Connor? You… you’re just a kid… my baby boy…”

She reached in to hug him but Connor pushed her away. 

“Jesus, can you not run the poor sobbing mother routine for once in your fucking life,”

“LANGUAGE, CONNOR!”

“FUCK YOU, LARRY!” 

His dad tried to move farther into the room. Connor pushed him back. 

“You can’t come into my fucking room! This is my space!”

“I’ll go wherever I god damn please, it’s my house!” 

“Oh, eat shit!” 

“Connor Murphy!”

“Larry,” Cynthia said, tugging at her husband’s sleeve. 

“WHAT?!” Connor screamed. “What are you going to do! Hit me!? Do it! Fucking HIT ME, Larry!” 

“Connor!” 

“Don’t you try to be smart with me, boy -”

“BOTH OF YOU, STOP IT!” Cynthia screeched, wedging herself between them. “Look,” She whispered, pointing behind Larry. 

Zoe and her friend were standing deadly still at the top of the stairs. Connor couldn’t tell who looked more mortified, Zoe or his father. 

“Oh fuck you, you bitch,” He said to his mother. “All you care about is your god damned image.” And with that, Connor slammed the door. 

Ten minutes later, someone knocked again. 

 

***

 

“Leave me the fuck alone!” Connor yelled from the other side of the door. 

“U-Uh,” Evan stammered. “It’s, uh, um, i-it’s m-me? Y-You i-invited m-me? Me, uh, a-as in Evan. Um, s-sorry.” 

The door opened. Connor scowled from under his shaggy bangs. 

“Yeah. Right. Sorry,” He said. “Come in.” 

Evan nodded and slipped into the room. Connor slammed the door behind him. 

“O-Oh my g-god…” Evan said. “I-It s-smells t-terrible in here! L-Like… l-like the corner b-behind the school wh-where all the k-kids g-get stoned.” He gasped. “C-Connor! H-Have you b-been hanging around th-those kids a-again! A-Are y-you… h-high?”

“Oh my god,” Connor scoffed. 

“S-Seriously!” Evan said. “Y-You sh-shouldn’t d-do that t-to yourself!” 

“Evan. Shut up.”

Evan bit the inside of his lip. He hated when Connor just shut him down like that. He respected that Connor didn’t want to talk about it, but it was important. Evan was worried about him. Besides, you shouldn’t just tell your friend to shut up. Evan missed when Connor used to let him ramble for hours. 

“D-Did you g-get the new i-issue of B-Burning B-Ben colored?” Evan asked. 

Connor shrugged. “Not yet,” He said. “I’ve um… I’ve been working on something else.” 

“Oh.” Evan noticed the painting tacked up on the wall. Connor only left stuff tacked up where everyone else could see it if it was unfinished or drying. “I-Is th-this i-it?” 

Connor didn’t say anything. Evan walked closer to the painting, inspecting it. 

“I-It’s r-really g-good,” He said. He leaned in. “I-Is th-this… m-me?” 

“What?” Connor said. 

Evan looked at him. “I… um… th-the… the p-person in the painting… l-looks like me?”

“No. What? No. Of course it’s not you.”

“O-Oh.” Evan felt his stomach drop. He tried to ignore it. “Th-That’s good.”

“Yeah.” Connor paused. “Why is it good?” 

“I m-mean j-just… i-it would b-be w-weird if y-you p-painted m-me. Th-that w-would be w-weird, r-right?”

_ Please don’t say it would be weird please don’t say it would be weird pleasedon’tsayitwouldbe- _

“Yeah it would be weird.” 

They were quiet for a second. 

“Can you just… leave?” Connor asked. 

“Wh-what?”

“Just… get the fuck out.”

“C-Connor?”

“GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY ROOM, EVAN!” 

“F… F-Fine, C-Connor.”

 

***

 

Zoe pushed Charity inside her room. 

“I’m sorry,” She said. “They’re all being crazier than usual, I guess.”

Charity looked at her sweetly. “Hey. It’s alright. It’s not your fault if you family is insane.” 

“Thanks, Char.”

“Anytime, Zo.”

Charity pulled her in for a quick hug. Zoe felt her heart rate rise. 

“Besides,” Charity said, releasing her. “We’ve got other things to talk about.” 

Zoe raised an eyebrow. “Like…?”

“Like  _ Hunter _ !” 

“Your brother?”

“Yeah!” Charity nudged her. “He’s totally in love with you!” 

“R-Really?” Zoe felt like she was going to puke. She thought of all the times Hunter would swing his arm around her or give her compliments or stare at her, and the way it would make her skin crawl. 

“Oh.”

“Oh?” Charity asked. “Why isn’t that great? If you guys got married, we’d be  _ sisters _ !” 

The thought of being Charity’s sister was not something Zoe found appealing.

“No!” She said. “No way!”

“Why not?”

“Because I…. like someone else.”

Charity gasped. “Who?!”

_ You. _

“Evan.” 

“Evan!?”

“Uh… yeah?”

“Hansen?”

Zoe shrugged. 

“Your brother’s weird friend?”

“Uh…”

“But isn’t he…” Charity leaned in conspiratorially. “Jewish?” 

“What can I say,” Zoe said. “I’m a rebel…” 

Charity squealed. “I guess he is kind of cute…” She said. 

Charity opened her mouth to say something else, but they were interrupted by screaming. 

“GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY ROOM EVAN!” 

And then the slam of a door. 

And before Zoe could say anything, Charity was off the bed and out of the room. Zoe saw her whispering to Evan, and then she dragged him into Zoe’s room. 

“H-Hey… Z-Zoe?” Evan said. 

“Um, hi Evan…” Zoe said, blushing from embarrassment. 

“Well!” Charity said. “I have to go! Curfew is soon. You crazy kids have fun!” She winked at Zoe as she left the room. 

An awkward silence fell between them. 

Zoe stared at Evan. She’d known him all her life. When she first met him, she was insanely jealous because he stole her brother away from her. But now… well, he was kind. And he could be funny sometimes when he wasn’t so quiet. He annoyed her sometimes but she could just tell him to fuck off and he wouldn’t get offended. He didn’t make her feel as creeped out as Hunter or any of the other boys at school did. Why didn’t she like him? It would be so  _ so _ easy if she just liked him!

She looked harder. Maybe she could like him, if she had enough time. Maybe she could learn. Maybe she could replace her feelings toward Charity with feelings toward Evan and she could finally be right. Be normal. 

“Um,” Evan stuttered. “S-So, I-I… uh,”

Zoe stood up and walked toward him. 

“Shut up,” She snapped, trying to control her breathing. She touched his cheek lightly with her fingers.

“Wh-what a-are -”

“I said shut up!” 

_ Don’t make this harder than it has to be _ . 

She cupped his face in her hand and rose to her tippy toes like she’d seen girls do in movies. 

And then, she kissed him. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> me: drops two chapters of two different fics after being absent for like two weeks and then runs tf away
> 
> GUESS WHAT Y'ALL I SAW DEH LAST THURSDAY AND BEN PLATT WAS MOTHER FUCKING T R A N S C E N D E N T 
> 
> pls comment because red pandas and raccoons are in the same family (classification wise)
> 
> ((also follow me on tumblr @aliensinflowercrowns for my personal/musical and @ask-godly-deh for my deh greek myth au askblog))


	17. I Go And Fall Apart For You

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> what up gays this chapter is sad and short and i hate it

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: A lil bit of violence

Connor leaned against the door and sighed. 

Fuck. 

Why was Connor so… bad at everything? He wanted to tell Evan how he felt and instead just screamed at him. That was the opposite of productive! Evan probably hated him now, if he didn’t already. 

Maybe it was a good thing Connor didn’t say anything. Evan had freaked out when he thought Connor had painted him, even though Connor had sketched him a million times before. Maybe there was something inherently creepy about paintings? Probably. It was just like Connor to try and do something nice and then end up completely fucking it up and being a psychotic creeper. 

So he wouldn’t tell Evan. Fine. He still needed to apologize. As usual. Connor felt like half his life was spent apologizing. The other half was doing things he needed to apologize for. 

He took a deep breath. Evan would understand. Evan always understood. Connor would give him his new X-Men Comic Anthology because Evan usually couldn’t afford all the issues. They would be fine. 

Connor grabbed the door handle and twisted it, walking out into the hallway and the face of Zoe’s stupid friend. 

“Jesus!” Connor said, jumping a bit. 

“Oh. Um. Hi. Connor,” She said, staring at her shoes. Her entire body communicated fear. Zoe probably told her that Connor ate puppies for breakfast or something. 

He didn’t say anything, pushing past her and scanning the hallway for Evan. He heard her scoff behind him. She probably thought he was rude. Whatever. 

“Hey,” Connor said after a few seconds. 

She didn’t respond.

“Hey!” 

She whirled around. “Oh. You were talking to me. Sorry,” She blushed nervously. 

Connor rolled his eyes. “Have you seen my friend? Short. Blond. Stuttery?”

“Evan?” 

Connor glared. “Why do you know his name?” 

The girl snorted. “You don’t  _ own _ him.”

Connor crossed his arms. “No, I, I mean, I know I don’t own him it’s just that he doesn’t have a lot of other friends and -”

“In fact, I think another Murphy is staking their claim on Evan Hansen right now.”

“The fuck does that mean?” 

Zoe’s friend rolled her eyes. “He’s in Zoe’s room,” She said, turning and walking down the stairs. 

Why the hell was he in Zoe’s room? 

Connor grabbed Zoe’s doorknob, not bothering to knock, and opened her door, only to be met with his best friend and his sister sucking face. 

What the fuck?!

“ _ WHAT THE FUCK!? _ ” 

 

***

 

Zoe was kissing him. Zoe Murphy… was kissing him. Zoe Murphy the same Zoe Murphy who once put whipped cream in his hair while he was sleeping because she got dared to by her friends. Zoe Murphy, Connor Murphy’s little sister, was kissing him. 

Evan was not sure how he felt about the whole thing. 

There was no pounding in his chest or fluttering in his stomach or goosebumps on his skin. He was sweating but not in the Holy-Shit-Zoe’s-Kissing-Me-This-Is-Great Way more in the What-In-The-Entirety-Of-A-Mother-Fuck Way. 

Before he had time to process what exactly was happening, the door opened and Connor was screaming. Evan and Zoe sprang apart. 

“Connor -” Evan said. “I…” He looked at Zoe, and then looked at Connor, and then looked back at Zoe, and then he was being pushed up against a wall. 

“What the fuck, Hansen? What the fuck?!” Connor’s hand was balled and twisted into the fabric of Evan’s shirt. His arm was keeping Evan pinned against the wall. 

“Connor I -”

“I don’t want to fucking hear it!” Connor yelled. “You were… how long has this been going on?” 

“It was just today, I just kissed him today -” Zoe started to say. 

“Shut the fuck up, Zoe!” 

Connor turned back to Evan. 

“I can’t believe you,” He said. His voice was quiet and murderous. “I fucking… I  _ trusted _ you. I thought we were friends -”

Evan felt waves of steaming tears falling down his face. “We are f-friends C-Connor w-we are -” 

“Fuck you!” Connor yelled. “Fuck you, fuck you, fuck you!”

“Why are you getting so mad -”

“Shut  _ up _ , Zoe!” 

“C-Connor, p-please, you’re h-high, you aren’t th-thinking straight -”

“I’m not fucking high, Evan!” 

Connor released Evan without warning, and Evan fell to the floor. 

“Fuck you, Hansen,” He said, glaring at Evan. “You go live your perfect fucking life with my bitch of a sister. Go laugh with all the other kids about how you tricked Crazy Connor Murphy into telling you all of his secrets and feelings and bullshit. I don’t give a fuck. You’re just like every-fucking-one else.” 

“C-Connor!” Evan said through sobs. “P-Please j-just let me explain -” 

“Just leave me the fuck alone.” Connor stepped past Evan and walked into his room, slamming the door behind him. 

“Evan!” Zoe said once Connor was gone. She crouched down and put her hands on his face. “Are you okay?” 

Evan pushed her hands off of his face. “I’m f-fine.”

“God! He’s such a psychopath!”

“D-Don’t c-call him that!” 

“Evan he literally attacked you!”

“Wh-Why d-did you k-kiss me?” 

“What?”

“Wh-Why d-did you d-do that! Y-You don’t l-like me l-like that! Y-You barely ever t-talk t-to me!”

“That’s not true! I talk to you…” She sighed. “I just… I guess I… I thought…” A tear slipped down her cheek. “I don’t know. I wanted something normal. And easy. And… safe. And you just…” She looked at him, her eyes watery and scared and guarded. Evan felt a tug at his heart. Not from love but from understanding. Familiarity. She was like him. She was… scared. Alone. Different. 

Evan looked at her. She was pretty. She reminded him of Connor. They had the same soft hair and high cheekbones, and her eyes were the color of the brown spot in Connor’s eyes. 

He gently put his hands on her face and wiped the tear away from her cheek. 

“I’m… I’m sorry,” She said. “I won’t do it again, and I’m sorry that Connor yelled at you it’s all my fault and -”

Evan cut her off with a soft kiss. He didn’t hate it. He didn’t feel anything. 

“S-Something n-normal, y-yeah?” He asked, breaking away.

She smile melancholically. “Yeah. Normal.” 

 

***

 

Evan went home shortly after everything happened. His departure was awkward. Were they dating now? She wasn’t sure if he even had her phone number but he told her he would call her. And they had kissed twice. Was that how dating worked? 

Zoe walked back to her room and sat down on the bed. She felt numb. In everything she’d watched or read about kissing, she should have felt ridiculously happy. Like she was walking on air. But she barely felt anything. That wasn’t new, though. Zoe didn’t feel anything a lot. 

For a while she’d been talking to the priest about it, but he had told her that she wasn’t “connected with God” and that she should just pray about it. Now Zoe just lied in confession. She knew that was terrible, but whatever. She was going to hell anyway. 

She sighed. On the other side of the hallway, Connor was blasting loud music. Usually Zoe would go over and pound on the door telling him to shut up, but she was worried if she did he would actually kill her. 

Zoe flipped off the lights and, without changing out of her clothes, went to sleep.

“Zoe!” Her mom yelled the next morning. Zoe hadn’t slept well at all. It was one of those nights where she fell asleep and woke up a second later, but that second was actually eight hours and even though she’d gotten a perfectly reasonable amount of sleep she felt like shit. 

“ _ Zoe! _ ” 

“ _ Coming! _ ” 

Zoe threw off the covers and huffed. She heard her mom do the same screaming routine to wake up Connor, and then Connor’s harsh reply, saying that he wasn’t going. 

Whatever. He did that almost every morning. Zoe quickly got ready and then made her way down to the breakfast table. A few second later, Connor joined them. Surprise, surprise. 

He sat down, his body thudding against the chair. He glared at Zoe, his eyes boring into her.

“Good morning, everyone,” Zoe’s mom said, either oblivious to the tension or trying incredibly hard to ignore it. “How are we today?” 

Connor glared at Zoe. Zoe stared into her pancakes. Their dad was fiddling with something on his phone. 

Her mom huffed, a mix between annoyance and resignation. “Alright,” She said quietly, pouring herself another cup of coffee and sitting down across from their dad. 

They sat in a heavy, uncomfortable silence until Connor refused to get on the bus and the second screaming match of the day began. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sldkajfalkfl;dskjfal;
> 
> remember in the tags when i said connor would struggle a lot. this is it. this is that struggling. 
> 
> pls comment. just,,,,,, pls comment
> 
> ((also follow me on tumblr @aliensinflowercrowns for my personal and @ask-godly-deh for my dear evan hansen askblog, and check out my other writing! >.<))


	18. Carbon Copy Of An Old Routine

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> summaries are dumb. if you've made it this far you're going to read it either way, right? idk. 
> 
> connor is mean to some kids. zoe and evan are struggling.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: Drugs

The bus jerked to a stop with a  loud screech. Connor waited for all the kids to get out before he finally got up from his empty seat. Even though the bus was incredibly cramped, Connor had his own seat. Everyone was too afraid to sit next to him. 

Whatever. Fuck them. Connor liked being alone. 

He pulled himself up from the seat and grabbed his messenger bag, then shuffled silently towards the front of the bus, stepping off. Connor stared at the strap of his bag, threadbare and faded from years of use. It was covered in sharpie doodles and pins. One of the pins in particular stuck out. It was bright orange with a flame design and the letters  _ BB _ emblazoned on it. Two years ago Connor’s mom had gotten really in to button making, and Connor had snuck into her home office to make him and Evan Burning Ben buttons. He wondered if Evan still had his. Probably not. Evan had probably never cared about Burning Ben, he was just appeasing Connor so he could go talk about him with Zoe and her stupid friends behind his back.

Connor pulled the button off of his bag and threw it into the gutter by the sidewalk. He immediately felt bad and picked it back up, slipping it into his pocket. 

He fumbled with it in his hand, pressing the pad of his thumb into the exposed pin until he felt the skin break. Connor pulled his hand out of his pocket, surprised at the jolt of pain. He stared at the red pearl of blood on his thumb. He wasn’t used to actually feeling things when he… when he got hurt. 

Connor put his thumb in his mouth, licking off the blood. He always thought that was weird. When he was little he used to tell Zoe that if you tasted your own blood you would become a vampire and suck all the blood out of your body until you died. When she was four she cried after he told her that and his mom made him apologize. Back then Connor didn’t mind apologizing. Zoe forgave him and they went back to being best friends. 

He stared at the school for a moment before turning around and walking the other way, not making a conscious decision to skip but letting his feet take him wherever. 

He found himself walking to a park, which made sense. Parks were one of the few places someone could go for free. Connor could walk to the park and sit behind a tree and no one would bother him. People would just let him exist for once in his life. 

Connor reached into his bag and pulled out a cigarette box. He opened it up and grabbed a joint. He dug around for his lighter and proceeded to light up. 

Connor hated the smell of pot. The only thing worse was the smell of cigarettes, which Connor also had a few of. He had a few connections with some seniors and college kids, other family disappointments he’d met at church events for troubled kids his parents sent him to sometimes. 

Evan didn’t approve of him “smoking drugs,” but Evan wasn’t his friend anymore so fuck what he approved of. Connor took a few puffs until he felt his limbs go soft and his mind go fuzzy. He grabbed his phone and plugged in his earbuds, extinguishing the joint and listening to music until the sleep he didn’t get last night finally overtook him. 

Connor woke up a few hours later to someone poking him in the face. 

“What the fuck?” He grumbled, pulling out his earbuds. He was met with the chubby, stained face of some kids who had just barely weaned himself off underoos. 

“He’s not dead!” The kid shrieked. “And he said a bad word!” 

Another kid wandered over next to Kid One. 

“What the hell do you want?” Connor said, glaring. 

“Well,” Kid Two said. “It was smelly, and your eyes were closed so… we thought you might be dead.”

Connor scoffed. “Where are your parents?”

Kid One smiled proudly. “We’re here by ourselves!” He proclaimed. 

Connor rolled his eyes. 

“Our moms said we could come to the park alone if we stuck together.”

“That’s irresponsible,” Connor stated. “What are you… six?”

“Nine!” Kid Two said, offended. 

“My mistake,” Connor deadpanned. “Now would you  _ kindly _ fuck off?”

“That’s a bad word,” Kid Two informed him. 

“Jesus Christ.” 

Connor sighed.

“If you’re nine, shouldn’t you be at school?”

The kids looked at each other and giggled. 

“We weren’t  _ feeling well _ this morning…” Kid One said, a shit eating grin fixed on his face. He shared a conspiratorial look with his friend. Connor knew that look. He and Evan had shared that look, whenever they got away with something or made a joke that no one else would understand. Connor felt like he was going to throw up. 

“Well that’s great,” Connor said, shoving his shit into his bag and standing up. “Get well soon.” He started stalking off in the opposite direction, needing to be anywhere but here. 

“Wait!” Kid One said, chasing after him. “Why aren’t you at school?”

“I wasn’t feeling well either,” Connor snapped. 

“Is that why you smell bad?” Kid Two asked. 

Connor sighed. “Sure.”

“Well then, where are your parents?” Kid One asked. 

“They’re at home.” Connor’s patience was wearing thin. 

“So you’re all alone?”

“Yes.”

“That’s sad…” Kid Two said. 

“It’s not sad!” Connor said. “You’re alone.”

“I’m not alone,” Kid Two said. “I’ve got Lucas. He’s my best friend. You can’t be alone if you’re with your best friend. Do you have a best friend?”

“No,” Connor spat. 

The kids looked shocked. “How can you not have a best friend?” Kid One asked. 

“I just don’t,” Connor said. 

“But -”

“Will you little shits just leave me alone!?” 

The kids stared at him, tears forming in Kid Two’s eyes. He reminded Connor of Evan, always ready to cry at the drop of a hat. Connor couldn’t stand it. He started walking the other way again. The kids didn’t follow him this time. 

 

***

 

“Screw it,” Zoe said, turning her phone off and sticking it in her pocket with finality. “I don’t care. He’s probably off dead in a ditch somewhere.”

Evan stared at her, fear beating in his heart. “Y-You th-think s-so?” 

“No, Evan,” Zoe sighed. “He’s probably just high. Or asleep. Or ignoring me. As usual.” 

“Oh. Okay.” 

Evan stared at Zoe. It had been a month since they kissed. A month since Connor stopped talking to him. They had been hanging out a lot since then. Evan guessed they were dating now? That’s what Jared said at least. He would go places with Zoe and her friends and they treated him like her boyfriend. 

The only person who didn’t act like they were dating was Zoe. She seemed annoyed with him most of the time. Well, not annoyed. Exasperated? Disappointed? Sometimes they would have fun, when they were alone. They would have good conversations, and Zoe was actually really funny. She was good at guitar and had a pretty voice. She would show him stupid articles in magazines and they would take dumb quizzes together. And sometimes when she smiled, she reminded him of Connor. 

Still, she looked at him like she expected to see something, expected him to be more, and he never was. Whenever they were near other people, she got stiff and uncomfortable. Evan never knew what to say around her. Sometimes they would be having a good time and he would just ruin it. 

“Well,” Zoe said. “The busses left. That’s just great.” She groaned in frustration. 

“I’m sorry…” Evan mumbled.

“What are you sorry for, Evan?” She snapped. 

“I… I d-don’t… I’m…” He sighed. Sometimes when she was angry, she reminded him of Connor. 

“Can we go to your house?” She asked. 

Evan hated having Zoe at his house. His house was so small and plain compared to hers, and when she was in his room all he could think about was kissing her brother on his bed. Sometimes she would stare at him, or stare at the clothes on his floor, or the rumpled sheets on his bed, and he felt like she could see and judge every one of his secrets. 

“Yeah. S-Sure.”

“Cool. I’ll text my parents.” 

Evan nodded. Zoe pulled out her phone again and typed out the message. She clicked her phone off and started walking. Evan walked behind her. He felt like he should be next to her. He should grab her hand and kiss her and feel happy and fluttery and excited to be around her, but he wasn’t. Still, he caught up to her, because that’s what he was supposed to do. They walked side by side, and a random observing might think they were holding hands, even though they weren’t. 

 

***

 

Zoe waited for Evan to unlock his door. He fumbled with the key, dropping it. Zoe grabbed it off the ground and unlocked the door for him, walking inside the house and to his kitchen.

“Your mom left twenty bucks for pizza,” She called out. “You hungry?”

“Uh…” Evan said. 

“Cause I’m starving.”

“Y-Yeah. I g-guess I c-could eat.”

“Okay. I’ll order.”

“Th-Thank you.” 

“Don’t mention it.” 

Zoe grabbed her phone and ordered their usual: a large pizza, half plain cheese, half pepperoni and mushroom, and a two-liter of sprite. She sat down next to Evan on the other side of the couch and pulled out her homework. Evan turned on the TV and pulled Parks and Rec up on Netflix. They’d already seen this episode, but they were making their way through the show again while waiting for the next season. 

It was a routine. It wasn’t bad, it just was. It had only been a month and their relationship already felt stale. If you could even call it a relationship. 

Zoe kept staring at him, waiting to see something there. Waiting for her heart to open up and sing the praises of Evan Hansen. Waiting to not be able to keep her hands off him. She wanted to want to kiss him, but she didn’t. 

She was angry. She was angry at herself for pretending she liked Evan. She was angry at herself for having to pretend she liked Evan. She was angry at Evan for not giving her what she wanted. What did she want? She didn’t know what she wanted. 

She wanted to scream and cry and curse her parents for making her go church and curse God for making her the way she was and curse Evan for being so nice all the time and curse Connor for being so angry. She wanted to run away and start a new life. She wanted to go to Alana’s house and hold a speaker above her head and ask her out for ice cream. She wanted to disappear. She wanted to burn up so bright that everyone would have to look at her. She wanted to stop being invisible. She wanted to fade out of existence. She wanted to love Evan. She wanted to not want to love Evan. She wanted everything to be different. She wanted to say something. Anything. She was so tired of keeping everything bottled up in the bottom of her stomach. So tired of letting people pass her by like a river over a rock. She didn’t want to be a rock. She wanted to be a goddamn wall. 

The doorbell rang. Evan looked at her with expectant eyes. She had to fight the to shoot him the nastiest look possible. He didn’t deserve that. He didn’t deserve all the shit Zoe made him go through. 

She paid for the pizza, giving the delivery guy the whole twenty dollar bill and telling him to keep the change. Zoe shut the door and walked over to the couch, opening the pizza box. Evan got up and grabbed two cups for the Sprite. 

Zoe grabbed a slice of mushroom pepperoni pizza. She wanted to scream. She wanted to yell and scream until her voice gave out. She was so tired of keeping quiet. 

“H-Here you g-go,” Evan mumbled, handing her a cup. 

“Thanks,” She whispered. 

They ate their pizza in silence, just like they had the last three nights that week. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> heck here i come with a new chapter. 
> 
> pls comment
> 
> ((also follow me on tumblr @aliensinflowercrowns for my personal and @ask-godly-deh for my dear evan hansen askblog))


	19. December 14th: Connor

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> what up nerds it's been a while. this chapter is short but there's gonna be another one out tomorrow to make up for it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: Blood, Self Harm

DECEMBER 14th

 

Connor watched the blood drip down his arm, off of his fingertips, and onto the slick floor of the shower. It swirled around the drain, diluting in color as it met with more water, until it finally slipped slipped down the drain hole and into the pipes. Connor wondered how long it took for the shower water to leave the house pipes and go into the sewage. He wondered how much of his blood was running through the wall so his house at that very second.

Someone pounded on the door. “Connor!”

Zoe.

Connor clenched his fist and his jaw.

“ _Connor!_ ”

More pounding.

“Come on you’ve been in there for like an hour! I need to get ready for dinner!”

Connor turned off the water and grabbed a towel, roughly drying himself, then throwing his clothes back on.

He opened the bathroom door, his wet hair dripping onto his shoulders, and came face to face with his sister.

“Thank you!” She said, annoyed.

“Fuck you, bitch.”

Zoe stared at him for a second before walking into the bathroom and shutting the door.

“What!” Connor yelled through the door. “What were you staring at? What the fuck do you want! You’re such a fucking bitch! I fucking hate you!” He slammed his hand against the door making it rattle in its frame.

Zoe didn’t respond.

Connor tugged at his hair in frustration and then walked into his room, slamming the door loudly, because he wasn’t sure what else to do. He reached into his desk drawer and grabbed his box of cigarettes, then pulled out a joint and lit it, taking a long drag. He closed his eyes, trying to ignore the throb in his arm and the gross feeling creeping over his chest. Eventually, the pleasant numbness of being high overtook him.

A while later, someone knocked on his door.

“Fuck off, Zoe!” Connor yelled.

“Um, i-it’s, uh, i-it’s not… it’s not Zoe?”

Connor got out of his chair and walked towards the door, opening it slowly.

“What the fuck do you want, Hansen?” He asked, his voice deadly calm.

Evan shuffled on his feet. “Um, I, uh, y-you’re hair is g-getting l-longer, heh. I um, I, uh, I l-like it.”

“Jesus _Christ_ , Hansen. What the fuck do you want?!”

Evan stared at his hands. Connor couldn’t handle it. He was too beautiful. Too perfect. Connor was torn between love and hatred, between the desire to kiss him and to kill him. He scoffed and started to close the door.

“ _Wait!_ ” Evan cried out, wedging his foot in the door.

Connor opened it again and stared at him expectantly.

“Well?”

“Wh-why… wh-why are y-you mad a-at me?” Evan asked.

Connor had to fight the urge to slam the door in his face.

“I’m not mad at you,” He said.

“Y-You h-haven’t t-talked to m-me in m-months.”

“You’re fucking my sister.”

“I-I’m not f -”

“And I generally don’t associate with people who are fucking my sister. Or even friends with my sister. You know this, or, at least, you used to, and you’ve made your choice of sibling very fucking clear so…” Connor started to close the door again.

“N-No!” Evan said. “C-Connor, I n-never… I n-never w-wanted… I… I…”

Connor stepped towards Evan. He towered over him now. Connor had lost all of his baby fat, he was all sharp angles and jagged edges, while Evan had stayed the soft, chubby cherub he’d been when they’d first met.

“You what, Evan?” Connor asked.

“I…”

“Say it.”

“I,” Evan’s voice broke. “I can’t,” He whispered.

“You’re a fucking coward, Evan Hansen.”

“KIDS!” Cynthia called from down stairs. “DINNER!”

Evan turned quickly, mumbling something inaudible, and shuffled down the stairs. Connor followed him. When the reached the first floor, Zoe got up from the table and walked over to Evan.

“Where did you go?” She asked.

“Oh, um, I just…” He shrugged, staring at his shoes.

Zoe nodded awkwardly and the two of them shuffled over to the dining table, sitting down. Connor stared at them. His lying ex-best friend. His snake of a sister determined to steal every good thing away from him. His parents, who were either completely oblivious or so uncomfortable with anything that didn’t fit their cookie cutter idea of normal that they ignored all the obvious signs that Evan and Zoe’s “relationship” was nothing more than them awkwardly fumbling around each other.

“Connor?” Cynthia asked. “Are you going to join us?”

Connor stared at her for a second before heading for the door.

“Connor!” Larry called. “Don’t disrespect your mother like that! Come back here and sit down!”

Connor walked out into the brisk night air, slamming the door behind him in response.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I couldn't not update on Ben's last day as Evan. I've been a fucking emotional wreck all day. But, on the bright side, I can't wait to see what Noah does with the character. Once again, sorry about the radio silence. I've been super busy and also sucked into the rabbit hole of watching shameless on netflix. :/
> 
> pls comment we can have a ben-platt-is-leaving-life-has-no-meaning support group
> 
> ((also follow me on tumblr @aliensinflowercrowns for my personal and @ask-godly-deh for my dear evan hansen askblog))


	20. March 7th: Zoe

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> three am is the perfect time to update your fanfic, right?
> 
> there were a lot more condoms in this chapter than originally intended.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: Internalized homophobia, religion, very minor mentions of sex, anxiety attacks

“Zoe! Connor! Let’s go!” 

Zoe stared at the ceiling. It was covered with multicolored stars that she’d gotten from Walmart after falling in love with the ones Evan had on his. 

Evan. 

Zoe sighed. 

She had to break up with him. Zoe didn’t care if she wasn’t happy in the relationship, but she knew that Evan wasn’t happy either. Zoe was drowning. She was isolating and lashing out and Evan hated her and Charity hated her and Connor hated her but fuck him he didn’t matter.

“Zoe! Connor! Church! C’mon!” 

Zoe’s mom walked through the hall, knocking on their doors. 

“I’m not going,” Zoe heard Connor say. There was a hushed conversation between her mother and her brother which ended with a “FUCK OFF BITCH I SAID I DIDN’T WANT TO GO!” And a door slam. 

Zoe heard a loud sigh from her mother, and then a slight knock at her door. 

“Hey, Zug-Bug. You decent?” Her mom hadn’t called her that in a long time. No one had. 

Zoe laughed without mirth. “Yeah. Come in.” 

Her mother walked in, gently sitting down on the bed, causing the springs to creak. 

“Hey. You almost ready?” 

“Um… yeah… I…”

“What is it, sweetheart?”

“I don’t think I’m up for church today?” 

“What?”

“I don’t… I don’t want to make your life difficult I just…”

“Is it Evan?”

“What?”

“Are you going to see Evan?” 

How the fuck did she know?

“... Yeah?”

Her mom sighed. “I guess this was bound to happen sooner or later,” She said, patting Zoe on the knee and getting up from the bed. 

“Mom what are you… where are you…”

“Here,” Her mom re-entered the room, handing Zoe a bunched up supermarket back. Zoe pulled out the contents. 

“ _ Condoms?! _ ” 

“I know I can’t stop you from doing anything, as much as I want to, so the best thing I can do is help you be safe. Just… don’t tell your father. And if you need any help figuring things out -”

“Nope! No! Okay! I’m stopping this conversation right here.”

“Zoe I know it’s awkward but -”

“I’m not going to have sex with Evan!” 

I’m going to break up with him.

“Oh!” Her mother sighed. “Well that’s a relief! Okay. Okay.” She smiled. “Well, um, you keep those. Just incase! But I’m not encouraging anything! You only just turned sixteen, you have  _ a lot _ of time.” She squeezed Zoe’s face. “Well. You have fun with Evan. I’ll just tell the congregation you have the flu. And I’ll tell them that Connor… well…” She laughed. “They might’ve forgotten Connor existed at all at this point!” She looked at her shoes, then looked up again, this time with a grim smile fixed on her face. She squeezed Zoe’s face once more. “See you in a few hours baby. Text if you’re going to be home late.”

“Yeah. Okay.” 

Zoe stared at the blue box in her hand. 

“Condoms,” She whispered to herself, half in disbelief and half in disgust. She groaned and flopped back down, waiting to her the car pull out of the driveway. 

After about fifteen minutes, Zoe pulled herself out of bed. She grimaced at the box and walked into the bathroom, searching for somewhere to stash them. Maybe behind her pads and tampons? She knew that Connor stole her shit sometimes (shampoo, toothpaste, nail polish, razors - she didn’t want to think about what he was shaving) so she needed them somewhere he wouldn’t dare touch. 

“What the fuck are you doing here?” 

Speak of the devil. 

Zoe awkwardly arose from her crouched position. Connor was shirtless, his longish hair a ratty mess. He clearly wasn’t expecting Zoe to be at the house. 

“Um… I didn’t want… I didn’t feel like going to church today.”

He cocked an eyebrow at her, a frown still firmly fixed on his face. 

“You’re not the only one who can rebel sometimes,” She said, an uncomfortable, halfway attempt at joking around. Connor ignored her. 

“Are those condoms?”

“No!” She sighed. “Yeah… mom… bought them for me. Ridiculous, right?” She smiled weakly. Connor’s glare turned even darker. 

“Fuck you, Zoe,” He said, low and menacing. He turned around and walked to his room, slamming the door behind him. 

Zoe sucked in a breath, and then exhaled slowly. 

“Fucking…” She muttered to herself. “Fucking psychopath.” 

Zoe walked down the street, staring at her boots, as the houses got smaller and the cars got older. She exhaled, the brisk air making her face numb. 

Evan was getting worse. She knew he was trying to hide it but… His mom was never home. His mom had never really been home in the first place, but it was taking a major toll on him. She started him on therapy and meds after he’d had four nervous breakdowns in one week. She shook her head. She knew that Evan has always been anxious, but everyone had acted like it was something he would grow out of. If anything, it was just getting worse. 

She couldn’t help feel that some of it was her fault. She wasn’t so narcissistic to think she’d caused Evan’s anxiety disorder, but the constant lies and the toxicity of their bullshit relationship couldn’t help. It was killing Zoe. She couldn’t imagine what it was doing to Evan. 

Maybe it wasn’t doing anything to him. Maybe he thought everything was great and Zoe was just an evil bitch completely leading him on. Maybe breaking up with him would make everything for him worse. Maybe Zoe was being completely selfish. 

She walked up his driveway and knocked on the white metal and wood door. He opened it, a surprise and confusion written across his face. 

“H-Hey… I th-thought you h-had -”

“I skipped it. Can I come in?”

“Uh, um, y-yeah, uh, sure,” Evan opened the door wider. “Wh-what’s… wh-what’s u-up?”

“Is your mom home?”

“N-No?”

“Okay. Good.” 

“W-Why is th-that g-”

“We have to break up.” 

“What?!” 

“We… this… I can’t…” Zoe broke out into sobs. “I’m sorry.” 

“D-Did I… w-was it s-something I d-did? O-Or something I s-said? W-Was I a b-bad boyfriend? I’m s-so s-sorry… I…” Evan’s face was getting red and puffy. 

“No!” Zoe reached out to steady him. “You didn’t do anything. You’re…” She sniffled. “You’re an amazing boyfriend. It’s me. It’s my fault. I’m not… I’m just too fucked up for something like this.” 

Evan didn’t say anything. He took small, labored breaths. 

“I-I’m s-sorry.”

“Please don’t apologize.”

“I’m - Uh, um, okay.” 

They were quiet for a minute, with Evan coming down from his panic and Zoe rubbing firm, calming circles in his back. 

“C-Can you l-leave?” 

“What?” 

Evan had never kicked Zoe out of his house. He’d never kicked Connor out of his house, not that she knew of at least. Hell, he’d never even kicked Asshole Kleinman out of his house. 

“I j-just… I-I just really w-want to be alone r-right now.” 

Zoe nodded slowly, feeling like the dirtiest dirt. “Okay,” She whispered, quietly sitting up from the couch. She grabbed the door handle, biting her lip. Part of her wanted to say something. To take it all back, or to tell him the truth, or just sit on the couch and watch a movie with him without any pretenses, but she couldn’t do that. He wanted her to leave. 

She took a breath, and left. 

Zoe got to the park by Evan’s house before completely losing it. She was sad, and hurt, and angry at herself, but she was also relieved. Then she was angry at herself for being relieved. She pulled out her phone, checking the time.

She unlocked it and selected a contact. 

The phone connected. 

“Hello?” Charity whispered, almost inaudibly.

“Hey, Charity!”

“Fuck, you sound awful. Hold on.” Zoe heard shuffling, and then Charity talking at a normal volume. “Are you alright? Your mom said you had the flu.”

“Yeah. Well. No. Um… Evan and I broke up.” 

“Holy shit! Really! When? Why didn’t you tell me?” 

“It uh, it just happened?” 

“What? Did he dump you? That son of a bitch. I’ll kill him.” 

“No. I… um… I dumped him.”

“What?! Why?! I thought everything was going great.”

“Not… um…” Zoe felt bile rising in her throat. “I’m… uh… I’m gay, Char. I l-like g - I’m… I’m… yeah.”

That was the first time she’d ever said it outloud. 

There was no response from the other end. 

“Charity?” A tear slipped down Zoe’s cheek. “Charity? Please?” She made a shuddering, sobbing sound. “Char? Say something?” 

“I… I’ve got to get back to the service.” The line went dead. 

Fuck. Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck. 

Numbly, Zoe got up off of the park bench. 

Fuck fuck fuck. 

She started to walk. 

Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck. 

She turned left at Sycamore street. 

Fuck fuck. 

She turned right at Dalton. 

Fuck fuck fuck fuck. 

She walked up the stone pathway. 

Fuck.

She just needed someone. Someone to talk to. Someone who would accept her. Someone whose address she still had engrained in her mind from almost a decade ago. 

She knocked on the blue door, her heart leaping around in her throat.

Fuck fuck fuck fuck. 

A man in his forties with auburn hair and a scraggly beard opened the door. 

“Can I help you?”

Fuck. Fuck. 

“Yeah, um, is… is Alana Beck home?” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy white people murdered and enslaved and still continue to completely fuck over and oppress native americans day!!! 
> 
> comment telling me what racist holiday where you're forced to confront your homophobic family members you hate the most
> 
> ((also follow me on tumblr @aliensinflowercrowns for my personal and @ask-godly-deh fro my dear evan hansen askblog))


	21. June 3rd: Evan

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> end of may or early june.........

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: Suicide attempt, intrusive thoughts, self hatred, anxiety

Evan was a mess. That wasn’t news. He’d always been a mess. Just lately he was a… messier mess. 

He was disappointing everyone. He could tell. His mom had expected him to grow out of his anxiety years ago, and then that didn’t happen, so she filled him up with pills and sent him to a shrink. She was trying to fix him. Which made sense. He was a pathetic, defective thing. And his mother wasn’t the only one who could tell. Connor hated him. Zoe dumped him. Jared only hung out with him sometimes because his parents made him. Even the people at his park internship ignored him. 

Evan stared at his phone. 

Mom: Working late tonight. Leftover pizza in fridge. Hope you had a good day. Love u! 

He sighed. She was always working late. Or if she wasn’t working late she had a class. Or if she didn’t have a class she was covering someone’s shift. Or if she wasn’t covering someone’s shift it was Janet’s baby shower and she promised that she’d be there and she’s so sorry baby. 

Evan was spending his entire life alone. He was barely in the background. If he died, people probably wouldn’t realize it for a week because that’s how little anyone saw him. 

He trudged through the tall unkempt grass of Ellison. He loved this hike. It barely got any traffic. The only time Evan had encountered other people was when they’d gotten lost. But what no one understood was that it was actually one of the most beautiful trails in the park. 

The tall sloping hills. The far reaching trees. The raw, unkempt nature. It reminded him of Connor. 

Evan hadn’t seen Connor in months. Not since he and Zoe broke up. Evan wondered if Connor even remembered who he was. He probably just blended together with all the other people Connor hated. Evan couldn’t blame him. He’d never been a good friend to Connor anyway. Evan was always getting Connor in trouble because he was too weak to defend himself. Hell, he was too weak to ever tell Zoe that he was… that he didn’t like her like that. Evan was a spineless, useless, broken thing. It was no wonder people didn’t want to be around him. He was worthless. He was a burden. The whole world would be better off if he just wasn’t around at all. 

Evan bit his lip and sat down in the grass, hanging his head in his hands. He didn’t want to go home. He was tired of sitting in an empty house aimlessly scrolling through social media, watching everyone else live their lives through near perfect instagram snapshots. 

He stared out at the park. The untouched beauty of nature was gone, replaced by messy, ragged plants, roots that overlapped and strangled each other, and untamed trees blocking out the sun. 

Everything was so disorganized, and messy, and ruined. The everything was uglier the closer that you looked. He wondered if maybe everything would be better high up. He remembered a conversation he’d had with Zoe once. 

Connor had yelled at them for some reason or another, so they had moved from the kitchen to Zoe’s room. Evan was freaking out, but Zoe was unfettered. He asked her how she stayed so calm. 

“Every time I feel something I don’t want to feel, I just zoom out. Out of my body, out of my house, out of the town and the earth until I’m so high in the atmosphere I can’t see my problems. Nothing is a big deal if you have the right perspective.” 

That’s what Evan needed. Perspective. 

He walked over to a high reaching poplar tree. It was probably forty or fifty feet. He grabbed onto a low hanging, but sturdy, branch and lifted himself up. He and Connor used to climb trees at the old orchard his parents took them too. Evan was always a better climber than Connor, but Connor always went higher. Evan was afraid of heights. 

He climbed methodically. On branch after the other. Higher and higher until he could feel the sun beat down on his face. He turned and looked out. Nothing but sky and treetops as far as he could see. But it wasn’t beautiful. It wasn’t calming. It was just lonely. 

He remembered being on a ski trip with Connor and Zoe when he was twelve. They were on the ski lift and for the first time ever Evan became painfully aware of how easy it would be to end his life. How fragile the human body is. 

Over the years he had become painfully familiar with the call of the void. The temptation to put your head in every hot oven, to slice your wrist with every sharp knife, to jump in front of every oncoming train.

He had never been afraid of death. He imagined it as everything being quiet, and nothing hurting. He was too aware of every hair on his body, every inch of skin. How badly he wanted to slip into blissful oblivion. 

If a boy landed in a forest, and no one was around to see, did he ever really jump? 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> like this is a serious chapter but it was so hard not to make it cheesy???? like evan's perspective is hard core the most difficult to write from.
> 
> pls comment because i'm slowly falling into a spiral of executive dysfunction and quite possibly fuckign up my entire life as we speak 
> 
> ((also follow me on tumblr @aliensinflowercrowns for my personal and @ask-godly-deh for my dear evan hansen greek mythology au askblog))


	22. The Death Of A Stoner

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> get it? like the play? the death of a salesman? but a stoner cause it's connor? ... i'll see myself out.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: Suicide attempt, graphic depictions of suicide, self harm, suicidal thoughts/ideation

There is a strange sort of calm one feels when they wake up with the knowledge this will be the last time they ever do so. Connor stared at his ceiling. First day of senior year. Yay. 

He had decided already that he wasn’t going to go. The best time to get this done would be when Cynthia went out for her morning errands. Zoe would be at school, Larry would be at work, no one would be able to fuck Connor’s plans up. 

“Zoe! Connor! First day of school! Let’s go!” 

He heard her pound on Zoe’s door and then knock on his. 

“Connor?” 

Connor didn’t respond. Cynthia cracked the door open. 

“Hey, Con,” She said softly, sitting on the edge of his bed. 

“I’m not going,” Connor deadpanned. 

She sighed. “What do you mean?”

“I just… I don’t feel well.” 

“Connor -”

“I’ll go tomorrow!” 

“Connor. I don’t have time for this. You’re going to school.” She was quiet for a minute. “I love you.”

She sounded so defeated. She didn’t have time for this. She didn’t have time for him. She used to sit in his room with him and wait quietly until he came down from whatever tantrum he was throwing. Now she was just tired of him. Whatever. Tomorrow she wouldn’t have to deal with him. 

He closed his eyes. Normally he would fight harder, but he couldn’t risk anything ruining his plans. Whatever. If he had to go to school, he would go high as a kite. 

Once he was thoroughly stoned, he stared mechanically getting ready for school, his head pounding with the finality of it all. 

Breakfast passed him by. His family was having their normal altercations but all Connor could think was “I’m going to die today. I’m going to die today. I’m going to die today. I’m going to -”

“He’s definitely high.”

Zoe. She was so angry. So bitter. 

_ “I’m sorry for everything I’ve done to you. I’m sorry that I’m so angry and fucked up and I’m sorry that I’ve been a monster to you and not your brother but after today you won’t have to deal with me you’ll never have to deal with me again, _ ” He said, but it came out as “FUCK YOU!” 

“FUCK YOU TOO!” 

“Language!” 

Connor stalked away from the breakfast table, storming into his room. He stared at the book on his desk and grabbed a pack of sticky notes, scribbling out his last cry to the world. He’d never been one for notes, but there was one thing he needed to get out before he could leave in peace. 

“If Connor’s not ready in five minutes, I’m leaving without him!” 

Connor took a deep breath and looked around his room one more time. He was ready. 

 

***

 

Jared looked at Evan like he’d just asked him if he wanted in on a suicide pact. 

“What?” 

“W-Well I thought b-because w-we’re f-friends -”

“Whoa, whoa, whoa we are not friends. We’re _ family  _ friends. There’s a difference.” 

“Right yeah, f-fam -”

“Hey! Look! It’s your boyfriend!” 

“Shit! Jared p-please you k-know w-we don’t t-talk anymore c-can you just -” 

“Hey, Connor! Loving the new hair length! Very school shooter chic!” 

Fuck. Evan snuck a glance at Connor. He was still breathtaking. And angry. Very, very angry. And also probably high. 

“Jesus. It was just a joke.” 

“Yeah, no it’s funny. I’m laughing. Can’t you tell?” Connor took a step towards Jared, his voice deadly flat. 

Jared laughed uncomfortably. “You’re… you’re such a freak.” He shuffled off quickly. 

Connor turned his gaze to Evan. Evan stared at him, years of complicated feelings bubbling up in his chest. He wanted to talk to Connor. Ask him if he was okay. But all he could manage was a strangled, breathy sound. 

“Are fucking laughing at me, Hansen? You think I’m a freak? You’re the fucking freak!” 

And then, once again, Evan was on the ground. 

He shut his eyes tight, trying desperately not to think about how his ex-best friend just pushed him face first into the linoleum. 

“Oh my god Evan! Are you okay? I saw Connor push you. Fucking psychopath.” Zoe was crouched down next to him, her hand resting on his leg. 

“Yeah, I um, I’m f-fine.” He stood up and brushed fake dirt off his shirt. 

“Cool.”

Zoe stared at him. He stared at her. The awkwardness was stifling. 

“Well it was good to see you -”

“Do you want to sign my cast -”

The both laughed uncomfortably. 

“Um, sorry,” She said. “What did you say?”

“Oh! M-Me! I d-didn’t s-say anything!” 

“Uh… okay. Bye, Evan.”

“S-See you l-later… a-alligator…”

“Um. In a while… crocodile…” 

_ Dear Evan Hansen, _

_ Turns out today isn’t going to be an amazing day, or an amazing year because… because why would it be?  _

_ Oh. I know. Because there’s Connor. All my hope is pinned on Connor who hates me now and probably never wants to speak to me again. And I can’t blame him. I’m a mess.  _

_ Maybe if I talked to Connor, or to Zoe, maybe if we were friend again, maybe everything would be different. Or maybe nothing would be. I wish everything was different. I wish I was a part of something. I wish I was worth something. I wish I could be normal. I wish I could be anything other than the mess that I am.  _

_ Sincerely, _

_ Your dearest and only friend, _

_ Me.  _

“So how’d you break your arm?” 

Evan stared at him. Connor. In all of his black skinny jeans and combat boot glory. Talking to Evan. For the first time in months. 

“I, um, I fell out of a t-tree, actually.”

“You fell out of a tree.”

There was no way that Connor believed him. Still, Evan nodded. 

“That is the saddest fucking thing I’ve ever heard.” 

They were quiet for a second. There would’ve been a time when Evan laughed at that. Now he was unsure of everything. Connor spoke again. 

“No one’s signed your cast.”

“N-No, yeah, I know.” 

“Well. I’ll sign it. For old time’s sake.” 

“You don’t have to -”

“Do you have a sharpie?”

Evan pulled the sharpie his mother had given him out of his pocket. Connor grabbed his arm and signed it in big letters, filling up most of the cast. 

“Thanks,” Evan said softly, staring at it. 

“Is this yours?” Connor asked, holding up a piece of paper. “Dear Evan Hansen? I mean of course it’s yours whose else could it be -”

“Yesthat’smineandcouldyoupleasegiveittomebecauseIneeditforanassign-”

“Because there’s Connor? All my hope is pinned on Connor? Is this about me?”

“No! W-Well y-yes it’s just that I-”

“You wrote this so that you knew I would find it.”

“Wh-What?” 

“Just so you could rub it in my face one last time and watch me freak out and go tell everyone that I’m FUCKING CRAZY? RIGHT?!” 

“NoConnorpleasewhywouldIdothat?!”

“FUCK YOU EVAN!” Connor crumpled the paper and threw it at him, then stormed out of the computer lab, leaving Evan feeling more lost and hopeless than ever. 

 

***

 

“I’M HOME!” Zoe screamed, slamming the front door behind her. “CONNOR? ARE YOU HERE? I HOPE YOU WALKED HOME BECAUSE YOU WEREN’T WAITING FOR ME AFTER REHEARSAL!” 

There was no answer. Zoe rolled her eyes and muttered to herself. She stormed up the stairs, calling out to her brother. 

“Why the fuck did you push Evan today? Like can’t you leave the poor kid alone? Connor?” She knocked on his door. “Connor! Will you fucking talk to me?” 

She sighed in anger and opened the door. “Connor seriously why did you push -”

Connor was on the floor, the ceiling fan collapsed next to him, a rope tied around his neck. There were three empty pill bottles on his dresser. 

“Oh my god,” Zoe rushed over to him, grabbing his limp body. He was cold and grey and barely breathing. 

She frantically grabbed her phone, dialing 911. 

“H-Hello? My um… my… Connor… he’s… rope… neck… and pills and I can’t he doesn’t feel well and - m-my address? Oh, right. 317 West Allen Street. Okay. Thank you.” 

Zoe stared at her brother, his eyes half-lidded and fluttering. His shirt was becoming wet with her tears. Zoe hadn’t even realized she was crying. She let out a strangled sob. 

“Connor… oh my god…”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> welp connor's dead now soz. 
> 
> pls comment what you think we should put on the grave stone
> 
> ((also follow me on tumblr @aliensinflowercrowns for my personal and @ask-godly-deh for my dear evan hansen askblog))


	23. I Can Hardly Stand It

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> whoopsie doopsie guess he ain't dead. top ten anime betrayals.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: Hospitals, Talks of Suicide, Talks of Methods of Suicide, Talks of Self Harm, Self Hatred, Suicidal Ideation

Connor woke up. 

That was the first problem. 

He heard the voice of his parents talking next to him. 

That was the second. 

Maybe he was dead, and this was just hell. Less fire and brimstone, more Cynthia and Larry. His own personal perdition. 

“Oh! Larry, did you see that! His eyelids fluttered!”

“Cynthia his eyelids have been fluttering for the past sixteen hours.”

“No, there’s something different this time I can feel it -”

“Cynthia”

“I’m calling the nurse. Nurse!  _ Nurse! _ ”

Connor took a deep breath. He would have to face them soon enough. No point in putting it off. 

“Larry! Did you hear that? - Nurse! Where is the god damn nurse!?” 

Slowly and with much effort, Connor Murphy opened his eyes. 

His mother gasped. “Oh!” She rushed over, pulling him into a tight embrace. 

“Agh!” He exclaimed. “Oh fuck, oh fuck, that hurts that fucking hurts -”

“Mrs. Murphy, please!” 

Cynthia released him, frantically wiping tears off of her face. “Right, yes, sorry, sorry,” She buried her face in her hands. “I’m just so… I just… I’m so sorry baby I’m so sorry I just can’t I…”

Larry put his hands on her shoulders. “Cynthia please, you need to try to stay calm -”

“I am as calm as I can be,  _ Larry! _ ” 

The two broke into a small cacophony of throttled bickering. 

“Can you two  _ please _ shut up!” Connor shouted sitting up abruptly, then was struck with a sharp pain in his throat. “Fuck, fuck, ow -”

The nurse rushed over to him, gently pushing him back down on the bed. “Please, Mr. Murphy you have to be gentle with yourself -”

“I want them out!” Connor shouted. 

“What?”

“Get them out! Get them both the fuck out!” 

“Connor, baby, please -” Cynthia cried out. 

“They aren’t good for my emotional health can you please make them leave?!”

The nurse turned to Larry and Cynthia. “Since he’s still a minor I can’t legally force you to leave but…”

Connor’s parents went tight-lipped. The nurse continued. 

“It’s just that we want to emphasize patient comfort and -”

“No, of course,” Cynthia said, dabbing at her eyes again. “I understand.  _ We  _ understand.” She gripped her husband’s hand. “Come on, Larry.” 

The two of them left the room, awkwardly shuffling past Connor and the nurse. Behind them, sitting silent in a chair with her legs pulled up to her chest was Zoe. 

The nurse started to speak. “Miss, Mr. Murphy has requested -”

“No. It’s fine. She can stay.” 

The nurse nodded. “Alright. Just… try to be careful with yourself, Connor.” 

Connor nodded, not taking his eyes off of Zoe. The nurse quietly left the room. 

“Zoe -” Connor started, but Zoe stood up, cutting him off, and walked out as well, not looking in at her brother. 

Connor was alone in a hospital. Zoe still hated him. And he was alive.

Those were problems three, four, and five. 

 

***

 

“Evan Hansen, please come to the principal’s office.” 

Evan stared at the principal’s door. He had avoided the office his entire high school career, and now, on the third day of senior year, he was headed straight for it with no idea as to why. Which probably meant trouble. He had no idea what he could’ve done, but he didn’t doubt there was something. Maybe it had been so horrendous that his mind had blocked it out. Maybe the school figured out about his arm and they had called the big men in white uniforms to take him to the loony bin. Maybe - 

Evan took a deep breath and walked in.

“M-Mr. and M-Mrs. M-Murphy?” 

Cynthia lifted her tear stained face from her hands and got out of her chair, walking towards him and pulling him in for a tight embrace. 

“Oh, Evan!” She said. “It’s been so long!” 

“Uh, um, uh, yeah? Uh, w-what’s this about?”

“He doesn’t know!” She sounded near-hysterical. “See, Larry, I told you he didn’t know. He would’ve told us if he’d known.”

“W-What d-don’t I k-know?”

“Connor… he…” She looked at him through watery eyes. “Oh god, I c-can’t!”

Larry took a deep breath. “Connor tried to um, he tried to take his own life two days ago. He, um, failed but -”

“W-What? C-Connor… C-Connor tried to -”

“He wanted you to have this -” Larry tried to hand him a black sketchbook with his name scrawled on a sticky note attached to the cover. 

“N-No! C-Connor’s fine!” 

Cynthia chimed in. “We didn’t know that you two were still friends! We thought you’d had a falling out but -”

“W-We… we w-weren’t -”   
“Oh, god, Larry, look. His cast!” 

“C-Connor and I -”

“I’m sure he’d love for you to come visit him in the hospital. You two were always such good friends. Connor needs someone like that in his life right now.”

“N-No! C-Connor can’t b-be in the h-hospital -”

“And we’re having a small service on Sunday for when he’s released. I know you aren’t… that you’re um… but it would still mean so much to us if you came. It would mean so much to Connor.”

“To C-Connor…”

“Cynthia he’s clearly in shock, stop bombarding him.”

She laughed nervously. “Right! Of course. I’ll… I think I still have your email and I can… talk to your mother…” She hugged him again. “Call us if you need anything, Evan. Or visit! We all need to really be a family right now. For Connor.” 

“F-For…”

Larry squeezed his shoulder and pressed the book into his stomach. 

“I don’t know what he was trying to say with it. I mean… it’s just a bunch of pictures. Maybe you can figure it out.”

“Larry! They aren’t just pictures! Clearly they meant something to Connor!”

“I just don’t get it, Cynthia. He wanted his last words to be a… a fucking portfolio?”

“This is exactly what I’ve been trying to tell you! You don’t support him!”

“Support him! Who pays to keep him in school and out of jail and fed and clothed… I support him plenty!”

Their arguing turned to a dull roar drowned out by the blood rushing in Evan’s ears. Connor tried to kill himself. He was in the hospital. Connor hated him. But he left him this book? No. He didn’t leave him anything. Connor wasn’t dead. Connor was fine. He would be fine. Except he’d tried to kill himself. And if there was one thing that Evan knew about Connor, it was that when he put his mind to something rarely did he let anything get in his way. 

 

***

 

Most family bonding nights included board games, shitty movies, and popcorn. Murphy family bonding was all about baby-proofing a seventeen year old’s bedroom. 

Her dad was screwing away at the door hinges while her mom sifted through his desk and closet, occasionally asking something like: Do you think he could actually hang himself from his shoelaces? Or: What if he tried to bash his head into the walls? Should we get padded walls? No… that would be too much. Right?” 

Zoe sat cross-legged on the bed, quietly enjoying the softness of his black down comforter. It smelled like it always had - minus the weed stank - and, though she would never admit it to herself or anyone else, she felt comforted by the scent of her brother. 

“He’s never going to forgive you for this,” She said. 

“It doesn’t matter if he hates us for the rest of his life,” Her father said. “As long as the rest of his life is nice and long.” 

“Remember what the counselor said, dear,” Her mother chimed in as she overturned one of his desk drawers on to the floor. “It’s better to have a mad son than a dead son. Oh my god, it’s so grimy in here. This room needed a deep clean. Could he hurt himself with pencils?”

Zoe rolled her eyes and laid on her back, staring at the patched up ceiling. They were going to have to get the fan replaced, but for now her dad and the pastor had just put some drywall and plaster over it. 

That had been awkward. Zoe and Charity weren’t really talking, so having Charity’s dad over to help clean up her brother’s room after his attempted suicide attempt was awkward to say the least. But whatever. Zoe didn’t need Charity. She didn’t need anyone. She and Alana were talking… sort of. After a long sleepover wherein Zoe had poured her heart out to Alana (minus the embarrassing lingering crush she still harbored), Alana had been completely supportive. Of course, things were still awkward between the two of them. They didn’t have the easy, comfortable friendship that Zoe and Charity used to have. But it was okay. Zoe had some casual acquaintances at school and she could still talk to Alana. Besides. She was too busy with her family’s bullshit for a social life.

“Done,” Her dad said, grunting at the completely detached door. He picked it up, trying to avoid knocking anything over, and started on a dangerous trek down the stairs. 

“Where’s he taking that thing?”

“I can’t tell you,” Her mother replied. 

“Why the hell not?!”

“Language!” She sighed. “Because you’ll tell Connor.”

“I’m never speaking to Connor again.” 

“Zoe!”

“What?!” 

“Stop acting like a child!”

“Stop acting like a child?! He’s the one who tried to fucking kill himself! He tried to leave me! To leave all of us! Just to get one last fucking final laugh! One more fuck you to me and to you and to dad and to the whole world because nothing is ever fucking good enough for Connor! I’m sorry that I’m not fucking standing by his hospital bed, sobbing my eyes out, but I’m not just going to forgive him for all of his bullshit because he… because… because he -”

“Zoe! Please!” Her mom was crying. “Please, just… stop. Just stop, and help me put these things away. And we… we have to find clothes to take to your brother and -”

“No!” 

“Zoe!”

“No! I’m not going to fucking… just because he’s in the hospital instead of banging on my door screaming about how he’s going to kill me doesn’t mean -”

“Connor is a complicated person!” 

“No! Connor is a bad person! There’s a difference.”

Zoe stormed out of Connor’s room and into her own, his smell stifling and suffocating her. She slammed the door behind her, and then sank to the ground, letting out quick, muffled sobs and trying to make sense of the war inside her.  

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> y'all didn't actually think i was gonna kill my boy carpet macintosh did you??? 
> 
> pls comment because i brought my boy back from the dead like stoner jesus
> 
> ((also follow me on tumblr @aliensinflowercrowns for my personal and @ask-godly-deh for my dear evan hansen askblog))


	24. Connor, Interrupted

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> the continued adventures of caterpillar minecraft, effervescence handsoap, and zelda marbles

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: Mental Hospitals, Hospitals, Talks of Suicide, Anxiety Attacks, Mentions of Self Harm, Mentions of Drugs

Connor decided that while the psych ward was not the hall of nightmares horror movies would lead one to believe, it was also not some healing haven of wellness and discovery that was shown in edgy YA novels marketing mentally ill teens as the new vampires. Mostly, he was just tired of only being allowed to draw in crayons, and wearing mother fucking hospital socks. 

Connor was only an inpatient for a few days, until they could make sure that he wasn’t going to immediately drink bleach when he got home, but his family still made sure to visit him once they were allowed. His therapist recommended that they all talk to him “one at a time” so they wouldn’t “overwhelm or overstimulate him.” 

Cool. 

When Cynthia visited it was all tears and schmaltz. She fawned over him, apologizing and blubbering and treating him like broken glass. He understood why she was upset but when it was over he felt like it had drained ten years from his life. 

Larry’s visit was by far the most awkward. He just sort of stared at Connor with a mix of confusion and distress. He was probably lamenting how much money Connor’s little “stunt” was causing him. He tried to open up a meaningless conversation about sports, but that was shut down with a glare. 

And Zoe… Zoe didn’t talk at all. She just stared at him for a few minutes, and then left. She was probably just waiting until their parents wouldn’t catch her. Zoe hated him even more now. 

He tried to convince himself he didn’t care. 

The hospital was mostly boring. The food sucked, but not as bad as his mom’s vegan s’mores. His roommate was some quiet dude who didn’t ever actually say anything to Connor, but he noticed that Connor liked to draw and would silently pass him the least shitty crayons during activity time. Connor’s therapist let him use her Spotify during their sessions, and she recommended him some new music to try out. His therapist’s name was Tisha. She was probably like late 20’s, early 30’s. Aside from being a therapist, Connor thought she was pretty cool. He knew he would have to continue to see a therapist when he got out of here, and wondered if he could keep seeing her. 

Apparently not, because God just loved to fuck him in the ass. 

Luckily he didn’t have to stay here for too long. He’d already knocked out three of the five days. 

Connor was sitting idly on the floor, doodling a pomegranate tree, feeling like a five year old, when one of the nurses came and told him his “brother was here.” 

Connor cocked an eyebrow. “I don’t… have a brother?”

The nurse looked down at her clipboard. “Well, there isn’t another Connor J. Murphy age seventeen currently admitted, and your mother checked him in so…” She looked at Connor and  _ tsk _ ed. “Look, you don’t have to see him if you don’t want to -”

“No, it’s… yeah. I’ll go see… my, um, brother.” 

Connor followed the nurse to his room. She started to give the standard visitors spiel. “This interaction will be recorded, the door stays open, there will be no office personnel present in the room but if it seems things start to get violent or otherwise unsafe, nurses will be sent to deal with the situation. You have thirty minutes.”

Connor stared at the boy sitting on his bed. “My brother?”

Evan wiped his hands on his lap, avoiding Connor’s eyes. “Y-Your m-mom t-told th-them…”

“Why are you here, Hansen?” 

“Y-Your m-mom -”

Connor let out a bark of laughter. “Fucking… of course. You. My dad. Zoe. You can leave anytime you want! Don’t worry, I won’t tell her.”

“N-No! I-It’s… It’s not th-that! I didn’t… I didn’t th-think you’d w-want me here but then y-your m-mom w-was so insistent… sh-she thinks w-we’re still friends -”

“Oh wow. How terrible that must feel. To have people thinking you’re friends with the freak who tried to off himself.”

“N-No! I… I just… e-everything is c-coming out so w-wrong I…”

For the first time, Evan looked up at Connor. His face was red and his eyes were shiny. His breath hitched when he saw the ugly bruise on Connor’s neck, and the exposed scars on his arms. 

Connor crossed his arms uncomfortably, incredibly aware of the fact that he was wearing purple hospital scrubs and no shoes. His nails were flaky and chipped and his hair was a tangled mess. He felt like every scar, bruise, and mark on his body was burning under Evan’s gaze. 

“Fuck, Hansen. Take a picture. It’ll last you longer.”

Evan’s face went redder as his head dropped down. “S-Sorry. I… I, um, s-sorry.” 

Connor rolled his eyes and sat down on the floor. “You know, if you were gonna go through all the trouble of visiting me here, you could’ve at least brought drugs.”

Evan’s eyes went wide. “C-Connor! Y-You c-can’t… I c-couldn’t… th-that w-would be -”

“Jesus fucking Christ it was just a joke.” 

They sat in a heavy, congested silence. 

“Look. Can you just… leave? Please?” Connor asked. He didn’t want to deal with Evan fucking Hansen right now. 

Evan nodded quickly. “Um, y-your m-mom… invited me over for d-dinner wh-when you get back. A-And th-there’s g-gonna be a um, a ch-church s-service? On S-Sunday. J-Just s-so you’re p-prepared f-for that. Sorry.” 

Fuck. 

 

***

 

Evan knocked shakily at the Murphy’s door. This was going to be the worst night of his life. Connor hated him. Zoe hated him. He’d probably say something weird to Cynthia and Larry and they’d realize that he had been nothing but a nuisance to the Murphy kids their entire lives and then they’d kick him out but he didn’t have a ride home so he’d have to walk but he hadn’t been to the Murphy house in so long he probably wouldn’t be able to find his way home and he’d get lost in the woods and freeze to death and wolves would eat his corpse and no one would realize because no one cared and would that even be such a bad thing anyway and -

Zoe opened the door. 

Evan felt like he was going to puke. 

She looked at him, confused, before something clicked. “Oh. Yeah. Hi, Evan.”

“Um… h-hey, uh, h-hi, Zoe.” 

She moved aside so he could come in. He awkwardly shuffled into the foyer and Zoe slammed the heavy door behind him. He’d forgotten how big their house was. 

“He’s upstairs. In his room,” Zoe said. 

“Oh. O-Okay.” Evan looked towards the stairs and shuffled his weight on to the other foot. His gut twisted. 

“You weren’t friends,” Zoe said. 

“Wh-”

“I mean, you guys were friends but not since… we were,” She shook her head. “He pushed you. The day he tried to kill himself. He pushed you in the hall. You guys haven’t talked in years.”

“I -”

“So why the hell did he leave  _ you _ a suicide note.”

“I d-don’t…” Evan looked at his hands and exhaled. “I d-don’t know.” 

Crossed her arms. She seemed even angrier than when they’d been dating, which was saying something. Connor and Zoe were like fire and ice. Connor was loud and destructive and hard to ignore, he was obvious about his anger. Zoe was subtle and cold. She was bitter, and intense, and built up so many walls that it was almost impossible to have an honest conversation with her. Anytime Evan felt like he was actually seeing the real Zoe, she would shut down and cut herself off. 

“He’s in one of his moods,” She said. “Now that I’ve warned you, if he breaks your other arm you can’t sue us.”

Evan laughed weakly. It sounded more like a strangled wheeze than a laugh, really. 

Zoe looked at him for a second, with her big, searching eyes, before walking away. Evan swallowed and started his descent up the stairs. 

The first thing he noticed when he got to Connor’s room was the lack of a door. The second was that everything in the room was overturned, on the floor, or broken, and Connor was standing in the middle of it all, panting. Evan almost left, but Connor noticed him. 

“I’d say come in, but I don’t have A FUCKING DOOR!” Connor’s loud scream shook the house, causing Evan to flinch. 

“Y-Yeah… th-that… th-that um, th-that sucks.” Evan avoided Connor’s eyes. He surveyed Connor’s floor. He’d broken his desk chair, smashed his PS4, ripped up some papers, pulled out all of his desk and dresser drawers, and scattered his clothing. The only things that made it out unscathed were his books, comics, and pencils. 

“They took… all of my shit,” He shook his head in disbelief. “My weed. My cigarettes. My laptop. My pocket knife. My  _ shoelaces _ . The deadbolted the fucking window!” He slammed his hand against the glass. I fucking… I can’t… FUCK!” Connor pulled at his hair and repeatedly punched the wall. 

“GOD”

_ Bam _

“DAMN”

_ Bam _

“MOTHER”

_ Bam _

“FUCKERS”

_ Bam _

His knuckles were bloody and raw. He leaned against the wall, breathing heavily. Evan glanced down the hall, expecting someone to come up and see what all the banging and screaming was about, but there was no one. Evan realized he must’ve been doing this ever since he’d gotten home from the hospital. 

Connor shook out his hand. “Do you have any money?” 

“M-Me?”

“No, fucking Casper. Yes you.” 

Evan shook his head. 

“Figures,” Connor muttered. “Whatever. I’ll just rob a gas station. Or suck my dealer off.” Connor glanced at him. “Wipe that look off your face, Hansen. I’m joking.” He paused. “Sort of.” 

Connor exited his room, not bothering to side step the debris littering the floor. He walked into Zoe’s room, leaving the door open behind him. He pulled back her flowy curtain and opened her window. 

“Wh… Wh-Where are y-you going?” 

“Out.”

“B-But… d-dinner? Y-You’re p-parents? They’ll be s-so pissed at y-you.”

“I don’t give a shit.” Connor gestured to his room. “It’s not like they can punish me anymore than they already have.” And with that, he carefully climbed out of Zoe’s window, skidded onto the roof, and expertly jumped down, hitting ground with a quiet “oof.” 

 

***

 

Zoe sat perched at the end of her chair, waiting to flee at a moment’s notice. Evan was across from her, looking like he was either about to puke or cry. Or both. Probably both. 

Her father pushed his chair back, standing up. “That’s it,” He said. 

“Larry,” Her mother started. “Just… we’ll give him five more minutes.”

“Cynthia we’ve already given him fifteen -”

“The doctors said we need to be patient with him -”

“They also said we needed to keep an eye on him!” 

“Larry -”

“I’m not going to scream at him! I’m just going to ask - calmly and patiently - when he’s coming down to dinner.” Her dad stomped up the stairs, leaving her mom fretting and fidgeting with her napkin. They sat in silence until her dad came back down the stairs, grabbing his car keys, a mix of rage and worry on his face. 

“What is it?” Her mom asked.

“He’s not there.”

“What?”

“He’s not fucking upstairs, Cynthia!”

“Are you sure?”

“Yes I’m goddamn sure!” 

“Where could he have -”

“I don’t know!” He threw her her car keys. “I’ll take downtown, you stay around the neighborhood.” 

She nodded tightly.

“I didn’t… I didn’t want to rush him…” Her mother said, her voice quiet and empty. 

Her dad didn’t respond. He brushed past all of them and left the house, the door slamming behind him. Her mom took a deep breath before leaving as well. 

Zoe looked at Evan. His face was red. 

“You knew he was gone, didn’t you?” She said. 

“Wh-What?”

“You knew! You knew he fucking left and you didn’t tell us!” 

“I d-didn’t… h-he… h-he was s-so mad I j-just thought he w-was going to cool off!” 

“Are you kidding me?!” Zoe yelled. Tears pricked the corners of her eyes. “He could be fucking dead! Did you ever fucking think of that? Maybe he went out to fucking try and kill himself! AGAIN!”

“I… I d-didn’t… I…”

Zoe looked at him. “What are you even doing here, Evan?” 

“I’m… I’m s… I’m s-sorry.” Tears and snot streamed down his face. He turned and left the dining room. Zoe heard the door close. She stared at the plate of cold spaghetti bolognese in front of her. She felt numb. Methodically, she picked cleared, dumping the food into the trashcan and putting the plates in the dishwasher. 

A few hours later, Connor came back in the house through her window. He smelled like weed and booze. She didn’t say a word as he stumbled past her into his messy room and flopped on the bed, passing out. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ya girl got her first college rejection letter and college audition invitation in the span of 24 hours
> 
> also like i didn't really want to go in to connor's experience in the psych ward because... this isn't a fic about that and i don't really like talking about it lol. so if that whole section seems kind of vague it's because it is. 
> 
> pls comment on whether or not you care about my life and my college adventures, because i am the queen of oversharing and ya probs don't
> 
> ((also follow me on tumblr @aliensinflowercrowns for more gratuitous over sharing and @ask-godly-deh for my dear evan hansen askblog))


	25. Raise A Glass

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> in which everyone is inebriated, jared is here, and people actually talk to each other. 
> 
> also this chapter included jokes made at the expense of the catholic church so like... brace yourself for that.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: Anxiety, religion, talks of suicide, thought spirals, self harm, drugs and alcohol

One of the many, many, many,  _ many _ downsides to not having a door was the inability to keep out annoying parents trying to make you do things you did not want to do. After Connor’s “stunt” a few days ago, Zoe’s door and window got a fancy new lock that everyone but Connor had a key to, so he’d basically been trapped in his house since he’d gotten home. He hadn’t even gone back to school yet. 

So one would think he would be ecstatic at the idea of finally getting out of the house. Right? Wrong. 

“Connor please -”

“No!”

“Connor -”

“LA LA LA LA LA I’M NOT LISTENING!” Connor pulled a pillow around his ears to muffle the sound. Zoe poked her head out of the bathroom to laugh at him through a foamy toothpaste mouth. 

“Oh my god, what are you, six?”

“LA LA LA - fuck off, Zoe - LA LA LA LA”

“Connor!” his mother sighed and walked into his room, stepping over the piles of broken shit he refused to clean up, and grabbed the pillow out of his hands. “Stop! Oh my god, just… stop. Please.” 

Connor narrowed his eyes. 

“Give me back my door.”

“Connor -”

“If you aren’t going to give me back my slamming tool then I’m going to have to find other ways to be indignant.” He grabbed the pillow back from Cynthia. “LA LA LA LA LA LA LA -”

“Connor! Please! Just work with me here, for once!” She looked incredibly pained. “There are so many people who care about you and who want to see you to make sure you’re okay and if you didn’t come today it would look so -”

“That’s not my fucking fault! That’s your fault, for telling any of those assholes at church that I actually care about them! Newsflash! I fucking don’t! I don’t fucking care about any of them! I don’t care about anyone! If I actually gave a shit, why would I try to fucking kill myself!” 

His mother sucked in a breath. A tear slipped down her cheek. 

“I know that you’re just saying that to hurt me,” She said. “Because you’re upset and you want me to go away. I know that you don’t really mean that.” She wiped at her cheeks and stood up. “Congratulations, Connor. You don’t have to go. You won. When everyone gets here this afternoon to show support for you, I would really appreciate it if you at least tried to be civil.” 

She walked into the bathroom and Connor heard her talking with Zoe.

“Zoe. If you could stay here with your brother while your father and I go to church I’d really appreciate it. We’ll be back soon and then everyone else will get here around four.” 

Connor didn’t hear Zoe’s response, because he’d buried his head in his mattress, holding a pillow over himself. Maybe he’d suffocate to death, or at least pass out. 

A short amount of time later, Connor noticed Zoe standing in his doorway. 

“Why are you such an asshole to mom?”

“Are you talking to me now?” 

“You know she’s like… the one person who hasn’t given up on you? The one person who still looks at you like you hung the fucking moon. The one person who believes in you completely? Why do you have to fucking push her away? Why do you have to constantly make her feel like shit?”

“You don’t get it. You’re fucking perfect.” Connor glared. “Little Zoe Murphy, God’s perfect angel. Not a bad bone in her body. Everything is so fucking easy for you -”

“Fuck. You.” 

“Oh. Wow. Really fucking witty response, Zoe -”

“No. You don’t fucking ‘get it,’ Connor. You don’t get what it’s like to have to constantly live in your fucking shadow. To have to always apologize for you. I don’t get the fucking luxury of storming out of dinners, because somebody has to fucking sit there and clear the dishes after dad has stormed of screaming and mom is crying because you can’t fucking think of anyone but yourself. And to say that…” She sucked in a breath. “That things are  _ easy _ for me. Fuck you, Connor. Fuck. You.” 

Zoe shook her head and walked off. Connor was dumbstruck. Zoe was never one for confrontation. He felt a primal urge to run after her and defend himself, or to apologize, or to call her a bitch for making herself the victim when she clearly wasn’t, but he didn’t do any of those things. He just sat there, staring at the place his door used to be. 

 

***

 

“I cannot believe I’m here,” Jared said, crossing his arms and glaring at Evan. “First of all, this is a church service and I am… outrageously Jewish. Second of all, this is a church service for Connor fucking Murphy, who, we know for a fact, hates me. And you. Zoe also hates me. And probably hates you if what you’ve told me is true. Anyway. Third of all, this is a church service for Connor fucking Murphy that I wasn’t even invited to!”

Evan stared at his shoes. “J-Jared I already t-told y-you that y-you didn’t have to c-come -”

“No way. The awkwardness of the situation is so worth the giant fool you’re going to inevitably make of yourself.”

Evan clenched his teeth and kept his eyes trained downwards. “Okay, w-well then c-can y-you please stop c-complaining because m-my a-anxiety is already really high and I-I -”

“Oh my god stop hyperventilating.” 

“I-I’m n-not h-hyper -”

“Really because you seem to be having considerable trouble breathing. And you’re s-s-s-stuttering more than usual.”

“I’m f-fine, Jared -”

“But don’t worry because I’m sure that the Murphy’s will have some really expensive wine that you can get plastered with -”

“J-Jared -”

“It’ll get you all nice and relaxed -”

“J-Jared! -”

“Because if there’s one thing that South Park and 30 Rock have taught me about Irish Catholics, it’s that they know how to drink!” 

Jared cackled and - ignoring Evan’s protests - banged on the Murphy’s door. 

Cynthia opened it. The “service” was loud and boisterous, with Connor nowhere to be found. 

“Evan!” Cynthia said, holding a glass of red wine. “So glad you could make it! And… I’m sorry, who are you?”

Jared smirked. “Jared! Jared Kleinman? I’m a friend of Connor and Evan. The third musketeer. The Chandler to their Duke and Mac, respectively. The Chandler to their Joey and Ross. The -”

He was cut off by Evan stomping on his foot. 

Cynthia didn’t seem to notice. She just laughed. Her cheeks were flushed. “Come in boys! Come in!” She moved aside. “Refreshments are on the table, we have cookies, cupcakes, a lovely selection of wines - oh God, what am I saying, you’re children!” She giggled. “We have sparkling cider and water if you’d like.” Something caugher her eyes. “Linda? Is, is that you! Oh my god, it’s been so long!” 

Once Cynthia had drifted away, Jared turned to Evan and winked. “I’m gonna go find some Catholic wine mom looking to absolve a little guilt.” He winked suggestively, then sauntered off. And Evan was alone. 

He didn’t even wonder upstairs consciously, he just needed to get out of the thick of the party. He needed to breathe. He needed air. He needed… something. 

Whatever he was looking for, he found himself face to face with a very dazed Connor Murphy laying upside down on his bed. 

“Hey, Evan,” Connor said, his voice soft. 

“H-Hi… Connor...” Evan said. 

“What are you doing here?”

“I-I’m h-here for the p-party?” Evan tentatively stepped in to Connor’s room. 

Connor laughed. “Oh. Yeah. That. They throw a huge party for me surviving my suicide attempt and no one even comes to check if I’m alive. Kinda fucked up, huh?”

“Yeah.” Evan sat down on the bed. “C-Connor, no offense, b-but… are you h-high?”

“High on life.”

Evan raised his eyebrows. 

“I took some Xanax.” 

“Sh-Shit C-Connor -”

“Shhhhh,” Connor held his hand up. “It was only like… three mils. Maybe four. To calm me down.”

“Where d-did you e-even get X-Xanax?”

“Stole it from my mom. Turns out the doctor prescribed her some for her nerves. Wonder what’s making her nervous.” He smirked. 

Evan let out a soft laugh, half shocked, half amused. Connor smiled. 

“Why are you here, Evan?” 

Evan’s stomach dropped. That was the same thing Zoe had asked him earlier this week. 

Why are you here, Evan?

Why are you in this room? Why are you in this house? Why are you talking to these people? Clearly they don’t want to talk to you. Why are you going to school? You won’t do anything with your life. Why are you alive? Why didn’t you just die when you “fell” out of that tree? Why did you stick around, Evan? No one wanted to you to. No one wants you here, so why? Why are you here, Evan? Why are you here, Evan? Why are you here, Evan? Why are you here, Evan? 

Why are you here, Evan?

“I… I d-don’t know,” Evan whispered. “Y-Your m-mom invited m-me?”

“Oh.”

“Wh-what?”

“I just…” Connor flipped himself over so his head was in Evan’s lap. Evan’s heart rate increased tenfold. “I thought maybe you liked me again.”

“C-Connor… I n-never s-stopped liking you.”

“That’s not true. You like my sister now. That’s why you fucked her.”

Evan choked on his tongue. “I d-didn’t… I n-never… Z-Zoe and I n-never -”

“Everyone likes Zoe. Except for me. Because there’s something wrong with me.”

“Th-There’s n-nothing w-wrong w-with -”

“Yes there is. There’s something twisted up and broken inside me. And whenever I want to get help or talk to people or be close to them I just ruin it for myself. Like with you. And with Zoe. And with my mom.”

Evan bit his lip. “Y-You d-didn’t ruin a-anything w-with m-me, C-Connor.”

Connor looked up at him. “You’re a really bad liar, you know that, Evan?” 

Evan avoided Connor’s eyes. 

Connor looked down. “Can I show you something?” He asked. 

“Uh… s-sure?”

Connor sat up and pulled off his jacket. He looked down and turned over his arms, so that Evan could see their tender undersides covered in scars and scratches, with fresh, open wounds and barely dried blood. 

Evan breathed deeply. He’d seen Connor’s scars at the hospital, but these were so fresh and so raw, and there was something so heartbreakingly intimate about Connor showing them to him. 

Evan felt tears coming to his eyes. He tried to blink them anyway, knowing Connor wouldn’t be able to stand the sopiness. 

“W-Why?” He asked, even though it was a stupid question. 

“I don’t know,” Connor shrugged, staring at his own cuts. “I guess… in the middle ages, whenever someone was sick, they would just cut them open, hoping that the bad toxins would bleed out. I guess I’m waiting for whatever bad thing is inside me to bleed out.” He paused. “Or maybe that’s bullshit. Maybe I’m just addicted to the adrenaline that comes from pain.” He paused again. “Or maybe I just hate myself.” 

“I… I’m s-sorry.”

“It’s okay.”

“Wh-Why… why d-did you sh-show me?”

“I don’t know. Because you’re you. And after all these years I still feel… like I can talk to you.” 

Evan nodded, still transfixed by Connor’s arms and Connor’s hair falling on Connor’s t-shirt, and Connor’s face, and Connor. 

“That was stupid,” Connor said. “I’m sorry. I’m tired.”

“It w-wasn’t s-stupid. Do y-you want me t-to put on s-some music?”

“Yes please.”

Evan pulled up something soft and acoustic, and eventually, both boys fell asleep, lying on each other in Connor’s bed. 

 

***

 

Zoe was a little tipsy. 

Charity was there and her parents were there and everyone from church was there and her brother wasn’t there - at least he wasn’t downstairs - and whoever was supposed to keep the kids from getting into the alcohol was doing a terrible job of that, so Zoe was tipsy. 

“Zoe!” Someone said. Zoe took another sip of her disgusting red wine then turned around to find herself face to face with Jared Kleinman. 

“Jared,” She slurred. “Why are you here?” 

Jared ignored her question. “Isn’t this just deja-fucking-vu?”

Zoe furrowed her brow. 

“You? Me? Evan’s bar mitzvah? Except that time, both of us were sober! And it was an actual party, not some Addams-esque festive suicide celebration. You realize how fucked up this is, right?”

“Shut up, Jared.”

“Like, who throws a party because their son failed to kill himself? I guess your parents will just find any excuse to get drunk. And I mean, I can’t blame them. If Connor was part of my family I’d probably be a raging alcoholic too!”

“Shut the fuck up, Kleinman!” A female voice said from behind him. 

Zoe was expecting Alana, but Charity came in to view. 

“What do you want?” Zoe asked her. 

“Ooh! Catfight!”

“Get OUT, Jared!” Charity said. 

Jared shrugged and walked away. 

“Leave me alone, Charity,” Zoe said, taking another sip of her drink. Charity took it out of her hands. 

“We need to talk,” She said. 

Zoe made a grab for her drink. “Oh, so now you want to talk. After a year of radio silence, now the great Charity Austin has graced us with her warmth and understanding -”

“We need to talk when you’re sober. But first, we need to get you to bed.” Charity grabbed for Zoe’s arm, trying to guide her towards the stairs, but Zoe pulled herself away. 

“No! Fuck you!” 

“Zoe I -”

“I am finally free of you!”

“What?”

“I’m free of your lies, and your bullshit, all of it is fucking… bullshit! I never… felt like myself when I was around you. Just some fucking cut out of a perfect girl and I am done, okay. I’m fucking done with this, and done with you. Fuck you, Charity!”    
Charit looked taken aback by Zoe’s outburst. Zoe was doing a lot of outbursting lately. She liked it. She liked screaming truth at people and watching them implode. 

“Zoe…”

“Are you gonna give me my drink back or not?”

“Zoe. You’re drunk you need to -”

“Oh, fuck  _ off,”  _ Zoe sneered. “I’ll just go get another drink.” She turned around, ignoring Charity’s protests, and headed back towards the refreshment table. But then, someone caught her eye.

“And that’s why the school system really should abolish standardized testing. The way that kids are churned out like some sort of factory line is absolutely -”

“Sorry, Helen,” Zoe said to the woman-who-might-be-named-Helen-who-fucking-knows-anymore-all-white-suburban-moms-look-alike who Alana was talking to. “I need to borrow ‘Lana for a minute.”

The woman nodded kindly. 

“Zoe what is going on?” Alana asked as Zoe pulled her into her dad’s study and then into a roomy closet branching off from his study. 

“Kiss me,” Zoe said, pinning Alana against a wall.

“What?”

“Kiss me,” Zoe repeated, breathless. “Kiss me because I’m gay and you’re gay and I’m drunk as fuck and I’ve been in love with you since I was five years old and we’re in my dad’s closet and isn’t that ironic as fuck and my brother is depressed and I can’t talk to my family or my friends or my community and -”

“Okay.”

“Okay?”

Alana nodded. “Okay.”

And Zoe kissed her. 

And Alana kissed her back. 

And it was brilliant. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> shit zoe that's gay. 
> 
> i'm love this chapter guys. 
> 
> also. they should comment
> 
> who?
> 
> the person reading this. 
> 
> ((also follow me on tumblr @aliensinflowercrowns for my personal and @ask-godly-deh for my dear evan hansen askblog))


	26. Don't Want To Talk About It

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> in which everybody has to deal with all the shit from the last chapter, to varying degrees of success.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: Mentions of self harm, mentions of suicide, mentions of drugs and alcohol, a tiny bit of sexual content (not like having sex but talking about sex)

Connor woke up with his hair in Evan Hansen’s mouth and an unpleasantly prevalent boner. He bit his lip. He was not a twelve year old being unfairly manhandled by morning wood anymore. This was a boner with intentions. Connor knew this all too well, because this was not the first time he’d woken up with an Evan Hansen induced boner. This was, though, one of the few times when the subject of said Evan Hansen induced boner, Evan Hansen, was pressing against Connor’s body with his hair in his mouth. 

Connor was going to have to have a sit down with his dick. This could not keep happening. Not that Evan would ever sleep in his bed again, but still. Connor considered himself pretty skilled at hiding emotions. He couldn’t have his dick betray him like this. Evan was not his. Evan would never be his. Evan could not love Connor the way that Connor loved Evan. He’d made that very clear. If he ever wanted to make things right between them, Connor (and Connor’s dick) needed to accept that this was the best it was going to get. 

“Okay…” Connor thought. “Boner killers. Let’s see. Women. Straight sex. No, don’t think about sex, that doesn’t help. Um… grandma. Old people in diapers. Dead… puppies. I think I read somewhere that math helps? Uh… pythagorean theorem. A-squared plus B-squared equals C-squared. Logarithms. My calculus teacher. My calculus grade. My lack of future prospects. The future. My dad getting pissed at me about my future. Goddammit, Larry you giant cock waffle.”

Connor glanced down, seeing that his… problem had decreased significantly, which was good, because Evan started to stir. 

“Morning,” Connor said once Evan’s eyes had fluttered open and he’d spit Connor’s hair out of his mouth.

“Morn… morning?! Oh m-my god wh-what t-time is i-it? M-My m-mom’s p-probably f-freaking out wh-where’s m-my phone?!” Evan frantically patted himself down then pulled out an out of date off-brand cell phone. 

“O-Oh g-god I have s-seventeen t-texts…”

Connor watched as he read all of them, his face building in worry before it broke out in relief. “J-Jared t-took c-care of i-it.”

“Kleinman?”

“Y-Yeah.” Evan read Jared’s text aloud. “‘H-Hey Acorn, y-your mom w-was freaking out s-so I t-told her you w-were sleeping at m-my place. Have f-fun getting f-fucked and/or m-murdered by M-Murphy.’”

Evan looked up at Connor, his face going bright red. “I’m s-sorry. J-Jared is…”

“An asshole.”

“Y-Yeah.” 

Evan sighed. Connor sighed as well. Evan glanced at Connor. Connor glanced at Evan. They giggled. 

And then, it hit him. 

Evan was in his bed. Evan Hansen whom he hadn’t talked to in a year was sitting in his bed. Evan who dated his sister. Evan who was his first kiss. Evan who was his only friend but then wasn’t his friend anymore was in his bed. In his bed because he slept there. Because the night before Connor had a Xanax induced heart to heart with him at his suicide party. 

Jesus Christ couldn’t anything in Connor’s life be normal for once? 

“Um. I. Anything I, uh, said last night -” Connor started but Evan cut him off. 

“It’s f-fine, C-Connor. Y-You’re f-fine.” 

Connor bit his lip. “Yeah well. I was high, so.” He shrugged. Evan nodded. They sat in heavy, pregnant silence. Connor glanced over at Evan. His hair was tousled, his clothes rumpled from sleep and his face drooping. He was absolutely beautiful. 

Stop it, Connor. Stop thinking like that. 

A curl of self hatred bloomed in Connor’s stomach. Here he was, perving on Evan. Thinking about Evan. Innocent Evan. Connor disgusted himself. 

Connor heard a knocking on the wall next to the place his door used to be. His mom. She was trying so desperately to create some semblance of normalcy that she was acting delusional. 

She stepped into the doorway. 

“Oh! Evan. Hello!” She said, her face spreading in to a wide grin. Connor groaned internally. “I didn’t know you stayed with us last night! It’s so good to see you! How have you been?”

Connor felt Evan tense at the barrage of questions. 

“He’s fine mom, Jesus.” Connor stood up. “We’re going out.”

His mother blanched. “O-Out?”

“Yes. Out. As in leaving the house?”

“But what about breakfast?”

“I’d rather not slog through an hour of Larry being an asshole and everyone pretending not to notice Zoe’s hangover.”

“Your father is not -” Cynthia took a deep breath. “ _ Zoe _ is not - Just, I, fine. Are you safe?”

Connor rolled his eyes. He hated this. He hated being treated simultaneously like a child and a felon. He couldn’t be trusted with anything, he was constantly being watched, and everyone was expecting him to pull some trick on them. 

He sucked in a breath. “I’m fine, mom.”

“Are you sure? You seem like -”

“I’m  _ fine,  _ Cynthia!” He grabbed his jacket and tugged on Evan’s arm, pulling them out the doorway and past his mother. 

“Call me!” She yelled out. “I want safety checks every two hours!” 

Connor flipped her off, but he wasn’t sure if she could see. 

 

***

 

“Y-You sh-shouldn’t do th-that, y-ya know,” Evan said, staring at Connor’s lit cigarette. It smelled disgusting. Worse than pot. Evan didn’t understand all of those love songs that glorified the taste of cigarettes on someone’s lips. If cigarettes tasted half as bad as they smelled, Evan couldn’t imagine an ash covered kiss to be anywhere near romantic. 

Not that he was thinking about kissing Connor.

He was just thinking about smokers in general.

He didn’t even know why Connor got brought up. 

Except for the fact that Connor was sitting in the swing next to him and he’d slept at Connor’s house last night and Connor had shown him his cuts and Connor has said he missed him and -

“Long term health effects are not something that I care much about.” Connor took a long drag from his smoke. There was something sort of beautiful about it. Beautiful in a gross, nasty, smoke in Evan’s nose way. Maybe it was just Connor that was beautiful. 

Connor was beautiful, and suicidal. 

“W-Well. Y-You should. Y-You lose eight m-minutes of y-your life for everyone one c-cigarette.” Evan wasn’t sure where he’d picked up that fact, or if it was even true. 

“Well then, I guess I’d better smoke a helluva lot more.”

Evan laughed, despite himself. 

“You want to try it?” Connor asked, dangling the cigarette between his fingers, a crooked smile ghosting his features. 

Evan was not the kind of person to smoke cigarettes. Evan was not the kind of person to have impromptu sleepovers with people he hadn’t spoken to in years. Once upon a time, Evan had been Connor’s accomplice. His partner in crime. Once upon a time, Evan was one step behind Connor, for everything. But that wasn’t the case anymore. 

“You don’t have to.”

Evan grabbed the cigarette. 

He was almost positive he wasn’t holding it right. He looked over at Connor’s face, and was one hundred percent sure he wasn’t holding it right. 

“Okay just… put it between your lips,”

Evan placed it between his lips. 

“Then you want to… um… suck in,”

He sucked in.

“And then just… blow.”

He blew. 

And then coughed. A lot. 

He coughed so much he fell out of the swing. 

“Holy shit!” Connor jumped out of the swing and knelt down next to him, plucking the cigarette from his hand and snuffing it out in the sand. He waved the smoke away with his hands and patted on Evan’s back roughly. 

Evan decided he did not like cigarettes. 

Connor helped him to his feet, keeping Evan’s forearm secured near his chest. Evan was acutely aware of his close proximity to Connor.

“Th-Thanks.”

“No problem.”

Connor ran a hand through his hair, and Evan saw his sleeve ride up a bit, revealing a some irritated red skin. 

“Wh-Why… wh-why’d you l-lie to y-your mom?” Evan asked.

“What?”

“Sh-She asked if y-you w-were okay and y-you said y-you w-were b-but y-you…” He gestured towards Connor’s arms. “Y-You know…”

Connor laughed bitterly. “You don’t get it. They fucking… all three of them. The act like I’m… like I… like -”

“L-Like you t-tried to kill y-yourself a few w-week ago?” Evan asked. Connor scowled. “A-At least th-they c-care. At l-least they p-pay attention.” 

“Go fuck yourself, Hansen.” Connor sat back down in the swing, drawing designs with the toe of his combat boot. He flicked his lighter absentmindedly. Connor never sat still. Ever since they were kids, he was always like some sort of automaton, he always had seventeen different parts moving at one time. Unlike Evan, who was always fidgeting and never knew what to do with his hands or feet or legs or body, Connor’s movements seemed effortless, restless but not fidgety, like the world never deserved his undivided attention. Evan didn’t think the world could handle Connor’s undivided attention.

“I-If y-you ever w-want to t-talk about it -”

“I don’t want to fucking talk about it, Evan. I am so fucking tired of talking about it. Talking about it never solves anything. Fuck talking. Fuck  _ it _ . Fuck this.” Connor stood up. “I’ll see you around, Hansen.” 

Connor turned around and stalked off in the direction of his house. Evan stared at the park in front of him, utterly bewildered in how, but definitely sure that he had fucked everything up. Again. 

 

***

 

Someone was pounding on Zoe’s door. Pounding like the world was ending. Pounding so loud that the sound travelled from her door inside her head and started pounding on individual parts of her brain. 

She groaned loudly, but it was too loud, because everything was too loud, because the world had been turned up to 20 on the everything scale. 

She forced herself out of bed, and wrenched her door open, to find an uncertain looking Alana Beck. 

“Ughhhh,” Zoe said.

“Hello to you, too,” Alana responded, walking in to Zoe’s bedroom. 

“I feel like… like shit.”

“That’s understandable. You were drunk as a skunk last night.”

“Drunk as a skunk?”

“That’s a thing. People say it. Shut up.” Alana reached in to her backpack and pulled out a small cooler. “I brought Bloody Marys,” She said. 

Zoe smiled. “You… are a mother fucking godsend, Lana Bear.” 

“Oh. Ew. God no. Don’t call me that.” 

“Oh. So,” Zoe smiled. “Pet names are a no, then?”

Alana sighed and started absentmindedly making the cocktails. “We need to talk.”

“Fuck. That’s not good.”

“No! No… it’s not bad it’s just… we need to talk about last night.”

“Do we?”

“Yes, Zoe. This is exactly what we need to talk about. You kiss me, and then you don’t want to talk about it. You come to my house and cry to me about your problems and then you don’t talk to me at school! I don’t… I need to know what you want, Zoe. I don’t like this in between area.” She handed Zoe her Bloody Mary.

Zoe took a sip, and rubbed her temples. 

“I… I like you,” She said unintelligently, and then blushed. “That sounds… stupid.” 

“A little bit.”

“I’m sorry.”

“For what?”

“For a really shitty kiss.”

“I wasn’t imagining my first kiss with someone who was drunk but -”

“Wait. Your first kiss?”

Alana blushed. “Yeah.”

Zoe hung her head. “Fuck. I am literally the worst.”

“It’s okay. It was nice.”

“Yeah?”

Alana smiled. 

“Yeah.” 

Zoe took a deep breath. “I know I’m the worst.”

“You aren’t -”

“Just let me finish. I know I’m inconsistent and distant and I let all of my family’s bullshit take over my life and I don’t listen well and I’m not very patient or very calm and I’m not out to my parents and I might never come out to my parents and the last time I dated someone I was a really shitty girlfriend… but I like you. Like… a lot. And I’ve liked you for a long time. And I like kissing you and I like being with you and I’m scared of that because I’m not used to… to things being good or things being easy or things feeling nice. I’m always waiting for the other shoe to drop, I guess. But I… I think I trust you. And I want to be with you. That’s what I want.” 

Alana looked at her, blinking slowly. “I’ve been… I’ve been waiting for you to tell me that you wanted me for… forever. Since I was six years old. And I… I want to try. Um. Dating. Or something. And I get that you can’t come out but I still need… I need to feel like you like me? If that makes sense. I dunno. I guess I’m really insecure and I never feel like people actually really like me and -”

“I like you, Alana. I like you a lot.”

Zoe pulled her in for a kiss, deep and soft and comforting. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WOW I KNOW I'M THE WORST AND INCONSISTENT AND I CAN'T TELL IF I HATE THIS CHAPTER OR IF I LOVE IT BUT HERE IT IS LOL
> 
> pls comment telling me how pissed you are i haven't updated in three weeks
> 
> ((also follow me on tumblr @aliensinflowercrowns for my main and @ask-godly-deh for my dear evan hansen askblog))


	27. The Way That He Died

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> well. its been a bit hasn't it. have some angst.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: LOTS OF SUICIDE TALK

Both fortunately and unfortunately, Connor’s life started to return to relative normalcy. His parents slowly backed off - or backed off as much as they could - he didn’t get his door back yet, but he was no longer constantly supervised. Zoe still hated him, but at least she didn’t look at him with that sad-ass, mournful glint in her eye. School still sucked. There was a rumor that went around that Connor missed so much school because he’d been sent to jail, and he didn’t deny it. He’d rather people feared him than pitied him.

The earth continued to spin. Life continued to suck. Slowly, Connor could feel himself returning back to the shadows of school hallways and the dark corners of family portraits. There was, however, one glaring exception to this returning normalcy. Evan Hansen. 

Connor could feel Evan’s eyes on the back of his head. He sensed his worried looks in the hallway. He received text messages every now and then, checking in on him. He wanted to talk to Evan. He wanted to apologize for his last major blow up, but that was the problem. Connor was not made for friendship. Connor was not made for love or happiness. Connor spent his time either freaking out or trying desperately to apologize for his last freak out. He didn’t know how to do anything but hurt people. He didn’t remember how to be Evan’s friend. He wondered if he ever actually was. 

Connor felt like he was a toxin, infecting and ruining everyone he touched. He couldn’t apologize to Evan, because he didn’t want Evan to forgive him. He needed Evan to hate him, so that Evan would stay away, for his own good. It was better like that. Connor deserved to be hated. 

The other addition to Connor’s life Post-Attempt was therapy. His doctors had “Strongly Recommended” getting him a regular therapist and, surprisingly, neither of his parents had objected. So Connor was forced into the small, hazy office of Lydia Dashner every other Thursday at 4pm. 

“So,” Lydia said, staring at him intensely. “Are you gonna talk today?”

Connor looked down at his shoes. The edges of the laces were frayed. The little plastic fuckers had fallen off a long time ago and now the shoes were slowly falling apart. 

“Alright,” Lydia said. 

The room was silent, save for the noise machine situated outside the closed door. God forbid anyone overhear all the things Connor was not saying. 

His eyes flicked towards the clock. It had only been three minutes of the fifty minute session. This was excruciating. 

Connor let out a long breath. “It’s Evan.”

“Evan?”

“Evan. My… friend.”

“Okay.” She scribbled something down and then looked at him again, waiting for him to go on. 

“I… I fucked up. Again. Cause that’s all I do. Is fuck up.”

“Why do you think you messed up?” 

“Well first he found me high as shit at my suicide party, then I confessed a bunch of feelings to him, then I dragged him to a park and yelled at him on a swing. And then I left.”

Lydia nodded. 

“And it’s like… it’s the worst, ya know? Because Evan is… he’s the only one who hasn’t given up on me.”

“Why do you say that?”

Connor snorted. “Because it’s true.”

“What about your family? Your sister?”

“Zoe? She hates me.”

“How do you know that? Has she told you?”

“Well… no…”

“Has anyone in your family actually told you that they’ve given up on you or they don’t care about you or they don’t love you?”

“No but… I…”

“Do you ever feel like it’s easier to think that they’ve already given up on you so that you don’t have to worry about disappointing them? Or so you can validate your own suicidal ideation?”

“I… I don’t know. I couldn’t… even if they did care… even if  _ Zoe  _ cared… we’re so far apart… so far gone… I don’t… I don’t know how I would even start.”

“Then start with Evan. Start by apologizing. Text him. Sometimes we get so distracted by what’s in our heads that we can’t see what’s in front of us.” 

 

***

 

“Evan, honey, I’ve got to run, but there’s some of those Trader Joe’s potstickers in the fridge if you get hungry!” 

Evan nodded, even though his mother couldn’t see him. She wouldn’t care anyway. It seemed like she always had to run. Sometimes he felt like the two of them had been running circles around each other for years. 

Evan looked at the notebook in lap. He opened it up, carefully turning each charcoal filled page, trying to decipher what they meant. Except that he wasn’t. He knew exactly what they meant. He knew what Connor was trying to tell him. 

Evan bit his lip. He kept turning to one page. A boy was sitting in his room, staring blankly at his door while hundred of pictures burnt around him. The panel took up the entire page, each photograph carefully sketched with faces and memories and feelings that Evan remembered far too well. He ran a finger over the lines defining the boy. He was in sharp focus, while everything around him was hazy. His eyes weren’t sad or angry as one would expect them to be, rather, he looked like he was waiting for something. Or someone. 

Sometimes Evan felt as if he knew Connor completely. Sometimes he felt as if he didn’t know him at all. Staring at his art, Evan realized it was somewhere in between. He knew Connor too well. He knew things and he ignored them and he ignored Connor and he let this happen. Connor had been trying to confide in him and Evan had allowed himself to think of Connor as some mysterious enigma because it was easier than having to deal with his own shit. 

Sometimes Evan felt as if Connor was the only person who understood everything. He was just waiting for everyone else to catch up. 

But most of the time, Evan felt like Connor was a huge ass idiot. An idiot who thought that no one cared about him. An idiot that Evan let wallow in his idiocy until it consumed him and he was almost lost. 

He was so… stupid. 

Both of them were. 

Stupid boys feeding into each other’s stupidity. 

He turned the page. 

Three panels.

The boy is lowering his head.

He is raising his hands. 

His head in his hands as he cryings and the world burns around him. 

Evan bit his lip and slammed the book shut. 

He closed his eyes and let his head fall back, slamming it onto the headboard. 

_ Ow. _

Evan went to rub it, and felt his cast against the back of his head. His cast. 

It was so strange. It was all so strange. Strange how he got it. Sometimes he felt like he wasn’t the same person who fell out of that tree. 

It was like there were two Evans. There was the normal Evan, who sometimes fumbled around his words and didn’t have a lot of friends, but was okay for the most part. He took his meds, he went to school, and was generally regarded as a nice Jewish boy who no one thought twice about. 

And then there was the other Evan. The Evan who took over late at night or when he was walking alone in parks or when he was scrolling on social media or when he lied to his mom and didn’t take his meds for a week for god knows why because life had become so mechanical that it sometimes seemed the only thing left to do to make him feel human and alive and okay was to die. The real Evan. The twisted liar who didn’t care about anyone who loved him. Who realized that no one loved him at all, especially not himself. The Evan who couldn’t put away a god damn load of dishes without thinking about how he could kill himself with each and every knife that he held. 

The disconnect between these two Evans was wide enough that normal Evan could sometimes almost believe other Evan didn’t exist. Or had finally left for good. But he was always around the corner, waiting. Waiting to remind Evan how useless it all was. How useless he was. How useless life was.  _ Useless useless useless _ . 

Evan closed his eyes and tugged on his hair. 

Why couldn’t he just stop for once? Why could everything just  _ stop _ . 

His phone buzzed. 

 

**_Unknown Number_ ** _ : hey can we talk? _

 

**_Unknown Number_ ** _ : like… tomorrow? At school or something? _

 

**_Unknown Number_ ** _ : i promise i won’t freak out and run away _

 

**_Unknown Number_ ** _ : this is connor btw. i got your number from zoes phone _

 

***

 

The biggest problem with doing things, Zoe found, was that those things often has consequences. Sometimes the consequences were good, but most of the time, doing anything just got you in deeper shit. 

Example - Zoe kissed her best friend and then they started dating. Which would be good, if Zoe wasn’t Zoe with her problems and her parents and her brother and her inability to talk to people about her feelings which was generally something that people wanted in a relationship. 

She also couldn’t tell anyone about her secret relationship. The only person who knew she liked girls was Alana. And with Alana being the girls she was dating, informing Alana that she was dating Alana would be kind of redundant. 

She didn’t really have any other friends. Sure, she was “popular” but that was because she was pretty and perky and used to talk to people. She didn’t have friends. Cute, happy, wholesome Charity Austin’s best friends who apologizes for her crazy brother and helps people with their homework Zoe Murphy had friends. That was the problem with living a lie. You weren’t really living.

Zoe stared out at her room. She felt numb. She was usually numb. Sometimes she thought about being set on fire. She wondered if she would really feel it. Zoe wanted to feel. She felt like she had been asleep since she was ten years old. Alana made her feel awake. She wished she could make herself feel awake. 

She hated relying on other people. It seemed they always let her down. 

She guessed she could tell Evan. Evan was her friend. Wasn’t he? He was one of the only people she was ever honest with. Then again, maybe it wasn’t the best idea to tell her ex-boyfriend about her new girlfriend. She wanted to tell Connor. Which was stupid. It was stupid how Zoe just couldn’t give up on him. After everything, after he had rejected her time and time again, all she wanted to do was talk to him. Maybe he would understand. Maybe Connor felt numb all the time too. 

She pushed herself off of the bed and left her room, walking aimlessly downstairs. Her mom was in the kitchen, slaving over some gluten free, hormone free, GMO free, taste free recipe. Zoe stepped onto the last step of the staircase. It let out a loud creak. 

“Larry?” Her mom called. “Zoe?” She heard a small breath, and then her mom said, full of hope, “Connor?”

“It’s me mom,” Zoe said. 

Her mom whirled around. Sometimes Zoe thought she looked every old. “Oh! Hello dear.” She dried her hands with the worn checkered dish towel slung over her shoulder. 

“Hey.”

“Did you need something?”

Why did she have to need something? Couldn’t she just talk to her mother?

That wasn’t fair. She’d never really just “had a chat” with her mom before. It made sense she was expecting Zoe to ask for something. 

Zoe shrugged. “No.”

“Okay.” Her mom turned back around and continued working. Zoe wondered what would happen if she told her. Right then. If she just blurted it out. Logically she knew that nothing terrible would happen. Her mom loved her, no matter what. Right? 

“Mom I -”

“Yeah?” 

Her mom turned around once more. Zoe felt her heart seize up. She was paralyzed. She couldn’t. She couldn’t say it. Her body physically would not let her. 

“I was just wondering what we were having for dinner?”

“Oh! Carrot and red lentil soup.”

Zoe nodded and then turned, doing everything in her power not to bolt up the stairs. Instead she walked up the stairs calmly and normally, although her entire body felt like it was made out of playdough. 

She found herself in Connor’s doorway. His eyes were closed and he had headphones on HIs music was so loud that should could hear it. 

Zoe stood in the doorway until Connor finally opened his eyes. They stared at each other for a moment, each waiting for the other to make the first move. Finally, Connor pulled his headphones off, not bothering to pause the music. He kept staring at her. She supposed he was offering the choice for her to speak or leave. 

“What did it feel like?” Zoe asked. 

“Are you talking to me now?” 

“Dying. What did it feel like?”

“That’s a fucking rude question.” 

Zoe looked at him, not backing down. 

“I didn’t die.”

“I know. But you came close.” 

“It was… weird. I sort of felt like I was going to puke. I can’t… ever since I started… you know, I can’t deal with blood. So I just felt sick? And kind of peacefully. Mostly I didn’t feel anything, I guess. I thought it would be going to sleep but… it wasn’t. It was like that at all. It wasn’t going quietly into that good night. It was scary and sickening and every nerve in my body was screaming at me ‘you idiot what the fuck are you doing?!’ And right before I… the last thing I remembered thinking was…” Something flickered across his face. “You know what. Fuck you. I don’t need to tell you anything.” 

“No,” Zoe said, with something unidentifiable in the pit of her stomach. “I guess you don’t. But -”

“I don’t want to die.”

“What?”

“That’s the last thing I remember thinking. I don’t want to die. And then… I didn’t.” 

They were both quiet for a long time. 

“Connor… I… I’m sorry.”

“For what?”

“I dunno… I’m just… sorry.”

“I’m sorry too.” 

He put his headphones back on, telling Zoe that the conversation was over. It seemed it was always like that. Zoe started the conversation and Connor ended it. She felt like that had made some sort of progress, but at the same time, knew that nothing was different. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> a month and a half without updating she comes back with some angst.......
> 
> i'm not even gonna try and make an excuse. life gets in the way of shit. this isn't my job. thanks for your patience. much love. 
> 
> comment maybe????????????????? pls????????????
> 
> ((also follow me on tumblr @aliensinflowercrowns for my main and @ask-godly-deh for me dear evan hansen askblog that i *also* suck at updating))


	28. The Year Of Realizing Things

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> in which, gay. also, zoe hides her weed like a god damn amateur.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: Drug use, some extreme atheism/negativity about religion, mentions of suicide, talking about mental illness

“Hey.” 

Evan jumped at the sound of Connor’s voice, slamming his locker door shit. 

Great going Connor. Really doing a lot to rebuke your reputation as a creepy weirdo. 

“Oh! H-Hi, Connor.” Evan’s face flushed. “I didn’t realize you knew where my locker was.” 

“Oh.” Connor stared at the floor. His hands were buried deep in his pockets. He wondered if he could will the earth to open up and swallow him. “Well. I… I do.” 

“Yeah.” Connor didn’t look at Evan, but he was almost positive he was nodding. Nodding like an idiot. Nodding like a stupid dumb idiot with a face that Connor wanted to be kissing. A stupid dumb idiot with a face that Connor didn’t deserve to kiss and probably didn’t want Connor to kiss it anyway so maybe Connor should stop fucking thinking about kissing and Evan’s face in the same sentence. 

“Yeah.” 

Connor nodded. Dumbly. Like a stupid dumb idiot. 

“So. Is this like… is this like us t-talking? Like… I k-know that you w-wanted to… to t-talk. Is this… that?” 

“Um. Yeah. I guess? I mean. It was more of like… a loose plan rather than like a formal… date or whatever. Not like. Date. Like… meeting? I dunno. I… yes. This is. Us talking.” Jesus Christ. “Do you… do you want to get out of here?” Wow Connor wait to sound like you’re propositioning a dude to go have sex somewhere. “And talk?” 

Connor scratched the back of his neck awkwardly. That was a thing people did, right? That was a thing that guys did when said guys were being casual because no big deal he was just trying to rekindle the relationship with his only friend who he also wanted to aggressively suck face with. 

“L-Like… r-right now?”

“Yeah?”

“B-But…” Evan gestured vaguely to the hallway. “I-It’s… w-we’re in school. W-We’d b-be ditching school.” 

“... Yeah?” 

Evan sighed. “Okay.”

Connor’s head snapped up. “Seriously?” 

“Y-Yeah. Wh-why not. Senior year and a-all that. School is b-balls anyway.”

“Hell yeah. School is balls. Let’s go.” 

 

***

 

Connor took him to a park. 

“This is your first time ditching school, right?”

“I… I g-guess.” His mom had checked him out of school plenty of times, and he’d taken quite a few mental health days, but Evan hadn’t ever ditched just to go… do whatever this was. “This is my first… non-p-parentally s-sanctioned ditching.” 

“Nice. This is where I came the first time I ever ditched school.”

Evan nodded. He had noticed they were near their old elementary school. Connor continued. 

“My dad found me. Gave me a serious talking to about Jesus and responsibility and all that shit.”

“G-Gross.” 

“Yep,” Connor said, popping the  _ p _ . 

“What… happened? T-To… us?” Wow Hansen, wait to make it sound like you’re two forty year olds in a failing marriage. 

“Wow, Hansen. Way to be blunt.” 

Evan shrugged. “I h-had a good teacher. I’m s-serious, th-though. What h-happened?”

“You mean before or after you started banging my sister?” 

Evan couldn’t help but noticed the tint of malice that laced the edges of Connor’s voice. 

“I… I n-never b-banged your sister. I wish you w-would stop s-saying that.” 

Evan could practically hear the harsh look set onto Connor’s face. 

“It’s true though. You dated her. Even though you knew she was nothing but a bitch to me!” 

Okay. So they were doing this now. 

Evan tugged at his hair. 

“Y-You c-can’t pretend th-that you w-were  _ innocent _ in th-this, Connor! Y-You were horrible to Zoe!” 

Connor looked like Evan had just slapped him in the face. “Oh, fuck you E -”

“No!” Evan cut him off. “You don’t get t-to just t-tell me to go fuck m-myself and then s-stalk away, Connor! Th-That’s not how th-this is gonna go. You s-say you’re tired of people t-treating you like g-glass. You s-say you w-want to talk. So w-we’re g-gonna f-fucking t-talk. A-And you’re going t-to actually l-listen. Cause y-you c-can’t just f-fucking… trying t-to kill y-yourself doesn’t make your p-problems g-go away. I know th-that for a fact.” Evan saw Connor register what he said. Something in his mind clicked. Evan decided they’d talk about it later. If Connor ever wanted to talk to him again. 

“You p-pushed me away. Y-You were angry a-at me way before I s-started d-dating Zoe. Yes, I w-was going through m-my own sh-shit. No, I-I’m n-not saying that Zoe is p-perfect, she’s f-far from it, b-but I d-didn’t just abandon you o-out of nowhere. Do y-you have any idea h-how hard it is to w-watch someone you l-love slip away from th-themselves right b-before your eyes? It f-fucking sucks. And I know, t-trust me, Connor, I know it w-wasn’t your fault, but that d-doesn’t minimize how m-much it hurt. I k-know you were in a b-bad place, I know y-you’re still in a bad p-place, but… I w-was in a bad p-place too. And it h-hurt to h-have my best f-friend constantly angry with m-me, constantly p-pushing me away.” 

Evan felt pinpricks of tears in his eyes. Connor looked like he wanted to say something, but Evan kept going. 

“I s-still w-wanted to be your friend. After I g-got together with Z-Zoe. And there are… so m-many reasons I shouldn’t have g-gotten together with Zoe. There are s-so many f-fucked up reasons why I g-got together with her… b-but it wasn’t about you. W-Well… I guess it w-was kind of about you… b-but it w-wasn’t to… to spite you or w-whatever. You shut m-me out. First. You sh-shut Zoe out. First. And w-we both reacted b-badly. And it w-wasn’t your fault and I f-forgive you and I… I understand, or a-at least I f-feel like I do… but you still p-pushed us away, Connor.” 

Evan sighed. 

“I’m s-sorry. That was… a lot. A-And most of it w-was probably really mean and unwarranted a-and you prob - no you d-definitely hate me n-now, I just clearly h-have a lot of… I dunno… pent u-up bullshit and I c-completely understand if y-you never want to t-talk to m-me again and -”

“I’m in love with you.” 

What. 

“Wh-What?” 

“I’ve been deeply, maddeningly in love with you since I was… fuck. Since I was six years old.”

What?!

“I love the way that you smell and I love your hair and I love the way that you mumble in your sleep and I love how you sound when you swear, like a little kid saying something he knows he shouldn’t but he does anyway. I love the way that you call me on my bullshit and I love how fucking intelligent you are and I’m so glad that you were my first kiss - you were my first kiss, you know? At your bar mitzvah. And I was going to tell you. That night, I was finally going to tell you that I was gay, and more specifically gay for you… and then I chickened out and kicked you out and then I saw you kissing my sister… and oh my god I freaked the fuck out but I’m so glad that I didn’t tell you because I would’ve been… the worst boyfriend ever… and I clearly was so bad at dealing with rejection,” He laughed to himself.  _ What?!  _ “But… I’m prepared now. I understand that you aren’t gay and I understand that you don’t like me that way, but I guess it’s fucking… Zone of Truth or whatever. We’re all just laying it on the table. So… I love you, Evan Hansen. I am… so deeply, maddeningly, heartbreakingly in love with you.” He shrugged. “And… I’m sorry. I’m not sorry about having feelings for you, but I’m sorry about… everything else.” 

“You… you l-like me.”

Evan.exe has stopped working. 

“Yeah. I um… I think we’ve established that.”

“You… you’re g-gay.” 

Connor chuckled. “Yeah. Big uh… big flaming homo over here. As if my dad needed another reason to hate me.” 

We’re sorry. The number you are trying to reach has been disconnected. Please try again later. 

“You’re gay, and you’re in love with m-me.”

“Look, Evan, if you’re gonna like… one eighty on me and turn out to be super homophobic… that would… that would really suck. I get that that was probably a little, um, much? But it can’t be too surprising, I mean… I don’t think I’ve ever been like a master of subtlety or anything -” 

Evan kissed him. Full force, hungry, horny teenager in a horror movie kissed him. He tangled his hands in Connor’s hair, pressing their bodies together because they couldn’t be close enough. Connor Murphy was in love with him. Every nerve in Evan’s body sang with joy, with wanting, with love. 

Connor was surprised at first, but he quickly melted into the kiss, grabbing at Evan’s waist, at his hips, at his hair and neck. Evan angled his body into a more comfortable position on the park bench. They were going to be there for a while. 

 

***

 

Zoe stared at her notebook. The teacher was droning on about the Pendleton Act or some other irrelevant bullshit. She knew she was supposed to be taking notes, but she physically could not. Connor’s words rang in her ear. 

“I don’t want to die.”

Then why did you fucking try and kill yourself, Connor? 

She shook her head. It wasn’t as simple as that, and she knew it. Zoe wasn’t a complete imbecile. After all, here she was, in AP US History, paying absolutely no attention. 

Zoe felt like a frog that just realized it had been being slowly boiled for the past sixteen years. She was so sick of all of this bullshit. She was sick of her parents. She was sick of Charity, and all the rest of her “friends.” She was sick of church. And she was so sick of herself. Of all of her own bullshit. Connor was an asshole, but at least he was an honest asshole. Zoe had been building her life out lies and pretenses, and she couldn’t handle it anymore. She couldn’t tell her parents that she felt like she wasn’t here half the time, and that the other half the time she felt so uncontrollably angry that she wanted to rip the world apart, Hulk-style. She couldn’t tell them that the only times she ever felt sane were when she was with Alana - her girlfriend. She couldn’t tell them that she actually hated all of her friends, and she hated herself for making friends with them. Cause sure, they were fine people, but they weren’t her people. They were just people who she felt like were supposed to be her people. She couldn’t tell them that she didn’t believe in God, and if God turned out to be real she didn’t fear them or revere them, she fucking hated them. Fuck God. Fuck God and fuck the world and fuck Zoe for going along with it for so long. 

She stood up. 

“I need to go to the bathroom,” She said, monotone. 

“Um…” 

“I just started my period.” 

“Uh. Okay… Zoe. You just… you can go.” 

She picked up her backpack, and walked out of the classroom. Then she walked out of the school. Then she got in her car and drove home. 

When Zoe and her parents had been ransacking Connor’s room, they’d found his stash, hooked up in a false drawer in his desk, a la Light Yagami. Fucking nerd. Zoe hadn’t been sure what had possessed her to do it, but before telling her parents she’d found it, she took a fair amount for herself. She hadn’t done anything with it, just stuck in in her sock drawer. 

She let herself into the house, kicking off her shoes and dropping her backpack unceremoniously to the floor. Then, she walked upstairs to her room, grabbed the weed, found some of Connor’s confiscated cigarette paper, and looked up how to roll a joint. 

After some trial and error, for the first time in her life, Zoe Murphy got wonderfully and spectacularly high. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "katherine aliensinflowercrowns where tf have you been?"
> 
> tbh i've been having like some extreme writers block for this story and for my deh stories in general. i haven't lost interest at all i've just been like... out of inspiration. and like i've started writing another thing for a different fandom (so like if you're a purveyor of the adventure zone i've got a new story up relating to that) but i proooomise that i will try and update consistently again. i'm sorry, i'm the worst. 
> 
> check me out on tumblr @aliensinflowercrowns or @ask-godly-deh (which is another thing that i'm bad at updating but isn't dead i promise)
> 
> and leave a comment if you're feeling particularly kind!! much love <3


	29. Cough It Out

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> lots of kissing and drugs i guess idk

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: Drug usage, drug mentions

After an obnoxiously long make out session in which Connor felt like a completely stereotypical obnoxious teenager but also fuck you he was seventeen and if he wanted to be a dorky teenage boy kissing his dorkier teenage boyfriend (?), the kissing slowed down, and Connor eventually broke it off. 

“As much as I am loving this,” He nipped Evan’s bottom lip one more time. “And trust me, I am  _ loving _ this, you realize that we have like… a lot of other shit we’re gonna have to talk about at some point.” 

Evan smiled as well, starting off small and shy and then breaking into a huge grin. “Yeah. W-We’re p-probably… there’s like a l-lot of stuff, I g-guess.” He sighed shakily. 

“Do you wanna go somewhere a little less… public?” Connor asked. “We don’t have to like… talk about anything. Cause like. Fuck that noise. But also. We’re in a park. That children often frequent.” 

Evan giggled. He kissed Connor again. “Yeah. Yeah o-okay.” 

They jumped back in the car, Connor driving one-handed, the other hand intertwined with Evan’s. 

When they got to Connor’s house, they were surprised to see that Zoe’s car was in the driveway. 

“What is she doing here?” Connor asked, to himself. 

“W-What… w-what the h-hell?” Evan asked, as they walked into the house. “You’re h-house smells… it smells g-gross? What  _ is _ that?” 

Connor grimaced, scrunching up his nose. “Who the hell is smoking weed?” He glanced at the staircase, cocking his head quizzically. “Zoe?” 

Evan let out a quick laugh. “Zoe? N-No way.” 

Connor walked up the stairs. He felt Evan nervously shuffling behind him. 

Zoe’s door was open, and, yep. This was the source. Connor poked his head inside, to see his sister, sitting on her bed with a joint in her hand, crying. 

“Zoe?” 

She looked up at him with a tear stained face. “Connor!” She hiccupped. “I get it. I understand why you’re a stoner. This is fucking amazing.”

Evan let out a guffaw from the doorway, and then coughed, and swatted at the smoke. 

“Evan?” Zoe asked, her voice still watery. “What are you doing here?” 

“Uh…”

“We made out. Up! We made up. Evan and I are friends again.” 

Zoe nodded, taking another puff, and then coughing. 

“Zoe,” Connor asked. “Where did you get all this?”

“Stole it from you,” Zoe said, still coughing. “When mom and dad went through all of your shit.”

Connor nodded. 

“Cool. Okay. Cool cool cool. Why the fuck are you crying?”

Zoe’s hand flew up to her face. “Oh my god,” She said. “I’m crying!” She stared at Connor. “I’ve been crying for like… a while!” 

“Zoe, how many fucking joints did you smoke?”

“... Three? Maybe four?” She shook her head. “This is definitely my fourth.”

“Jesus Christ.”

“I-Is… i-is that a lot?”

Connor rolled his eyes, pinching at the bridge of his nose. “Yes, Evan, it’s a lot. Or at least, it’s much more than normal. You really only need one to get you like… sufficiently high. Especially if you’re by yourself. Also, what the fuck, Zoe?” 

Zoe laughed. “I just…” She shook her head. “I dunno. I’m fuckin… sad. Like all the time, Connor. Like everything fucking sucks. It sucks balls. Major. Fucking. Balls. And I’m so… angry? It’s like I’m either angry or I’m just… fucking off in la la land. And I thought, ‘hey, this worked for Connor, so why not.’” She held out the joint. “Want some?” 

Connor grabbed the joint out of her hand. “No, I don’t,” He snuffed it out on his jeans, then slipped it into his pocket for later. “We need to clean this place up. Evan, grab the fucking febreeze. Zoe, you just… just try and get yourself cleaned up. Or, ya know what, I’ll help you get cleaned up later. Just… sit here. Is there any left?” 

Zoe handed him a plastic baggie that he recognized from when he bought it. He clenched his jaw. “Okay. Great. Let’s get the stench out of here before mom and dad get home.” 

“Wait,” Zoe hiccupped. “You’re… you’re helping me?”

Connor looked at her, then sighed. “Yeah, stupid. Of course I’m helping you. But we are definitely talking about this when you come down.” 

 

***

 

Connor instructed Evan to open all the windows, turn on all the fans, and start spraying FeBreeze and perfume. 

It didn’t take long before Evan had thoroughly de-skunked the place. He walked back upstairs, to find Connor cleaning Zoe up, wiping off her makeup and putting her hair into plaits. 

“Okay, Zo,” He said. “You get some rest. I’ll tell mom and dad that you… that you got sick I guess.” 

Zoe nodded, yawning loudly. Connor tucked her into her bed, pressing a soft kiss on her forehead. Then he left the room, closing the door behind him. 

“Oh, C-Connor, you d-do care,” Evan said, a shit-eating grin slipping onto his face. 

“Of course I care,” Connor snapped, before pulling Evan into a hug. “Is this okay?” He asked. 

“Y-Yeah,” Evan whispered. 

Connor hiked Evan up, guiding Evan’s legs around Connor’s waist. “How about this?” He asked. 

Evan’s heart was fluttering in his chest. This was crazy. This was not like Connor. But he also kind of loved it? 

“Th-That is… p-perfectly fine.” 

He pushed him against the wall, kissing him. 

Evan couldn’t help but start giggling. Connor started giggling as well, breaking the kiss. “Is something wrong?” He asked. 

“N-No,” Evan assured him. “Not… n-not at all. Th-This is g-great I j-just,” He laughed again. “I j-just had n-no idea… I d-don’t know w-what’s gotten into y-you.” 

Connor smiled.”I’m just… happy, ‘s all. I’m really… really really really glad that you like me. As much as I like you.”

“Y-You’re like a f-fucking… c-cuddly cat,” Evan laughed. 

Connor shrugged. 

The door downstairs slammed. Connor’s eyes widened. 

“Shit,” He whispered. Evan smiled. Connor slowly set him down, and then stepped away.

“So,” He said. “My dear, completely heterosexual platonic friend. Would you like to stay for dinner?” 

Dinner with the Murphy’s was its usual sordid affair. The affectionate-brother-Connor was gone. The cuddly-boyfriend(?)-Connor was gone. Connor was closed off and angry.

Cynthia and Larry were passive aggressive. Connor was flat out aggressive. Thankfully the whole thing did not culminate in a flat out fight - which was considered a win in the Murphy household. 

After they finished eating, Heidi texted Evan and the two of them parted at the door. 

“Um…” Evan said. “T-Today… t-today was a d-day?” He laughed uncomfortably. 

Connor blushed. “... Yeah.” 

Evan glanced down the hallway. He didn’t dare to say anything incriminating with prying ears around. “I’m r-really… uh… glad. Glad th-that everything. Happened? Yeah.” 

Connor nodded. “Me too.” He smiled. “Really glad.” 

“I’ll s-see you s-soon, C-Connor.” 

Connor smiled softly. “See you soon, Evan.” 

 

***

 

Zoe woke up at around three in the morning. She didn’t have a hangover, which was cool. Apparently smoking weed didn’t give one a hangover. 

God, she felt like an idiot. Not that she’d smoked something - that was weird but fine, she felt like an idiot because she’d done it so  _ badly _ . Smoking inside? Really, Zoe? 

She tiptoed out of the room, opening her door as quietly as possible. She knocked on Connor’s door, her knuckled barely grazing the door. 

“Hey,” She hissed. “Connor?”

The door cracked open a hair. “Yeah?” Connor asked. 

“Can… can I come in?” 

Connor nodded. His hair was done up in some sort of sleep bun, and he was wearing an oversized sweater. He looked much softer around the edges than usually. He opened the door wider, and Zoe stepped in.

The two of them stared at each other. Zoe didn’t remember the last time she’d been in his room when he was there. 

Then it hit her. His… attempt. When he tried to kill himself. She’d been in there then. She felt a shiver knock down her spine. 

Connor looked down at his fingers, picking at his nail polish. 

“Do you wanna -”

“Can I -”

Zoe blushed. “Sorry,” She said. “You go first.” 

“Do you… wanna sit down?” 

“Um. Yeah. Sure.” 

She sat down on his bed, sinking into the mattress. It was different. When they’d gone through his room, their parents had bought him a new mattress. It was strange. She was reminded of when she used to come in his room at night and sleep in his bed. 

Connor walked over, sitting down as well, about two or three feet away from her. 

“Thanks,” She said, looking down at her hands, messing with her cuticles. 

“For?” 

“Today.” 

“What do you mean?” 

She looked up at him, a small smile playing on her face. “Jesus, Connor, are you gonna make me say it?” 

Connor’s lip quirked. 

Zoe bit her lip. “Thank you for taking care of me today when I was…”

“Stoned off your ass?”

“Stoned off my ass.” 

Connor shrugged. “No problem.” 

“You’re in a good mood today,” She said, then cocked her head. “Tonight, I guess.” 

He shrugged again. “I dunno.” He looked around the room. “I guess that I… it’s weird. I feel like I’m like a lightswitch. I’ve been like… either super fucking angry or I’m… fine? Maybe even happy? It’s weird.”

“You mean like… bipolar?” 

He shook his head, and shrugged again. “Fuck man. I dunno. It’s complicated. The whole thing,” He waved a hand around his head. “Is fucking complicated. My life is a mess. My head is… a mess I guess.” 

She nodded. “That’s fine.” Then she bit her lip. “Mine too, I think. Sometimes.”

He furrowed his brow, looking at her. 

She stared at her hands again. 

“Okay.”

“Yeah.” 

Zoe sort of felt like she should tell him she loved him. That’s what this kind of moment called for, didn’t it? She was supposed to hug him, they would cry and hold each other and make up, and then the next morning they would eat breakfast together and go to school together and hang out and be best friends again but… no. That wasn’t how they worked. She couldn’t. Something in her heart or her throat or the pit of her stomach just couldn’t form the words. 

She wished that he would tell her that he loved her as well. Tell her that he was sorry or that he cared about her or that he’d been… watching her. Caring about her. He was there for her. She knew, logically, that he probably cared for her, he showed it in his actions, but she wanted words. She just wanted that confirmation. Something. 

But it didn’t come. 

Instead they just sat there, in the dark, staring at their hands, staring at each other, existing together in a strange sort of comfortable silence. And then, eventually, as the human body is wont to do, they fell asleep. The fell asleep curled on Connor’s bed, pressing into each other. Almost as if they were kids again. Best friends again. And when Zoe woke up, she felt warmer than she had in years. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so i wrote like half of this at school during class. weird right? also like. new chapter of mermaids at some point. soon hopefully. i'm fucking tired lol
> 
> check me out on tumblr @aliensinflowercrowns for my main and @ask-godly-deh for my dear evan hansen askblog
> 
> also drop a comment if you're feeling particularly lovely


	30. Still Patiently I Wait

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ..................... i can explain???

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: talks of suicide, mentions of bullying, mentions of self harm, internalized homophobia, swearing

While Connor’s life had increased significantly in quality ever since he and Evan started hanging out again, his newfound semi-social life had one huge blot on it. That blot was 5 foot 5, had buck teeth and obnoxiously large glasses, and a propensity for wearing shitty, totally not funny graphic tee shirts. Jared Fucking Kleinman. 

“Hey Connor,” He said, his voice nasally and loud. “Evan. How are you two lovebirds doing today?” 

Connor glared and slammed his locker shut. 

“Oh, okay, touchy.”

Pointedly ignoring Kleinman, Connor turned to Evan. “Hey, Hansen, we still on for my house later?” 

Evan had started coming over to Connor’s house more often. Or Connor would go over to Evan’s. Or the two of them would fuck off somewhere around town and make out in Connor’s car. It was an assumed thing at that point, and maybe Connor was just verbally confirming it to make Kleinman jealous. 

Still, Evan’s face got red. “Oh, uh, y-yeah, um, a-about… that -”

“Evan and I are hanging out today,” Kleinman said, a shit eating grin on his face. 

Kill Bill sirens went off in Connor’s head. “What? Why? You guys don’t hang out.”

“Yeah we do! Besides, my mom started to get worried I wasn’t hanging out with Hansen enough. If she thinks we aren’t friends anymore she’ll stop paying my car insurance.” 

The car insurance comment made Evan’s face get even redder. Anger flared in the pit of Connor’s stomach. He roughly grabbed onto Jared’s upper arm. 

“Hey Kleinman, let’s talk,” He said, already pulling Jared into an alcove. 

“Hah, wow Murphy, you aren’t usually my type but -” 

“Shut the actual fuck up. What is your problem?”

“What do you mean what’s my problem? I don’t have a problem? What’s  _ your _ problem?” 

“Why are you so insistent on fucking with Evan?” Connor glowered down at Jared, who put up his hands defensively. 

“Hey, whoa, I’m not fucking with Evan. I’m his  _ friend _ .” 

Connor laughed maliciously. “Are you kidding?”

“No? Evan and I are friends. After you fucking dropped him, he came crawling back to me.” 

Connor’s eyebrows shot up. “Holy shit. Are you jealous?”

“Please? Of Evan? What is there to be jealous of, his shitty Dell laptop? Or how about the backpack he’s had since second grade?”

“You just said he was your friend.” 

“He is! It’s complicated. I wouldn’t expect you to understand.” 

“I think I understand perfectly. I think you’re an asshole and a bully and -”

“Whoa. Okay. Hold the fucking phone. I was the one who was there after you decided to go be all emo by yourself. And I’m not gonna be yesterday’s goddamned garbage just because you and Evan have… rekindled your bullshit! So excuse me for trying to hang out with my friend but -”

“Stop calling him your friend! You aren’t friends! You only hang out with him for car insurance!”

“Car insurance? That’s just a joke -”

“N-Not t-to me.” 

Connor and Jared both whipped their heads towards Evan. 

“What did you say, Ev?” Connor asked, voice soft. 

Evan kept his eyes trained on Jared. “I d-didn’t m-mean to treat y-you like a s-second choice, J-Jared, but you t-treat me like an o-obligation. You c-constantly make excuses f-for why you h-have to hang out w-with me. You always t-talk about a-all the things y-you’d r-rather b-be d-doing. It d-doesn’t feel l-like a j-joke. I-It d-doesn’t feel l-like we’re f-friends.” 

Jared scowled. He crossed his arms. “So… so what? You don’t want to hang out anymore then?”

“Th-That’s not wh-what I s-said. I w-want to hang o-out with y-you. But if y-you w-want to h-hang out with m-me, you have t-to act l-like it.” 

Jared rolled his eyes, then looked at the ground. “Fine. Okay. Yeah. I want to hang out with you. I… like spending time with you. You’re basically my best friend. Happy now?” 

“A-And you h-have to be n-nice to C-Connor. I don’t w-want to h-hang out with s-someone whose c-constantly an a-asshole to m-my boyfriend.” 

Connor’s heart dropped at the word boyfriend. His eyes widened, but that was nothing compared to Jared, whose eyes practically fell out of his head. 

“Boyfriend?” Jared said. “Are you…” He looked at Connor, then Evan, then back to Connor. Connor glowered slightly. Jared babbled on. “So you two are… you’re actually… holy shit. Oh my fucking god. I can’t believe it.” He was almost red in the face from laughing. “Yeah, okay Murphy, we’re cool.” 

Evan smiled and grabbed Connor’s hand, interlocking their fingers. 

“God, I cannot believe this. You are going to have to tell me exactly what happened,” Jared said, beginning to walk towards the school’s exit. “Well, maybe not exactly. I don’t need all the x-rated details.” 

 

***

 

Evan was straddling Connor’s hips, bending down to kiss him. It was crazy to think about. They’d been secretly dating for a few weeks now, the only person who knew about it was Jared. Which just added to the craziness. He was actually talking to Jared? Like, properly talking. They were like… friends now. 

Life was wild. 

Still, even with Connor underneath him, his hoodie off for once, just in a threadbare Ramones tee shirt, Evan was distracted. 

Connor had been doing so much better lately. He hadn’t been getting in as many fights with his parents, or with Zoe. Evan knew it wasn’t amazing, but it was okay. He had been going to his therapist, and engaging with her, and he was there most of time. Like, actually present. Not just in a place physically, he was all there. 

And Evan still wasn’t. Connor had been making all this progress, and Evan was sitting here with a secret weighing him down. He hadn’t even talked to Connor about it. He couldn’t talk to anyone about it. 

He broke the kiss and swung his leg over Connor, moving to sit at the end of the bed. Connor sat up and met him where he was. 

“Hey,” He said. “What’s wrong?” 

Evan sighed. “I…” He fiddled with the end of his shirt. “I r-read your c-comic. L-Like, I f-finished it.” 

Connor nodded. “Oh. Cool.” 

“It… I-It was r-really g-good. You’re a b-brilliant a-artist, Connor.” 

Connor’s face goes red. “Thanks.”

“Wh-Why… wh-why d-did you g-give it to m-me, th-though? When you… wh-when you tried t-to? To k-kill yourself? I m-mean, you w-wanted to leave… your n-note or wh-whatever… t-to me?” 

Connor shrugged. 

“I dunno. I wasn’t really in the right frame of mind.”

“C-Con, that b-book is l-like… three h-hundred p-pages. You m-must’ve p-put some th-thought in it.”

“I guess…” He sighed. “I dunno. I mean, I know I was mad at you, or you were mad at me, or it was all fucked up and stuff, and I mean, there was a least some part of me that liked the idea of a tragic love story where you only realized my feelings about you in death -“

“Y-You’re feelings a-about me aren’t i-in it, though?”

“Yeah. Like I said, not the best frame of mind. Anyway. I guess… I felt like you would understand. Out of anyone. Which is dumb but -“

“I d-do.” 

Connor stopped. He turned to Evan. “What do you mean?”

“I do. U-Understand. I… I k-know… I m-mean, I…” He looked down at his arm. At the angry red scar left over from the surgery. “I g-get how y-you were feeling.” 

Connor’s voice got soft. 

“Ev?”

“Y-Yeah?”

“What happened? On the day you broke your arm?”

“I…” 

Tears sprung up in Evan’s eyes. 

“I j-just felt so… w-worthless. I… I d-didn’t have a-anyone. I d-didn’t think anyone w-would even n-notice! And th-the fucking… ch-cherry on t-top? Th-They d-didn’t! N-No one e-even questioned m-me. After I w-woke up, I t-tried to c-call my mom, b-but she d-didn’t answer h-her phone. I h-had to w-walk myself back t-to the ranger’s s-station and have my b-boss drive me to th-the hospital.” 

Connor sucked in a breath. 

“Holy shit, Ev.” 

“I’m… I’m s-sorry.” 

Connor wrapped his arms around him. Evan could see the faint white scars. “Don’t be sorry, Evan. I mean, out of anyone, I’m the last person who could judge you. I just… fuck. I love you so much, you know? God. I love you, Evan Hansen. I’m so… shit is so fucked. You know? It’s so god damned fucked but you are so good and I just… I wish I could take it all away.” 

“M-Me too,” Evan mumbled. “F-For you.” 

“You’re seeing a therapist, right?” 

“Yeah, b-but I h-haven’t… I h-haven’t told h-him about any of th-this.” 

“Well… I think you should. I get if you’re not ready but I just… I want you in this world. So bad.”

Evan smiled, and turned to face Connor. “I… I w-want you h-here too.” 

“Promise to talk to me? If it gets bad again? And I’ll talk to you. Like… like an anti-suicide pact.” 

Evan laughed shakily. “Yeah. Y-Yeah, I think I c-can do that.” 

Connor pulled him into a kiss, light and soft on his lips. Evan responded, deepening the kiss into a more insistent pull. 

“Hey goofus, do you know where - SHIT!” 

Connor broke the kiss and sprang up from the bed. 

“Zoe?!” 

Zoe’s eyes were wide in the hallway. “I didn’t… you’re… are you fucking gay?!” 

Evan stood up on shaking legs, staring from Zoe to Connor to Connor to Zoe. 

“I… I-I’ll c-call you, okay, C-Connor,” He said, but he didn’t think either sibling heard him as he scurried from the Murphy house. 

 

***

 

“You’re gay?” Zoe repeated, staring at her brother. She was vaguely aware of the front door shutting, signalling Evan’s departure. 

“Yeah,” Connor said, some of the anger melting from his stance. “Yeah, I am. I’m gay.” 

Zoe scoffed. “This is too  _ fucking _ rich!” She said. Her voice bounced off the walls and ceiling. She knew she was yelling, but she didn’t seem to care. 

“All this time, I could’ve… I could’ve gone to you, or fucking, talked to you, instead of hating myself and beating myself up inside and feeling broken and twisted while you were just… I bet you don’t even care! You’re Connor god damned Murphy, nothing ever fucking phases you. This is such BULLSHIT!” 

“What the fuck are you talking about?!” Connor said. 

Zoe stared at him. Her voice suddenly got very, very quiet. “I’m… me too. I’m also, gay. I’m a… a lesbian.” 

She didn’t think she’d ever called herself that before. Especially not out loud. 

Connor’s eyebrows shot up. “What?” 

She laughed, and it was hollow. “Y-Yeah. I… God. I’ve been feeling like complete and utter shit about it for years. Ever since I figured it out. Probably before then. And I always felt so -”

“Alone.” 

Her eyes were trained on the floor. “Yeah.” 

“I’m sorry.” 

She raised her head. 

“What?”

“I’m… fuck. I’ve been such a shitty brother and… I’m sorry that I haven’t been someone you could talk to. I’m sorry you’ve felt like you had to bottle up all your emotions and shit. I’m sorry that I put so much pressure on you. I never meant to. I never… God. I never even thought about it.” 

“I’m sorry, too.” She said. “I’m not exactly winning any awards in the sister department either -”

“Can we not?” He asked. 

“What?”

“Can we not fucking… deflect each other’s apologies by dunking on ourselves? Like… that’s such a fucking Irish Catholic thing to do. Can’t we just… you know. Not?” 

She laughed again. “Yeah. Um. Thanks, Connor. For the apology.” 

“Ha. Yeah.” 

She felt two arms around her, pulling her into a tight hug. He rested his chin on her head. 

“I love you, Zo.” 

Zoe’s heart swelled. She wasn’t sure when she’d last heard him say that. 

“I love you too, Connor.”

It was quiet for a second. 

“Two gay kids. Mom and dad are gonna have a fucking field day.” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so. it's been a few months. um. sorry about that? i've had horrible writers block and haven't written anything i'm happy with in over a month. also i'm not as much into the deh fandom anymore, i still LOVE the musical, obvs, and the characters still mean more to me than i can articulate, i'm just not as active in the online community. BUT! i'm not abandoning this fic, or the mermaids fic, no matter what past actions seem to indicate! i have the last few chapters of this mapped out and if all goes according to plan it should be done before the end of the month. 
> 
> find me on tumblr @aliensinflowercrowns and leave a comment telling me how much you've missed me (she said, sarcastically)


	31. Matthew 25:21

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> this is basically like... the beach episode. i s2g its so fluffly

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: swearing, underage drinking

“You ready to go?” Zoe asked. Connor looked up from his phone at her. She was wearing some sort of sundress and carrying an honest to god picnic basket. 

“Jesus. This is so disgustingly domestic,” He said. 

“Oh shut up, you know you love it.” 

He rolled his eyes. “Yeah, I’m ready.” 

“Good. Lana’s waiting for us in. She’s bringing some hard lemonade.” 

“How the hell does your girlfriend constantly have access to alcohol?”

Zoe shrugged, tossing Connor his keys. “Her dads leave the liquor cabinet unlocked. They say that they’d rather be aware of what she’s doing than have her hide from them. As long as she’s honest and responsible, she can kind of get away with anything she wants. Apparently, they let her get high with her aunt last spring break.” 

“Oh my god. That is so cool.”

Zoe laughed. 

“What?”

“Just… I dunno. The way you said that. ‘Oh my god. That is so cool.’ It doesn’t sound like you. Or maybe it does, if you were like… trying to sound like a surfer dude.” 

“Shut up. I can say things like cool. I’m hip with the kids.” 

Zoe laughed again. “Oh my god! You’re such a nerd ! People think you’re like this mysterious hardcore badass but you’re actually just a nerd!” 

“Zo, I have a literal comic book library. Of course I’m a nerd. Now get in the fucking car.” 

They climbed into Connor’s car, and Zoe put the picnic basket in the back seat. “It smells like weed in here,” She said. 

“Yeah, no shit.” 

Connor started the car as Zoe reached for the aux cord. 

“Uh, what do you think you’re doing?” Connor asked. 

“I’m putting on music, what does it look like I’m doing?” 

“No way, I don’t want to listen to your teeny-bopper bullshit -”

“Connor, I’m not twelve anymore. I have good music taste.”

“Yeah, everyone always thinks that and so rarely are they right.” 

Lyrics started to filter through the shitty old speakers.

_ “They'd hooked you up to a fentanyl drip _ __  
_ To mitigate the pain a little bit _ __  
_ I flew in from Pennsylvania _ _  
_ __ When I heard the hour was coming fast”

“Is this the Mountain Goats?” Connor asked, approvingly. He knew the answer was yes, but still felt the need to confirm. 

“Yep,” Zoe said, the self satisfaction obvious in her voice. 

Connor cracked a grin. “Okay, you got lucky with one song. That doesn’t mean you’re some world class DJ.” 

“Whatever helps you sleep at night, Connie.” 

They pulled in to Alana’s long driveway, and Connor laid his hand on the horn. 

“Oh my god,” Zoe said. “I’m texting her. You don’t have to be so obnoxious.” 

“Yes I do, it’s part of my charm.” 

Alana slipped out of the duck egg blue door and ran down the sidewalk. She was wearing a swishy skirt and denim jacket. More appropriate for the winter weather than Zoe, but she’s still probably be complaining once they got up the mountain. 

“Hey babe,” Alana said, sliding into the backseat and planting a kiss on Zoe’s cheek. “Hi Connor!” She was just as enthusiastic in person as she always was in school. “It’s so great that the four of us can all get together and do something like this. I’m so glad you and Zoe have been taking all these steps to repair your relationship. It’s also great that you’ve both accepted your sexuality and can support each other!” 

Connor blinked a few times. He swore, sometimes this girl sounded like she came out of a leftist PSA.

“Uh, thanks, Alana. It’s good to see you too.” 

Another song started and Connor pulled out of the driveway, starting off towards Evan’s. 

Evan was waiting outside his house when Connor pulled into the driveway. Zoe hopped out of the passenger seat to join Alana in the back, and Evan awkwardly clambered into the seat she vacated. Connor was pretty sure that Evan was the most nervous out of all of them. 

“Um,” He said. “H-Hi, Zoe.” His voice cracked. He winced. “Hi, uh, A-Alana. H-Hey… C-Connor.” He blushed a bit when he said Connor’s name, which gave Connor no small bit of satisfaction. 

“Hey Evan,” Zoe said, also a little awkward. Which Connor understood. Having your unwitting beard turn out to also be gay and then date your brother/then you date her brother was awkward situation to be in. Connor hoped that the two would resolve it, though. As much as the horrible, jealous goblin that lived inside him hated to admit it, he knew they were good together as friends, and that them having a good relationship would make everyone’s lives more pleasant. 

“Alright nerds,” Connor said. “Let’s go climb a big rock.” 

He turned on the highway, towards the outskirts of the city. 

 

***

 

The Mountain was more of large hill out near Ellison Park. It wasn’t technically a part of the park, for which Evan was grateful, because as much as he loved nature, he wasn’t too keen on returning to Ellison any time soon. He’d never actually been to the Mountain, but he’d heard a lot about it in passing from kids at school. It was tradition to climb to the top of it on the night before the last day of school as juniors so you could watch the sunrise on your first day as high school seniors. This tradition was appropriately dubbed “Senior Sunrise” and was something that neither Connor nor Evan took part in. After finding this out, Alana had insisted the four of them go on a double date and climb it then have a picnic at the top. 

Evan was excited, he was shocked when Connor and Zoe had told him that Zoe was gay and dating Alana, but he had been happy that he wasn’t the only one not interested in their mess of a relationship. Besides, any time that Zoe and Connor were getting along was a good time as far as Evan was concerned. It was, of course, incredibly awkward to be around Zoe. Although, for Evan, it was incredibly awkward to be around anyone most of the time, so he was hoping that it would fade. 

Connor pulled up in front of the Mountain. The makeshift parking lot was thankfully devoid of cars. The four of them (and Zoe’s picnic basket) unloaded from the car. Evan stared up at the Mountain with a wistful look. He loved hiking. 

“A-Alright, everyone,” He said, putting on his best Apprentice Park Ranger Voice. “L-Let’s climb th-this thing.” 

Connor sighed. “It is a testament to how much I love you that I am willing to partake in physical exercise.” 

“Don’t be a baby, Connor,” Zoe joked. “It’s just a little hill.” 

“This is literal hell,” Zoe said, twenty minutes later. “It’s fucking cold as balls, and this basket is so goddamn heavy.” 

“You know,” Connor said. “Balls aren’t actually cold. They’re more… sweaty and warm.” 

“Aghh! No! Stop! That’s illegal! You, my brother, cannot talk about genitalia. That’s punishable by life in prison.”

Evan giggled and grabbed the picnic basket from Zoe. Contrary to what people might think, he actually was quite strong. “Y-You w-were the one wh-who decided to w-wear a s-sundress in the m-middle of w-winter,” He said. “S-Sorry.”

“Wow. Literally everyone is ganging up on me right now.” 

“Hey!” Alana said. “I’m not. Here baby, take my jacket.” 

Zoe smiled. “Thanks love.”

Connor smirked. “Hey Evan,” He said. “I’m cold, too.” 

Evan smiled. “W-Well d-damn, Connor. I c-can’t c-control the w-weather.” 

The two of them dissolved into laughter. 

“You two have been spending way too much time with Jared Kleinman,” Zoe said. 

“Ew. No. Never say that to me again,” Connor said. “Jared Kleinman is a fuck.” 

The siblings shared a smile at their inside joke. 

They made their way up the rest of the Mountain fairly easily and in relative silence. 

“Wow,” Alana breathed when the finally reached the top. “It’s beautiful.”

The view from the Mountain stretched into a large meadow with small trees and bushes filled with flowers dotting the grass. Patches of snow gathered in shadows. A small lake glittered in the mid afternoon sun. 

“Yeah,” Evan said. Connor grabbed his hand, lacing their fingers together. Evan leaned into him. He smelled like soap and smoke. 

 

***

 

“And I know it’s early, but it’s still stressing me out!” Alana said, finishing her sandwich. She was sitting crosslegged on the blanket Zoe had packed, and Zoe’s head was in her lap, which made eating a bit difficult, but they looked cute as fuck, so it didn’t really matter. 

“I can’t believe you’re stressing about Senior Prom, Alana,” Connor said. “That’s like… forever away.”

“It’s less than six months, Connor.”

“Exactly. Forever.”

Evan laughed, small and breathy. He was curled into Connor’s side, their hands intertwined. They both looked so calm and content. It was clear they made each other happy, which made Zoe happy. 

“Hey babe,” Zoe asked, looking up at Alana.

“Hmm?”

“Do you want to go to prom together?”

Alana blanched. “Are… are you sure? I mean, you mean, like,  _ together _ together?”

Zoe shrugged. “Yeah. It’s… it’s awhile away. I think I’ll be ready. If you don’t want to that’s fine I just -”

“No! I mean, yes! I want to! Oh my god, I totally want to.” 

Zoe grinned. “Great.” 

“Cool.”

“Awesome.”

Alana giggled and leaned down to peck Zoe on the lips, but ended up kissing her on the nose. 

Evan laughed. “N-Nerds,” He said. 

Alana rolled her eyes. “What about you guys?”

“Wh-What… what d-do you mean?”

“I mean, you can’t just not go to Senior Prom! It’s Senior Prom. It’s a big deal.”

Connor and Evan shared a glance. 

“We… h-haven’t really… t-talked about it,” Evan said. He bit his lip. 

“I mean, do you want to?” Connor asked. “Like, go? Together?” 

Evan raised his eyebrows. “R-Really? Uh, I mean, y-yeah. Sure.”

Connor nodded awkwardly. “Dope.”

A few hours later, everyone (with the exception of Connor) was suitably tipsy. Zoe was giggling about something and playing with Alana’s hair, and Evan’s face was flushed a rosy pink. 

“You’re just… s-so… pretty,” Evan said, resting his hand on Connor’s cheek. Zoe giggled. 

“Gayyyyy,” She said. “That’s gay,” She pointed at Connor and Evan. “You’re gay, and I’m gay, and” She pointed at Alana. “You’re gay, which is very good, cause that means I get to do this!” She grabbed Alana’s cheeks and pulled her into a messy kiss. 

“Alright children,” Connor said. “It’s time to go home.” 

“‘M older th-than you,” Evan mumbled. 

They dropped Evan off first. Connor had to rouse him, as he’d fallen asleep in the passenger’s seat. 

“You sure you’ll be good, Ev?” Zoe asked. 

“Y-Yeah,” He hiccupped. “My mom won’t b-be home until l-like three a.m. so…” 

“Oh. Okay. Well, bye Evan!” She held out “bye” and “Evan” longer than necessary. 

“Bye babe,” Connor said, giving Evan a quick peck on the lips. “Get some sleep. I love you.”

“I l-love you, t-too,” Evan said. “S-So much!” He climbed out of the car and walked towards the door. “I c-can hardly e-even handle i-it!” 

Connor laughed, and once Evan was safely inside, he drove away. 

Alana smiled when they pulled up into her driveway. She stretched her arms out like a cat. “Bye Zo,” She said, kissing Zoe’s cheek. 

“Bye-bye, lovely,” Zoe replied, booping Alana’s nose with her finger. Alana laughed and got out of the car, walking into her house. 

“Today was good,” Zoe said as Connor drove them home. “It was a good good day.”

“Yeah,” Connor said. “It was.” 

The goodness of the day was soured when they arrived home. 

“Where.  _ The hell _ . Have you two been?!” Larry snarled when they walked through the door. He and Cynthia were both sitting in the foyer. Cynthia’s eyes were rimmed red. “You didn’t call, or text, or tell us you were going out! Your mother has been worried sick! We almost called the police.” 

“God,” Connor sighed. “I don’t have the energy for this. I’m going to bed.” 

Larry stood up. “Like hell you are!” 

“It was my fault!” Zoe blurted. “I wanted to go out!”

Today had been such a good day. She didn’t want it to be ruined. 

Cynthia’s voice was fragile. “You were out… together?” 

“Yeah.” 

Connor scoffed, and tried to break for the stairs again. 

“Don’t you move young man!” Larry said. “You should’ve had the common goddamned sense to leave a note or -”

“I’m gay!” Zoe blurted out, not thinking. She just wanted everyone to stop yelling at Connor, and she’d been trying to tell her parents for months now, but the words refused to come out. Apparently all she needed was some hard cider to loosen her tongue. 

“Zoe?” Cynthia said. “What was that?”

“I’m… I’m gay, mom.” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> !! two chapters in one day?? who are you and what have you done with kath????
> 
> also like. hella angst next chapter my dudes. but then it gets bettter!!
> 
> drop a comment and you'll make my day, or maybe rec me some good mountain goats songs because i've just recently gotten into them. also find me on tumblr @aliensinflowercrowns <3


	32. Comin' Out Of My Cage I've Been Doin' Just Fine

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> get it? cause zoe just came out?? lol i'm not funny. 
> 
> this chapter did NOT want to be written and so it kind of sucks but that's okay.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: religion, homophobia, homophobic slur, swearing

There are times in one’s life when they are presented with the option to be selfish, and the option to be selfless. Connor knew he was not a good person, and if you were to ask him which option he would choose, he would tell you that he would go with the selfish option, 100%. No one gave a shit about him, why should he give a shit about them. 

But in keeping with the theme of Connor’s life, when he actually was presented with choices, he tended to pick the one that would get him with in the most trouble. So, when Zoe abruptly came out to her parents because her drunken mind thought this was the only way to get some of the heat off of Connor for once, his answer was of course, “Hah, same.” 

God damn it, Connor. 

Cynthia stared at the two of them, slack jawed. Larry took a small step back. 

“Are you kidding me right now?” He asked. “Is this a joke?” 

Connor scowled. “No Larold, it’s not a fucking joke.” 

Larry wrinkled his brows. “Did you just call me Larold?” 

Connor flipped him off. 

“Baby,” Cynthia said, taking a step towards Connor. She turned to Zoe, “ _ Baby _ ,” She said again. “Why… what… I had no idea!” 

Zoe shrugged. “Yeah, well, it’s not like you pay attention to me anyway.”

Cynthia’s face shattered. A few tears slipped down her cheeks as she pulled Zoe into a hug. 

Connor scoffed despite himself. “I’m going upstairs!” He announced. 

“Connor,” Larry said, not making a move to stop him. “We need to talk about this!” 

“No, we really don’t.” 

He stalked up to his room and slammed the door behind him, sinking down to the ground in front of his bed. He pulled out his phone. 

 

**_Hey. I told my parents i was gay. Well, zoe told them she was gay first and i just sort of… piggybacked off of her thing, i gues._ **

 

**_*guess_ **

 

He stared at the screen for a few seconds and then scowled when no typing indication appeared. Evan was probably asleep. 

After a few minutes, there was a soft knock on the door. Connor sighed and put his head in his hands. 

“What?” 

The door creaked open. “Connor? It’s mom?”

“Yeah, mom, I can see that. What do you want.”

She walked in a bit further. “I… can we talk?” 

Connor looked up. He squinted his eyes, studying his mother. She looked tired. Her shoulders were slumped and her hair had streaks of gray in it. When did she get so old?

His voice was surprisingly soft. “Yeah, mom, we can talk.” 

She smiled and sat next to him, up against the bed. “I remember when you were little you used to tell these… awful jokes. Why did the turkey cross the road? To prove he wasn’t chicken!” She grabbed his hand, holding it in her own and bringing it up to her heart. “You were so… happy.” Her voice was wet, but she wasn’t crying. 

“I’m happy now,” He said. 

She smiled. “I know. I can tell. Is it Evan?”

“What?”

“He’s your boyfriend, right?”

Connor groaned. “Oh my god,  _ mom _ -” 

“I have eyes, Connor! I remember when you were eight and you were grounded for getting in a fight and Evan came up to the door all snivelling and puppy dog eyes asking if you could come play. You were such little shits.”

“Still are.” 

“Yeah,” She said, fondly. She rested her head on his shoulder. “I’m sorry, baby.”

Connor looked at her.

“I’ve been… I know I haven’t been the best mother. I never… I didn’t understand how to help you. I still don’t. And I just… I guess… no one ever gives you a manual, you know? On being a parent? Nobody ever says, ‘this is what will happen and this is what you do about it.’ So you just sort of go with what you know. And sometimes it works, but sometimes it… doesn’t. But when I know… fuck all about anything else, I know that I love you. You and your sister are the most important things in the world to me. And nothing changes that. I love every part of you. And I’m sorry that you felt like you couldn’t tell me about this part.”

“Thanks, mom,” Connor whispered. 

There was another knock on the door, even though it was open. Larry cleared his throat, looking uncomfortable. 

“Wow,” Connor said. “I don’t think you’ve ever knocked on my door before.” 

“I’ve knocked on your door before, Connor -”

Connor raised his eyebrows and rolled his eyes. 

“That’s not the point,” Larry said. “Can we talk, son?” 

“Golly gee, dad, we sure can!” 

Larry sighed, but ignored the sarcasm. He sat on the other side of Connor. “You… er… so…” He scratched awkwardly at the back of his neck. “You got a boyfriend, then? Um, Zoe, she said she had a girlfriend, that uh, the one with the two dads, Alana Beck, and I was just, um, wondering -”

“Yeah dad. I’m dating Evan.”

“Oh! Um, that’s good. He’s a, he’s a good kid. He’s… Jewish, right?”

“Dad -”

“Not that there’s anything wrong with that! Of course.” 

“Of course not.”

Larry sighed. “You know I love you, right Connor?”

Connor looked at his father. “No, dad, you know what. I actually don’t.”

Larry blanched. It was quiet for a moment. 

“I. Um. When I was a kid, I had this dog -”

“Jesus Christ, are we going to get into some sort of life lesson here because -”

“Let him finish, Con,” Cynthia said. She nodded at Larry.

“Right, so, I had this dog,” He continued. “His name was Scraps. I loved that damn dog. One day, my dad was backing out of the driveway, and he ran right over Scraps. And I was so upset. I cried and cried, and my dad said ‘You stop your cryin’ son. You be a man.’ And I all I wanted to do was be a man. So I didn’t cry. I just kept everything bottled up right here, and tried to be a man. And I… I thought that was how you do it. So I tried to teach you the way my father taught me, but I just pushed you further and further away. And I didn’t understand how to talk to you, how to help you other than to tell you to tough it out. And… I still don’t. But I want to learn. Cause I don’t want to push you out, son. And I understand if you hate me. I understand that you don’t feel like I love you. That’s my fault. But I’m telling you now, that I do. I love and accept you unconditionally.” 

He wiped at his eyes. “Shit,” He said, under his breath. 

And Connor did something he hadn’t done in a long time. He reached over, and hugged his dad. 

“I… Thanks, dad,” He said. 

He heard the floorboards creak as Zoe walked into the room, plopping down next to them. The four of them sat there for a while, together as a family, for the first time in years. 

 

***

 

**_Babe, I’m so proud of you!!_ **

 

Evan knew Connor wouldn’t text back for a few hours. He’d always been a late sleeper. Evan put his phone down and stared at his ceiling, trying to muster up the courage to get out of bed. 

His mom knocked politely on the door. 

“Hun?” She asked. 

“Y-Yeah?” Evan responded. Heidi opened the door and smiled. Her hair was down today, which made her look younger. 

“Did you take your meds, babe?” 

Evan bit his lip. “Um, a-about… the… m-meds…”

“What is it, Evan?” She asked, moving to sit on his bed. Evan blinked back tears. 

“Idon’tthinkthey’rereallyworking,” He said, all in one breath. 

“What do you mean?” 

Evan stared at his arm. The big, ugly scar stared back at him. 

“M-Mom… l-last summer…”

 

***   
  


Zoe couldn’t believe she was wearing an itchy wool sweater dress thing from goodwill at fucking church. 

They’d been trying to “do more things as a family” lately, and for some reason, Zoe had accepted her parents weekly invite to church that day. Connor, of course, had not, and he was off with Evan somewhere not dying internally. 

Zoe had sat through the service and was almost home free, when her mother had been swept up in a conversation with some other housewives about how so-and-so was getting married and so-and-so had a kid and so-and-so was graduating from medical school,  _ medical school  _ can you believe it, Cynthia?  Zoe and her father were standing awkwardly to the side, shuffling on their feet and trying not to be seen, when, of course, Charity Austin and her father had to walk up to the group.

“Oh!” One of the ladies said. “Have you heard about what happened to Linda?” 

A few other women nodded. 

“What happened?” Cynthia asked. 

The first woman smiled wickedly, then put on a tone of fake sympathy. “Her son, Gabe? He’s getting married -” She pulled a face. “To another  _ man _ .”  

There were tuts all around the circle. Zoe’s blood went cold. She could feel Larry stiffen next to her. 

“That poor woman!” Someone said. 

“Kids these days,” Charity’s dad said. “They’re so damn entitled. We coddled ‘em, and look what happened. Now they all think they’re fags.” 

Zoe’s heart constricted. That  _ word _ . The conversation went on, but all she could hear was the blood rushing in her ears. And then, her father’s voice. 

“Now why the hell would you say that, Hugh?” 

Zoe turned to her dad. 

“What do you mean, Larry?” Charity’s dad asked. 

Her dad scowled. “All of you, saying ‘oh, that poor woman, oh, I feel so sorry for her,’ What the hell’s she got to feel sorry about, other than the fact she can’t pull her head out of her ass long enough to feel happy for her son.”

“Larry -”

“And you know what? Maybe more people are coming out as gay because society in general is wising up and they don’t feel like they have to hide anymore. Although, listening to you you wouldn’t think so!” He was red in the face. “You people call yourselves Christian, you aren’t fucking Christian. You’re bigots, hiding your hatred behind some flimsy old book, and I’m sick of it. Come on Zoe, Cynthia. We’re leaving.” 

He whirled around and started for the door. 

“Also, Helen,” Cynthia said. “You’re brownies taste like shit.” 

“Hell yeah!” Zoe whooped, once they were in the parking lot. “Go dad!” 

Her dad shook his head. “The nerve of some people. Whatever. What do you say we go get ice cream? Just the three of us? I’d say we should pick up Connor, but I think he’s a little busy.”

“Yeah,” Zoe said. “I’d like that.” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey. hey y'all. you know what /i'm/ gay for? loving and accepting parents. 
> 
> also if anyone knows how to like, make links on ao3 that would be great? because i'm a garbage theatre/creative writing major and i know nothing about computers. 
> 
> but like, i am on tumblr! @aliensinflowercrowns 
> 
> leave a comment!!! 
> 
> ps, i know the section w ev and heidi kind of sucks? but like, man. this chap was really hard. they have a way better scene similar to this in my fic show me where it hurts


	33. The Gang Goes To Prom

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> this is the fourth fucking time i've tried to upload this chapter kms. ANYWAY
> 
> this is technically the last chapter of the main story. 34-36 are all epilogues. also, i've got the rest of the story written so uploads should come once or twice daily from here on out. enjoy!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tw: swearing

**AGE EIGHTEEN**

 

“Kids! Get down here!” 

Connor stared at himself in the mirror, tugging at his hair and shit. He adjusted his tie and sighed. 

“Connor!” Zoe called, knocking on the bathroom door. “Come  _ on _ !” 

“Give me a minute!” He snapped. He adjusted his tie one more time, making sure the floppy bow was centered. 

“Connor!” 

He pulled a face and then whirled around, opening the door. “I’m coming, I’m coming!” 

“How do I look?” Zoe asked. She wore a short baby blue dress that fluffed out at the waist, and her hair was curled, cascading over her shoulders. She was slightly off balance in her tall high heels. 

“You look great, kiddo,” Connor said. 

Zoe smiled shyly. 

“Okay,” Alana said, walking out of Zoe’s room. She was wearing a long mermaid dress that started out white but melted into a dark blue. Her hair was parted to one side. “What do you think?” She twirled around. 

“Ah! You look so beautiful!” Zoe pulled her into a hug. 

“You look great, Alana,” Connor said. 

“Kids!” Cynthia hollered again from downstairs. “Come on! I want to get pictures before you have to leave!” 

Connor and Zoe shared a Sibling Look. 

“Let’s get this over with,” Zoe mumbled. The three of them started towards the steps, but then she stopped dead. “Oh shit!” She turned back and dashed into her room, emerging with two plastic containers. 

She handed one to Alana. “Here you go, Lannie,” She said. It was a white and blue corset. Alana smiled. 

“Aw, thanks love.” 

Connor started going down the stairs, giving them a moment together. 

Cynthia smiled, and put her hands to her face. “Aww, Connor, you look so wonderful!” 

Larry wrapped an arm around his wife and smiled as well. “You look good, son.”

Connor awkwardly looked down. “Uh, thanks guys.” 

The girls soon joined them in the foyer. 

“Okay everyone, pictures!” Cynthia said. 

“Mom…” Zoe said. 

“Hey, let your mother take pictures.” 

“This is your only prom after all! And, Connor, make sure Heidi sends me all of the ones of you and Evan.” 

Connor nodded. 

Cynthia snapped pictures of Alana and Zoe, Zoe and Connor, the three of them together, and the three of them separately. 

“Okay,” Connor said finally. “We need to go.” 

Cynthia rolled her eyes. “I know,” She gave her kids kisses on the cheek. “You kids have fun!” She said. “I love you!” 

“Stay safe,” Larry said. “Be home before one!” 

They all grunted affirmatives as they jumped in Connor’s car. The Murphy’s had offered to pay to rent a limo, but the group had decided to take the affectionately named by Jared “weed-mobile.” 

“Okay Connor,” Zoe said when they pulled up in front of Evan’s house. “Go get yo’ mans!” 

Connor rolled his eyes at his sister and got out of the car. He took a deep breath and knocked on the door. 

“Connor!” 

Connor grimaced. “Hey Jared. I thought you were joking about the blue suit.” 

Jared laughed. “Nope! I think I look dapper!” 

“That’s definitely one word for it.”

“You know you love me, Murphy. By the way, Heidi wants to take pictures of you and Evan before you guys go.” Connor nodded and walked into the house. Evan came down the stairs, adjusting something on his cuff. 

“S-Sorry, about J-Jared, I m-mean,” He said. Connor waved him off. 

“Jared is Jared. I’m used to it by now.”

“Oh, um, h-here,” Evan handed him a plastic container with a boutonniere in it. The colors matched Connors dark velvet tie, which was the same color as Evan’s suit jacket. Connor smiled and took it. 

“So, should I put this on you then?” He said. 

“Uh, s-sure, I g-guess. And I-I’ll put mine on y-you.” 

Connor nodded. They fastened the flowers on each other. 

“Oh, you both look so handsome!” Heidi said, walking into the living room. “Let me get some pictures!” 

Connor put his arm around Evan and they awkwardly smiled for a few pictures, until Heidi said, “Alright, I’ll let you boys get going. Have fun and be safe!” She kissed Evan’s cheek and patted Connor’s lapel. 

“You good?” Connor asked. 

Evan nodded. “C-Course I am.” 

“Cause we can just like, tell everyone to fuck off and go get high somewhere if you want.” 

Evan laughed. “Nah, l-let’s… let’s d-do this.” 

 

***

 

Senior Prom was being held in some fancy event center. It was decked out with balloons and streamers and there were cookies and cupcakes and other assorted sweets as refreshments. Evan would have to remember to compliment Alana on that later. 

But it was too much.

The atmosphere was stuffy and crowded and a thousand degrees and the DJ was playing shitty music way too loudly and everyone was staring at them. Evan could hardly breathe. He wanted to leave, but they hadn’t even been there for an hour and everyone else was so excited and - 

“Hey,” Connor said. “You okay?” 

Evan mumbled something unintelligible and looked down at his shoes. Why did he pick these shoes? They were old and scuffed and somehow also  _ too _ shiny and -

“We’re gonna get some air,” Connor said, lightly tugging on Evan’s shirt sleeve. Evan let him lead him off the dance floor, out of the room, to the edge of the property until the music of the dance was just a faint, far away pulsing. 

“Hi,” Connor said.

Evan took a breath. “H-Hi. I’m… I’m s-sorry.” 

“Whoa,” Connor said, shrugging off his suit jacket and plopping it on the grass so they could sit on it. “Don’t be sorry. You’re good. You’re great. I’d much rather be out here with you than in some dumb crowded dance hall.” 

“But, y-you’ve b-been so excited about p-prom and -”

“Excited about going to prom with you. I don’t give a shit about this dance or these people or anything. It’s you, Ev. I just want to be with you.”

“C-Connor,” Evan said, feeling the tips of his ears go pink. “Th-That… th-that’s gay.” 

Connor shrugged. “Yeah, well,” He said, tilting Evan’s mouth towards his own and kissing him sloppily. 

Evan smiled into the kiss. They broke, and Evan rested his head on Connor’s shoulder. 

“It’s a g-good night t-tonight,” He said. 

“Yeah, it is,” Connor replied. 

He kissed Evan again, and for that moment, the whole world disappeared. It was just him, and Connor, and the infinite future stretching out in front of them.  

 

***

 

“I’m gonna go grab some drinks!” Zoe yelled over the music. Alana grinned and nodded to her, then continued nerdy-dancing with Jared. 

Zoe smiled at her dorky friend (she still couldn’t believe she was genuinely friends with Jared Kleinman) and girlfriend (which was also hard to believe, but for different reasons), then broke off towards the refreshment table. 

She was pouring some punch into a fake-fancy plastic cup, when someone literally bumped into her. 

“Oh!” She said, whirling around. 

“Sorry!” Charity Austin replied. She wore a poofy red dress and a glittering crown on her head. She looked pretty, but she no longer made Zoe’s heart ache. 

“It’s okay,” She said. “Um, hi, Charity.” 

Charity blushed. “Hey, Zoe. I, um, I haven’t seen you around church lately.”

“Yeah… my parents have been, um, figuring some things out, I guess?”

“Oh. That’s cool. That’s cool.” 

“Congrats,” Zoe said. “On prom queen.” 

Charity laughed awkwardly. “Hah, yeah, it’s, uh, it’s cool.”

Zoe nodded and went to walked away, but Charity stopped her. 

“I just wanted to say I’m sorry?” She said. “I’m sorry. About my dad, and about me, and, I… I didn’t react well when you came out to me. You were really opening yourself up and being vulnerable and I was a dumbass kid. I get that now. I tried to apologize to you at that party thing a few months ago, but that wasn’t a good time. I don’t know if there’ll ever be a good time, but I needed to do it. I’m… I’m really happy for you. You and Alana, I mean.”

“Oh, wow, thanks.” 

“And, I, I miss you, Zo.” She smiled. “Let’s um… let’s hang out soon? I’ll call you.” 

Zoe nodded. “Okay. Cool. I… appreciate that. I’m gonna… go back to my date now.”

Charity laughed awkwardly. “Yeah, yeah, okay. Uh, have a good rest of the dance.”

“You too, Char.” 

Zoe walked back to her group, handing Alana and Jared each a drink. 

“Who was that you were talking to?” Alana asked, taking a sip and then grimacing slightly. 

“Oh. It was Charity Austin?”

“Weird.”

“Yeah, I’ll tell you about it later.”

“Oh!” Jared said. “What’s the hot goss?”

“It’s nothing, Jared.”

“What’s nothing?” Connor asked. He and Evan had just walked back up to their small group, looking noticeably more dishevelled. 

“Nothing’s nothing,” Zoe said. “That’s why it’s nothing!” 

Connor shrugged. “Fair point. Hey, Evan and I were talking and… do you guys want to get out of here? Maybe we can go to the Mountain, or grab some ice cream or something?” 

Surprisingly, Alana answered first. “Oh my god, yes. I spent so many months planning this thing and, to be honest, it kind of sucks.” 

Later that night, Connor was driving too fast on an old back road. The windows were down, Alana’s head was in Zoe’s lap, her arms were out the window and her hair was whipping in the wind. She and Jared were singing along to an old 80s song and sounding terrible on purpose, while Evan was rattling off facts about the trees they were passing to a rapt Connor. 

“So,” Cynthia said, when they walked through the door an hour later than they were supposed to. “How was prom?”

“It was good,” Connor said. 

“Zoe?”

She nodded. “Yeah,” She said. “It was good.” 

It felt like it was going to be good for a long, long time. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> it's all fluff from here on out, folks
> 
> find me on tumblr @aliensinflowercrowns and leave me a comment if you're feeling particularly lovely!


	34. Epilogue Part One: Zoe

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> zoe has a good day

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: swearing (tho if you've gotten this far that probably doesn't bother you)

**AGE NINETEEN**

 

Los Angeles was stark white. It was so hot that it seemed the brown had been burnt out of the dirt, leaving it stark white. The constant 83 degree weather was perfectly suited to Zoe’s style of sundresses and shorts. She had died her hair, and it had purple streaks in it. She wore it up in a messy bun covered by a floppy sun hat. She sat on her car’s hood in a white sundress with large sunglasses. Her chin rested in her hand and her earbuds were in.

Lots of people hated the beaches of central Los Angeles, saying they were too crowded. Zoe didn’t agree. She liked to sit in the sun and people watch. Her sketchbook was open on her lap, a few half started busts of various people lounging on the beach. She wasn’t near as good as Connor, but she didn’t mind. Her therapist said that she needed to stop comparing everything she did to Connor. She was Zoe, and she needed to center her life and choices around Zoe, not Connor.

She was seeing a therapist, now, which was kind of weird, but mostly good.

Her eyes fixed on a two guys, one was shirtless and the other was in a tank top. They were playing on old fashioned gameboys and laughing at something. She was reminded of Connor and Evan. She smiled and grabbed her phone.

 _**Hey doofus** _ , she texted.

_**Sup nerd. You texting me during class?** _

Zoe smiled. _**Nah. I don’t have classes on fridays. wbu fancy art boy?** _

Connor had taken a year off of school after he graduated, so he and Zoe were both college freshmen. He was at an art conservatory in New York, down the street from Evan who was at NYU. They were both enjoying being far away from their parents, and Zoe was kind of glad they were on opposite sides of the country. Their relationship was good now, but Zoe needed time to figure herself out, detached from Connor, detached from her parents, detached from everything.

_**Nah. Class is over for the day. It’s like 5pm here. i’m at evans** _

_**God. His roommate must hate you.** _

_**lol. he’s a sophomore, so he’s got a single.** _

_**Oooooh** _ , she added three smirking emojis.

_**Oh my god. You’re the worst.** _

_**fuck off asshat you love me. oh shit, lana’s here, got to go.** _

_**Stay safe! ;)** _

Zoe pulled out her earbuds, put down her phone, and smiled.

“Hey cutie,” She called to the girl walking up to her. Alana had cut her hair, undoing her dreads and letting it out into a natural bob. She wore a pink tank top, shorts, and big glasses.

“Hey,” She said. “You come here alone?”

Zoe slid off the hood of her car. “Actually, I’m waiting for someone.”

“Oh, who?”

Zoe shrugged, taking off her sunglasses and placing them on her hat. “My girlfriend.”

“Oh, she left a hot piece like you all alone? Must not be a very good girlfriend.”

Alana wrapped her arms around Zoe’s waist. Zoe reciprocated, slipping her hands in Alana’s back pockets. “Nah, she’s pretty great.” She planted a soft kiss on Alana’s lips. “Hey baby.”

Alana smiled against Zoe’s lips. “Hi,” She whispered.

They separated, walking down to the beach holding hands.

“Was the drive up okay?” Zoe asked.

“It was fine. Traffic was shit. I don’t know how you stand it.”

Zoe laughed. “Eh. I like it.”

They reached the sand, and Zoe slipped off her shoes, dropping them in her canvas bag. “How’s school?” Alana asked.

“It’s good. I’m taking a latin class? Which is sick as hell. I mean, it’s super hard, but when else am I gonna get the chance to take latin, you know?”

Alana nodded. She was a poly sci/economics major at Stanford, with a minor in women’s studies. Zoe was studying at UCLA, major undeclared. She’d been taking a few different classes, whatever looked interesting. She liked not having to worry, just getting to learn about whatever is interesting. She had until the end of her sophomore year to decide a major, and was thinking either history or something to do with psychology.

“Nice. Say something to me in latin.”

“Hmm… tu ah hotus as hellus”

Alana giggled.

“What about you?”

“It’s good.” She nodded. “I’m trying to decide whether to run for student government or to devote more time to off campus protesting and activism. Like, I know that I could probably do more real world good with the activism stuff, but also I want the satisfaction of beating Daniel Richards out for Junior Class President next year.”

Daniel Richards was poly sci/pre law and the subject of many of Alana’s anger fueled rants.

“I mean seriously, it’s the twenty first century, who still doesn’t believe in evolution!” She said.

“I know, babe, I know.”

They had reached the end of the beach, and the ocean lapped at their heels as they walked. “God,” Alana said, squinting. “I will never understand how you live in SoCal. It’s way too sunny.”

“I dunno,” Zoe shrugged. “I like the sun.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> me? having restraint when it comes to updating things??? nah fam. 
> 
> so this is part one of three epilogues, each character will get their own little ending vignette. next up is evan
> 
> tumblr is @aliensinflowercrowns (tho once again, if you've gotten this far you probably know that) and if you're feeling generous you can leave a comment, i read every single one and they always make my day <3


	35. Epilogue Part Two: Evan

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> evan takes a walk

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tw: y'all aren't ready for this one.

**AGE TWENTY FOUR**

 

Evan shook out his hand, and then his feet, and then shook his head. He tugged at the bottom of his jacket, trying to get rid of any imaginary wrinkles. 

“Ev,” Heidi said, smoothing out the fabric on his shoulders. “You look great.”

Evan turned to her. “I c-can’t do th-this. I’m going to th-throw up. I’m g-going to d-die. This is the w-worst th-thing ever. Wh-Why did I th-think this would be a g-good idea?!” 

Heidi laughed and rested a hand on his cheek. “I was just as nervous on my wedding day.”

“That’s not h-helpful! Y-You’ve been d-divorced for like… s-seventeen years!” 

“Okay, well, if you don’t want to get married -“

“N-No! I want… I w-want to get m-married, I j-just… do w-we have to d-do it in front of a-all these people?” 

Heidi grabbed his hands. “You’re gonna do great, love.” Her eyes started to get misty. “I am so… proud of you. And happy for you. And I just… oh fuck I’m going to get emotional…”

“M-Mooom,” Evan groaned. 

“Hey! It’s not every day that your only son gets married. I think I’m warranted an embarrassing mom moment.” 

Evan chuckled. “Okay, w-well, b-better here than o-out there.” 

“Oh, you think I’m too old to embarrass you, Hansen? I’ll show you embarrassing -“

They were interrupted by a quiet knock on the door, and Evan’s nerves flooded his body again. Zoe creaked the door open. She was wearing her long lavender maid of honor dress with glittering golden earrings and a fancy updo. 

“Oh, Zoe,” Heidi said. “You look so beautiful.”

Zoe flushed rose. “Thanks, Heidi.” She turned to Evan. “You ready, Ev?” 

Evan wiped at nonexistent sweat. “As I’ll e-ever be,” He said. 

Zoe walked over to him and pulled him into a tight hug. “You’ll do great,” She said. “Big Brother.” 

Heidi looped her arm in Evans, smiling up at him. Zoe wiped at her eyes, nodded, and sprinted out the rooms, tottering on her stiletto heels. 

The room was decked out in lavender, white, and gold. Organ music bounced off of the walls. Everyone’s head turned towards Evan and Heidi, but Evan wasn’t looking at them. He glanced up at the altar, first at Alana and Zoe, standing with a few other college and work friends that they’d chosen as bridesmaids, then at Jared, the best man, who was flanked by a few other friends of theirs. He saw Cynthia, sitting in the front row next to the aisle, an empty seat next to her for Heidi. Under the archway was Larry in a grey suit, holding a book. And between him and Jared, stood Connor. 

And he looked beautiful. His hair was in a tight bun, he wore a dark suit with a golden tie that made his eyes sparkled. He was looking off into space, until he locked eyes with Evan. Evan could see his shoulders un-tense. 

Evan’s eyes didn’t stray from Connor’s as he and Heidi walked up down the aisle. They didn’t stray as Heidi unhooked her arm from Evan’s, patted him gently, and sat down next to Cynthia. 

“Hi,” Connor whispered. 

“Hey,” Evan whispered back. 

Larry smiled at the two of them, and cleared his throat. 

“We are gathered here today to celebrate the union of Evan Hansen and Connor Murphy. Evan and Connor have been best friends since they were seven years old, and the past seventeen years have seen them grow together, grow apart, grow back together, and eventually fall in love. They are both intelligent, talented, and kind young men, and I am more than proud to call them both my sons. Evan and Connor have written their own vows, because these boys are nothing if not untraditional.”

The audience laughed politely. 

“So, I’ll let them get to it.” 

Connor cleared his throat. 

“Evan,” He said. “I’m not great with words, uh, as you know. Um. When I was seven years old, I threw a printer at my teacher. Even though I immediately regretted it, it ended up being the best decision in my life, because it lead to me getting sent to the principal’s office, which was where I met you. You were my first friend, my first kiss, my first love. You make me smile, you make me laugh, you inspire me to create. When I’m at my lowest, you remind me that life is worth living. You’re my boyfriend, my husband, my family, but most importantly, you are my best friend. I love spending time with you. You make everything better. I am so excited to spend my life with you. I love you.” 

Evan’s face split into a grin. 

“C-Connor,” He said. “Wh-When my dad left, I w-went to your h-house, and we w-watched S-Star Wars. Wh-When I was t-ten and didn’t t-talk for a y-year, you i-invented our o-own private sign l-language. When I w-was thirteen and o-overwhelmed at m-my bar mitzvah, y-you took my upstairs t-to my r-room and kissed m-me. You a-always know wh-what I need, and y-you are a-always willing t-to make sure I’m c-comfortable. You n-never make me feel l-like a burden or a s-screwup. You m-make me feel amazing a-and l-loved. You are s-so smart and f-funny and t-talented and s-so, s-so hot, and I am so l-lucky that you p-proposed to me, b-because god k-knows I was n-never gonna bite th-that bullet. So th-thank you. Thank you f-for being m-my b-best friend, m-my companion, and m-my husband. I c-can’t wait to s-see what w-we do next, t-together. I l-love you.”

Larry smiled. 

“Do you, Evan Hansen, take Connor Murphy to be your lawfully wedded husband, in sickness and in health, in good times and in bad, for rich or for poor, as long as you both shall live?”

“I do.” Evan slid the ring onto Connor’s finger. 

“And do you, Connor Murphy, take Evan Hansen to be your lawfully wedded husband, in sickness and in health, in good times and in bad, for rich or for poor, as long as you both shall live?”

“I do.” Connor slid his ring onto Evan’s finger, squeezing his hand when he let go. 

“I now pronounce you Mr. and Mr. Connor and Evan Hansen. You may kiss the groom.” 

And they did.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this is so self indulgent lol. 
> 
> tumblr: @aliensinflowercrowns
> 
> comments: appreciated 
> 
> this meme: dead. 
> 
> /my ao3 profile picture is forcibly changed/


	36. Epilogue Part Three: Connor

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> but like, this is the end tho. 
> 
> connor hangs out with his friends.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tw: sex jokes

**AGE TWENTY EIGHT**

 

_ “After a successful career working for Marvel Comics, art and writing power couple Connor and Evan Hansen have published part one of a shockingly raw graphic novel about friendship, family, and the struggles of mental illness. Says Connor about the book ‘I started drawing Burn-Out when I was sixteen, as a sort of diary. I modeled the main character, Ben, after a character Evan and I created when we were kids. It was a sort of coping mechanism, writing about this kid with uncontrollable fire powers who ruined everything he touched. That was how I felt. The bleak ending was realistic to how I was feeling when I was in that space. I’ve talked before about my suicide attempt when I was seventeen, and this was meant to be sort of my… apology-slash-explanation, meant for Evan, who I wasn’t actually talking to at the time.’ In his recollection of events, Evan says, ‘At first I didn’t understand. It was just this sketchbook filled with drawings. I started filling in words partly based off of what was on the page, but mostly just from what I was feeling. I think it was helpful, both for me to understand what Connor was feeling, but also for me to understand and accept how I was feeling. I think that this two parter, um, without spoiling the next book, will show people really how you can pull yourself out of that hole.’ Burn-Out was released on October 23rd, and has been at the top the New York Times Bestsellers List for graphic novels since. You can pick up your copy wherever books are sold.”  _

 

  * __From the November 2028 Edition of Rolling Stone Magazine__



 

 

“Here y-you g-go, babe,” Evan said, handing him a cocktail. It was electric blue with a candy rim and a little umbrella in it. Connor didn’t care. He was gay, he had earned the right to drink good-tasting fruity drinks without shame. 

“Thanks,” Connor said, planting an already alcohol-laden kiss on Evan’s cheek. The bright purple lipstick he was wearing left a little mark on Evan’s skin. Connor smiled. He was so cute. 

“Ahh!” Zoe shrieked, running over to him and pulling him down into a hug. “I’m so sorry we’re late! The plane was delayed and then traffic was hell - people say L.A. is bad but New York is fucking insane, anyway, we’re here now - Lana’s putting our bags in a closet somewhere so no one steals them. I am so proud of you!” She squeezed him tighter, shaking a bit. 

“Oh shit, is that booze?” She grabbed the cocktail out of Connor’s hand and took a long sip, then gagged. “Jesus Christ, Connor, this tastes like Willy Wonka’s wet dream.” 

“Wow,” Connor said, deadpan. “How did you guess the name of the drink?” 

Zoe ignored the snarky comment. “Evan!” She said, handing Connor back the drink so she could pull Evan into a hug. “How’s my favorite brother?” 

“Hey!” Connor protested. 

Evan laughed, and returned Zoe’s hug. “H-Hey, Z-Zo,” He said. “Y-You guys are s-still in L.A., r-right?”

Zoe shook her head. “Nah, Lannie’s in Chicago right now, campaigning and stuff. I’m working with foster kids, which is hard, but good.” 

Evan nodded. “I’m g-glad. I’ll, uh, g-get you guys s-some free copies of th-the book, i-if you think the k-kids might like i-it?”

Zoe smiled. “Yes! Totally! That would be great!” 

“Zoe!” Jared said, jogging up to the three of them. “Hey!” He gave her a quick hug. 

“Hey Jared! It’s been way too long.” 

“Totally. You know what else was too long?”

Connor rolled his eyes. “Seriously Jared, this is a fancy event -“

“The line for the bathroom, Connor, jeez, don’t be juvenile.” He turned back to Zoe, and pointed at the engagement ring on her finger. “When are you two finally tying the knot?”

Zoe shrugged. “I dunno. Soon? We’re both… busy.” 

“Yeah, I feel that, with me being eternally single and all that. You’d think that I’d have better chances getting a date being interested in guys, gals, and everybody in-between but like, you know.”

“I wonder why,” Connor said, jokingly. 

Jared rolled his eyes. “Yeah, yeah. You’re lucky, you’ve basically been engaged since you were eight.” 

“S-Seven, actually,” Evan added. 

“There you guys are!” Alana said, finally joining the group. “God, it was almost impossible to find somewhere to stick our bags. Thanks for letting us stay with you guys, by the way.” 

“N-No problem,” Evan said. 

“God,” Connor said. “We’ve gotten so old? Like, look at us. We’re talking about jobs and houses and bullshit. It’s crazy.” 

“Um, okay,” Zoe said. “I’ll lighten the mood, I guess. Shit, piss, uh… dildo clown?” 

“Dildo clown?!” Jared repeated, a little too loudly. “What even would that be?”

“H-Horrible,” Evan said. “It would b-be horrible.” 

“Babe, I’ve got our next book,” Connor said. “The gruesome adventures of Dildo Clown.” 

“No!” Alana said. “Please! Kill it with fire!” 

“I dunno, babe,” Zoe said. “You were pretty into my dildo clown last night…”

“No, no, no,” Connor said, covering Zoe’s mouth with his hand. “You aren’t allowed to talk about that. It’s illegal.” 

Zoe pulled his hand down. “I’m an adult, Connor, I have sex.”

“No you don’t, you’re my sister and a child.” 

“S-Speaking of the b-book!” Evan interjected. “What d-did you guys th-think?”

Everyone started talking at once. 

“Oh my god, it was so good.” 

“Seriously, I fucking cried. You ripped my heart out and stomped on it.” 

“I loved it,” Zoe said. “But, Con, Ev, that ending? Was like… really sad?”

Connor smiled. He glanced at his friends, his husband, his sister. He grabbed Evan’s hand, intertwining their fingers like they were teenagers again. “Oh,” He said. “This? This isn’t the end.” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ahhhhhh!! it’s done!! wow. i spent almost an entire year on this, and now it’s over?? crazy.
> 
> ANYWAY. even tho the story is done and i don’t plan on writing a sequel, i have some Words(TM) about what happens after the fact. 
> 
> \- at age 31 connor and evan adopt two twin baby girls. they name them Hera and Parker Hansen. they both have blond hair, green eyes, and freckles and are tiny twin terrors.   
> \- when the twins are nine, evan and connor meet a 15 year old girl named Waverly Martinez she has some mental health issues and trauma from her childhood and life in the system. connor meets her through alana and zoe because they think he could talk to her about her anger issues. she and connor instantly hit it off, and soon enough she’s spending all her free time at the hansen household. for her 16th birthday she becomes Waverly Martinez-Hansen. (and also gets a lot of other shit because the hansens spoil their kids).   
> \- waverly is a music geek like her aunt and plays first chair violin in her school’s orchestra  
> \- Hera and Parker are both smart as hell and could be top of their classes but they spend more time using their intelligence to make trouble and for crazy science experiments.   
> \- the twins also play soccer, which neither of their dads understand but they support them anyway  
> \- jared is technically the twins’ godfather, but it is in no uncertain terms that if something happened to connor and evan all three kids would go to alana and zoe.   
> \- speaking of jared, he eventually meets someone at a big book event he got into by way of evan and connor. she’s a super fancy publishing exec, but is also a complete nerd. her name is Rachel and after only a few months of dating, they get married. jared lives in nyc (As do evan and connor) and enjoys being a trophy husband. he doesn’t need to be a trophy husband, he’s perfectly capable of getting a job, but he’d rather spend his time playing video games, hacking into corporate servers, and doting on his nieces.   
> \- connor and evan continue working comic writers for marvel, eventually getting to head a new x-men universe. they also write many graphic novels together, and co-write some novels. they are partners in every sense of the word. on their own, evan writes a stand alone novel that centers around trees and forests, and connor has been featured in several art galleries and art expos for his paintings and sketches.   
> \- alana and zoe do finally tie the knot, but it takes them awhile.   
> \- zoe gets a degree in psychology and social work with a minor in music theory   
> \- alana becomes a civil servant, working as a humanitarian and activist  
> \- the murphy-becks start out in chicago, but move to nyc to be closer to family  
> \- alana and zoe become foster mothers, and run a foster home for so called “troubled” teens. they take in kids who struggle with addiction, anger issues, and mental problems and give them a loving and understanding home. even though they never technically become mothers, if you ask them they have over twenty kids. most kids who spend time at the murphy-beck house keep in touch with alana and zoe, and family dinners are always a full house  
> \- heidi gets a job as a paralegal at larry’s firm, and once evan is out of the house she starts dating again, eventually meeting someone who makes her happy.   
> \- she makes frequent trips to nyc to see her grandkids   
> \- cynthia and larry keep in touch with their kids and are incredibly dorky grandparents. larry retires early and the two of them move to europe, trying to focus more on each other. they still find a way to get to the states for every holiday. occasionally, they’ll over to fly heidi out to stay with them for awhile, and since they’re family, she lets them.   
> \- in short, everyone is happy. 
> 
> !!!!!!! 
> 
> come talk to me on tumblr @aliensinflowercrowns to find out what i’m writing next, or to talk to me about connor and evan’s terror children. and leave a comment telling me what you thought of the fic now that you’ve got the whole thing.
> 
> and hey,   
> thanks. 
> 
> -kath


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